5 Lies Told by Modesty Culture

It's that time of year again. The weather is finally warming up, even here in the chilly Midwest. We traded our boots for our flip-flops, wool hats for straw hats. My husband and I even bought a new grill and celebrated a recent warm night with pork chops and bell peppers with my brother-in-law P and his wife E.

Of course, with the hot weather and the switch to seasonally-appropriate clothes come something slightly less cheerful...

All the admonitions that girls should dress modestly or else.

During my bikini series last year, I learned more than I ever wanted to know about modesty culture. Today I'm critiquing five of the worst and the most common lies told by proponents of modesty culture. 

photo via

1) Women are responsible for men's lust.

Women. It is impossible for you to control how another person thinks or feels. Literally the only way you can stop any man in the world from noticing your existence is by not leaving your house. Ever. You cannot anticipate what will or will not cause a man to lust. Ankles used to be quite scandalous while generous decolletage was NBD. Don't let anyone tell you that your mere existence in a female body is cause for male lust.

Some Christian bloggers have sorta wised up to the flaws in this argument. They start their writing with a throwaway paragraph or two insisting that only men are responsible for their lust... BUT. There's always a but involved. Men are responsible for their lust, BUT women need to dress modestly to help them. Their scriptural basis for this is usually a horrible misinterpretation of Romans 14, which I addressed in detail last summer in my post "My Bikini Answer: All Women Cannot Prevent the Lust of All Men."

They all assume that Christians are called to modify their daily behavior to prevent the potential sin of every single person they ever meet.

Well, no, that’s not exactly it. They all assume that Christian women are called to modify their daily behavior to prevent the potential lust of every single MAN they ever meet.

No. Stop asking women to anticipate the weaknesses of every single man ever. It is not our responsibility to keep your thoughts pure. 

2) Any woman who causes a man to lust has committed a sin.

Wait, what? First, this is based on the premise that women are responsible for men's lust, which I just pointed out is ridiculous. Second, this is again a horrible misinterpretation of scripture. Look at Matthew 5:27-28. A typical translation is as follows.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (NSRV)

Anyone who claims a woman sins if a man lusts after her is a person reallllllly fixated on the two words "with her." As though she has somehow consented to this adultery of the heart. Quite often, a woman doesn't even know if a man has lusted after her. What is her sin again? Being female in public?

Furthermore, this article examines the Greek and explains in detail why most translations of these verses are so bad. The author explains the true meaning of the verse this way.

The look is not the problem (nor is the presence of a beautiful woman, which some of that day tended to blame as the real problem); no, these are assumed. What is remarkable (given the popular misinterpretation) is that Jesus likewise assumes the presence of sexual desire in the man as a given, and that sexual desire isn’t seen as the problem. Instead, Jesus addresses the matter of intent, of volition, the purpose of the look. The issue is not the appetite itself but how a man directs this natural appetite and inclination...

In modern terms, it’s the difference between seeing a woman and being attracted to her—a natural part of the God-created appetite and a good indicator that one is alive—and actually considering or seeking an illicit activity.

Which, by the way, is really similar to my point last summer that sexual attraction is not lust.

3) Modesty isn't about strict dress codes--it's a heart issue.

If people actually believed modesty was a heart issue, they would stop talking about the need to dress modestly. They would discuss the importance of living within your means, being generous with your gifts, not driving expensive cars or wearing flashy jewelry. If modesty were a heart issue, pastors would question country club memberships, debutante balls, and lavish charity events. 

But when was the last time someone said that modesty is a heart issue, and then followed it up with anything except a conversation on women's responsibility to dress modestly?

Modesty actually is a heart issue. That's not a lie. It becomes a lie when a proponent of Modesty Culture tells it, because it's just another attempt to control women's clothing.

I was a debutante. I was a debutante at 19, when my boobs were huge, and I couldn't hide them. People talked to me about my boobs. No one talked to me about the temptation to feel sinful pride in being a debutante. I was only aware of it because my mom confessed her own struggle with pride after our invitation, which helped me recognize and squash my own prideful thoughts. Modesty should have been a heart issue, but all anyone cared about were my boobs.  

4) Dressing immodestly shows a lack of self-respect. Dressing modestly reveals your dignity. 

Whatever happened to: "Don't judge a book by its cover?"

Here are all the reasons a woman might wear a bikini:

• It's hot outside
• A bikini is the only type of swimsuit that fits her body
• She couldn't afford a different swimsuit
• It's her favorite color
• She's a professional volleyball player
• She wants female attention
• She wants male attention

But you cannot know why a woman is wearing a bikini, or any other type of clothing, just by looking at her. You can't. 

The opposite is true as well. A woman can wear a buttoned-up cardigan with loose slacks, and no one can just assume she's broadcasting self-respect and dignity. For all you know, she wears buttoned-up cardigans to church to cover up her tattoos.

5) A man's opinion of your appearance is the only opinion that matters. 

Honestly, this is the biggest and most harmful of all the lies told by Modesty Culture.

The irony, of course, is that Modesty Culture claims to be the counterculture to the objectification of women. Except instead of valuing women based on how sexually appealing we are with all our skin showing and boobs flaunting, Modesty Culture values women based on how beautiful we are with our tasteful expensive clothing that still emphasizes our femininity, if not our female bodies. 

Modest is hottest, right?

I'm not gonna try and say I never think of my husband when I pick out an outfit. But... um... huh. Actually, I just spent two minutes trying to think of the last time I wore anything just for him, and I drew a blank. Bikinis in Puerto Rico were not for him. My wedding day lingerie consisted of an expensive strapless bra necessary for my dress and hot pink panties that secretly matched the rest of my accessories.

The truth is, I'm usually thinking a million things or one thing when I get dressed. Either I'm balancing the weather, the occasion, the necessary bra, the potential accessories, how long has it been since I wore this?, the adaptability, etc. to pick out my clothes OR I throw on the first thing that is clean and comfortable, which is why I end up wearing the same outfit two or three days in a row. 

I don't dress for the male gaze.

If objectification of women is wrong when we tie their worth to their fuckability, then objectification of women is wrong when we tie their worth to their purity, which is still their fuckability, just saved for after marriage. 

Conclusions: 

Women, you cannot control men's thoughts or their actions. ♥ A man's lust is not your sin. ♥ Modesty actually is a heart issue, so listen to your heart. ♥ Self-respect includes knowing yourself well enough to pick out your own clothes. ♥ God loves you for you, not for your appearance. 

And if you don't believe in God, your opinion of your appearance is the only one that matters.

Sunday Shoutouts: Products Unreviewed

Me: It's Sunday!!! You know what that means?
Beau: Shoutouts!
Me: Good job.

So... that just happened.

Best Marriage Advice: I absolutely LOVE this post by Kim over at She Is Fierce. Kim explains that as much as she loves her husband and children, they do not "complete her." I've always found the idea of needing another person to be "complete" very unsettling, so it was refreshing to hear a married woman agree with me.

Best Historical Post on Breastfeeding: I can't believe I'm sharing a Buzzfeed post... but I'm a total sucker for both history and the right for mothers to breastfeed in public.

Best Scientific Post on Breastfeeding: The first article I read was via Jezebel, that summarized a new study questioning the superiority of breastfeeding over formula. This post is a press release that includes quotations from one of the scientists, along with her contact information. While there are certainly benefits to breastfeeding, like boosting an infant's immune system, it's great to see some research that highlights the socioeconomic influence on childhood health.

In other (blogging) news... I haven't had the chance to try out two of the products I received in my VoxBox. I've never worn fake eyelashes before. Since receiving my VoxBox last week, I haven't done anything fancy enough or exciting enough to try them out. I mean, I wore jeans and a sweater to a wine tasting Friday night, no make-up. Why would I bother experimenting with my KISS Looks So Natural Lashes for such mundane activities? I hope to try them soon, but my review will be limited to Instagram.

I also haven't tried out my John Frieda Frizz Ease 3-Day Straight Flat Iron Spray. I don't know if y'all have noticed this or not, but I have curly/wavy hair. I don't even own a blow dryer, let alone a flat iron. My best friend Lauren sometimes straightens her hair, so I plan to give her the sample to try out.

Curls everywhere, pretending to do a keg stand in Niort, April 2011

Keep your eyes posted for my thoughts on the other products I was sent to review!

What have you been doing this week?

Read anything interesting?

Write something controversial?

Let me know!

*Influenster sent me these products to test and review. 

True Love Means Liking the Same Food

In honor of this year's Valentine's Day, I want to gush about how much I love Beau and why we work together so well as a couple.

Beau and I collaborated on this together over skype, which is basically one of our bullet points. He was ready to go to sleep, but I insisted on a quick brainstorming session first.

• We are children at heart, but adults when it comes to important stuff. We enjoy being silly together.
• Bacon.
• Beau loves to drive, and I love sitting in the passenger's seat, live-tweeting our road trips.
• Biscuits and gravy.
• We both like Star Trek, cuddles, and gummy bears. Bonus points for naked cuddling while eating gummy bears and watching Star Trek.
• Wings and beer.
• Beau writes guest posts for me, and he gives me ideas for my blog. Like answering my questions to this post. Plus he's totes cool with appearing in a documentary in which we discuss not having sex.
• Steak.
• We interrupt our list of reasons of why we work to over-analyze the scientific aspects of having a double-blind taste test of steak, pan vs. grill, including a debate on how to measure the seasoning properly so it's a fair test. This is completely normal.
• Sometimes Beau surprises me with flowers, but he also understands why I like to buy myself flowers.
• I have great boobs and a great butt. Beau likes my boobs and butt.
• We're both very practical and good at keeping a budget, but our budget includes room for splurges and spontaneity. 
• Pizza.
• Beau doesn't mind when I tell him the same childhood story for the tenth time.
• Basically, we love each other, and we respect each other, and we have similar goals, and we like books, and we're nerdy, and we have a lot of fun doing lots of things or doing nothing.

 

No One Searched for Boobs Last Week?

Y'all, I just love looking at the keywords that people search to find my blog. I haven't done a recap since September. This is my latest week!

From Jan 21, 2014 10:00 PM – Jan 28, 2014 9:00 PM

 

I'm glad that people know my blog's name and search for it actively! Of course, you can always follow me on bloglovin to keep up with my latest posts. No need for google!

I'm a little concerned that so many people have been violated by having their underwear stolen. It sounds like a harmless prank, but when a man in my apartment building went through my laundry in two washing machines last summer and stole all my sexy panties, I felt completely violated. I didn't do ANY laundry in my building for months, and I still only do innocuous clothing like towels and sheets. My friend Carolynn actually offered to help me move beyond this, and I'm very grateful for her understanding. So the asshole who stole someone's panties, I really hope you read my blog post and felt like shit afterward. 

Just FYI, there is absolutely NO way to tell if a woman is a virgin or not. So any article that offers simple tips to know if your wife is a virgin is LYING and probably misogynistic.

Also, I'm really surprised no one searched for boobs, since that is usually among my highest-ranking keywords. But tits is up there, so that's close enough.

Did you find my blog via google? Care to 'fess up to how you searched for it? Leave a comment!

Sunday Shoutouts: Women are Second-Class Citizens

Unfortunately, the links I'm sharing this week are mostly on the depressing side of things. But reading about current events is important. As a feminist, I keep up with the reality of women's lives across the globe.

Most Obnoxious Double Standard: Last week I discovered an upcoming film called Free the Nipple, a movie based on the real-life events of New York women who fought against censorship laws. In this article, the director Lina Esco explains the ridiculous social media guidelines that allow videos of women being decapitated and sexualized boobs for the male gaze... but bans desexualized boobs. Can we just talk about how ridiculous it is that men can go shirtless in public, but not women?

Best Biblical Exegesis: If you're a Christian feminist, then you know that certain Bible passages are cringe-worthy. But part of being a Christian feminist is studying those passages, free from the close-minded chains of patriarchy, and discovering new interpretations that don't oppress anyone. I read this awesome blog post on 1 Timothy 2:12, which has traditionally been used to deny women ordination in the Church.

The Latest WTF?! by Forced-Birthers: A brain-dead woman is literally being used as an incubator right now in Texas. I lack the words to describe how horrifying this is.

What have you learned this week?

Share the best links in the comments!

The Day I Showed My Boobs: A Guest Post

I think we all know I write about boobs a lot. Ellie Ava contacted me after some boob tweets and offered to write a guest post for me! She grew up on the more moderate fringes of American evangelicalism – and then moved to Europe for 5 years. All the cool people live in Europe for awhile. Now back in the US, Ellie Ava writes, speaks, and blogs about her experiences living in-between two very different cultures. She loves birds, beauty, and cheesy sci-fi, and you can find a collection of her writings at EllieAva.tumblr.com

Yes, this basically counts as boobs for me. Image via

A few weeks ago, at a theme park in Florida, I wore a tank top/bra combination that intentionally revealed a bit of my boobs. And you know what? The world didn’t end.

This probably doesn’t come as a surprise to you if you were raised outside the confines of purity culture. But if you’ve been there, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Every clothing choice had to be evaluated rigorously. We had to predict every possible negative or sexual response our clothing might evoke and do everything in our power to prevent it. Cleavage and midriff were explicitly prohibited. Skin below the collarbone was sketchy at best, and well-defined rump or boob shapes under your clothes were questionable.

But I’m learning and growing and recovering from my stint with the modesty police. I’ve read and written in-depth analyses of modesty issues, our bodies, and sexuality. And on that vacation, it was finally time to put my new beliefs into practice.

It was plenty appropriate for the situation. We were in Florida, where clothes are mostly optional in the first place. It was hot and sunny, and my outfit was in no way provocative (which is probably sensible around young kids). But it was something I never would have worn before. It was a risk I never would have taken, showing so much of my skin in public.

I had to resist the urge to pull the shirt up a few times. I was a little scandalized every time I looked down and saw them there, out in front of God and everybody. I was honestly a little shocked that I had visible cleavage at all, as I’m small-chested and didn’t even realize that I could do that with the right combination of clothing.

So why did this conservative-raised girl risk the dangers of exposed boobage, the potential to “cause boys to stumble” or receive inappropriate and uncomfortable attention?

Because my shape is a part of my humanity and doesn’t need to be hidden.

Because a woman’s skin and body are more than sex objects.

Because I need to be able to look down and see my own form and not fear it or feel shame over it.

Because I want my younger sisters to see a woman who chooses her clothes based on appropriateness and beauty and expression and joy instead of fear of what other people will think.

Because I want my little brother to see that people who have boobs are still people.

Because I am smart enough to determine what clothes are appropriate to a situation even if they don’t conform to the “rules” set by someone else.

Because language like “not revealing secret things” and “valuing hidden virtue” makes a woman valuable for NOT doing something and installs her virtue in her body parts.

Because wisdom brings life, but rules about inches and hemlines and collarbones bring suffocation and stifling.

Because even if sex is something valuable and private, our bodies are not the same thing as sex.

Will I make it a habit? Well, it is winter, so maybe not for a while. Appropriateness, after all. But I know I won't look at myself in the mirror the same way again. I will be proud and grateful that I have boobs, and I won't let them make me feel like a lesser person anymore.

2013: A Year of Boobs, Books, and Battling Sexism

I can't believe it's 2014 already. So much happened in my life in 2013, and this year will bring about even more changes. However, some things will stay the same. My love for my own boobs and my hatred for body-shaming. My love for books and my regret that I don't read enough. My love for feminism and my disgust of sexism.

Before we jump into everything 2014 has to offer, let's look back at my blog in 2013.

January

In January, I blogged four times. I don't have a favorite post from that month, but to date, My Boobs Have Nothing to Do with You has the third most page views of all time.

February

February doesn't really count because I took my blog offline. During this month, I got a new web design and my own custom domain. I rebranded my blog from Confessions of a Virgin to Finding My Virginity.

March

I somehow managed to blog nine times in March, which I think was a record for me at that point. I wrote a few really good posts that month, and I shared an anonymous guest post. The guest post, Stand Up, Take Action, has the fourth most page views of all time. As much as I love my post on men and sexual assault statistics, and my post on Christian feminism, my favorite post from the month explained my blog's new direction, in How I'm "Finding My Virginity."

April

I had TWO guest posts in April, and the overall unofficial theme for the month was consent. 

May

May was a little cray-cray, because I successfully completed the "Blog Every Day in May" challenge. Wow! My readers loved Misbehaving and Making History, a look at my favorite quote and why. But IMHO, my post on princess culture is one of the best posts I've ever written, Belle, the Disney Princess.

June

In June, I started my bikini series, several blog posts that criticized modesty culture overall and an anti-bikini blog post in particular. My Bikini Answer: I Am Not Cake was both my favorite post that month, and in my top ten most popular posts of all time. 

July

I continued my bikini series in July with My Bikini Answer: Sexual Attraction is Not Lust. Again, it was both my favorite post and y'all's favorite post, with the most page views that month and NINE reader comments, most of which were very long and engaging! 

August

August brought another bikini post (are you noticing a trend yet?), which again had the highest number of page views that month. Apparently I am not the only one who is against modesty culture and for bikini freedom. In My Bikini Answer: All Women Cannot Prevent the Lust of All Men, I pointed out the hypocrisy and sexism in asking women to cover up for the sake of men. But my favorite post that month was actually when I explained the Top 5 Reasons I am Not a Lifestyle Blogger.

September

I went off the grid for about ten days in September, to enjoy a houseboat vacation with Beau Vierge and his family in Tennessee. While I was gone, three of my friends guest-posted for me. I was pretty proud of my post Confessions of a (Future) Feminist Bride.

October

I was really busy in October, and my blog posts were slightly lazy. Real life happens, you know? But I ended the month on a high note, with 3 Easy Tips to be a Good Wife.

November

So... November was also busy, and I was also lazy. I did write one killer post that garnered a ton of comments. My reaction to the viral post on marriage is Actually, Marriage is for (Both of) You and examines some of the dangerous thinking in the original viral work.

December 

I worked really hard on my blog this month, which resulted in a ridiculous total of FIFTEEN blog posts. Gift Ideas for Busty Women quickly ended up in my top ten most popular posts of all time. My favorite post was my review of the December chapter in Rachel Held Evans' book, A Year of Biblical Womanhood. 

Today I am 28: A Guest Post

Today's guest post is written by my friend Elle, who is one of the coolest and funniest people I follow on twitter. Elle is a born and bred Georgian, Coordinator of Toddlery, and living life just trying to get a piece of Aggro Crag.


Today I am 28 years old.

When I was a little girl I wanted to be married and having my first kid by the time I was 25, just like my mom.

I’m single, with no cats, and I have an unhealthy attachment to my couch.

I am pretty happy with my life.

However, I’m not happy with society.

I have kept quiet for many years, and at 28, I feel that I can finally talk openly about it, because now I don’t have anyone telling me to stay quiet.

I remember the first time I was body shamed

I couldn’t have been 10 years old. I was with my father visiting family friends in Florida.

They had a pool, and two sons.

I am sure some girls know what happens next because they themselves had to go through the same thing.

My father made me put a big, baggy, t-shirt on over my bathing suit before I got in the pool.

“Your body is changing now, and boys can’t handle that.”

I wasn’t even 10, and I was taught that boys could not control themselves when it came to girls.

I remember the second time I was body shamed

My stepdad got a work transfer the summer before 5^th grade started. We were moving from a smallish, southern town, to an affluent suburb of a major city. I didn’t want to be bullied so I worked on losing my southern accent, and learning to forget about all the “southern” things that I enjoyed.

A few weeks into school I started hearing the rumors.

“Her boobs are fake.”

“She had a boob job and that’s why they moved here.”

“She had her nose done, too.”

I had never thought of my body as being different. My mom had worked on a college campus, and I was around college-aged women all the time--I thought my body was pretty normal compared to all the women I was surrounded by.

Still a child, and I was body shamed by my peers this time.

Shamed because of something I could NOT control.

Gift Ideas for Busty Women

If you're anything like me, you have definitely not finished your Christmas shopping yet. Between you and me, I haven't even finalized my list! The silver lining is that I've purchased all of Beau's presents already!

Beau promises that he's already picked out my gifts, but I figure a few ideas for the future can't hurt. Besides, I can't be the only busty woman out there who wouldn't mind adding these presents to her wish list.

 

For your girlfriend/wife: I know sexy gifts are fun to give (and receive!), but busty women can't wear all lingerie styles. Instead of picking out a matching bra and panty set, or a lacy teddy, think about a loose nightie or sexy panties that match a plain black bra that she (hopefully) already has. Most busty women can't wear bras without trying them on first, and very few sexy sets come in our sizes. Teddies are built for more proportional women, so it's especially difficult for slim women with big boobs to wear. 

This red satin chemise doesn't have to fit a woman's breasts perfectly, and if the skirt part is a little loose, it will still be comfortable and flattering. Personally, I have three babydolls that I love because neither the bust nor the skirt need to fit perfectly.

For your daughter: Okay, so I'm slightly biased in this recommendation since my parents bought this for me as an early Christmas present when I was home for Thanksgiving. Beau and I have a beach vacation planned for this spring, so my mom bought me a nice new bathing suit for the occasion. If other parents are at all like mine, they worry about how much skin their daughters show at the beach or the pool. My mom finally realized that my body shape requires me to wear bikinis, however, so she's become very supportive (get it?) of me buying expensive, bra-style bikinis. At my favorite local bra boutique, I picked out this bandeau bikini by Cleo, and she happily bought it for me. If my fellow busty ladies are at all like me, then they don't have the money to buy a nice, well-fitting bathing suit that will last a good five years or more. I promise this gift will be well-received!

For your best friend: In the winter, scarves are accessories for everyone. Scarves also double as a cleavage-hiding accessory. I have definitely used scarves with my low-cut tops or dresses to hide my cleavage at work or at church. For the budget-conscious, Forever 21 has tons of cute, affordable styles, like this fun pink scarf. If your bestie loves Parisian style, you can't go wrong with a Pashmina. And if you live somewhere really cold like I do, check out all the hand-knit scarves on etsy!

Obviously I love all my Pashminas, all from Paris save one. The outlier is from Vienna.

Of course, some gifts are good for any busty woman in your life. I know gift certificates feel like a cop (a feel) out, but good bras, in correct sizes, are EXPENSIVE. Most of my bras are $50-70 each. Even just $15 to my favorite bra boutique would make a huge difference.

Another fun gift would be one of the Busty Girl Comics books. Paige "Rampaige" Halsey Warren created 300 comics, which are now available in three books. These collections are absolutely hilarious, and any busty woman would enjoy them.

I hope you found some shopping inspiration! If I am the busty woman in your life, email me for my mailing address. ;) I wouldn't say no to any of these presents!

Are you shopping for a busty woman this year? Are you a busty woman hoping to get any of these presents? Share your thoughts in the comments!

*None of these links are affiliate because I'm lazy and because I only do affiliate links for stuff I've tried out myself but mostly because I'm lazy.

My Bikini Answer: My Body Is Not Sinful

This will not be my last post on modesty, but it is my final post on bikinis. I wrote this while on vacation on a houseboat in Tennessee with Beau and his family. The delay in posting comes from technological issues, two jobs, a cold, and a last-minute attempt at intersectionality.

Tuesday night.

Beau sits on the stool next to me, studying for the Professional Engineering exam.

I'm not wearing a bra. It's not obvious with both a t-shirt and a sweatshirt on, but I'm sure if anyone in his family looked too closely earlier, with my sweatshirt discarded, they might have noticed the droopiness of my unsupported boobs or the pointiness of my uncovered nipples. 

My wardrobe thus far has been a steady rotation of three bikinis, two cover-ups, and comfy pjs completely stolen from Beau's wardrobe: Super Mario pj pants, a t-shirt from ThinkGeek, and a rotation of the three sweatshirts he packed for us to share this week.

According to the original bikini post, my "immodest" clothing choices this week cause the men around me to lust. 

The way we dress impacts those around us, especially guys. I don’t really want a guy to look at me and notice me for my butt, upper thighs, or chest. I’d rather him notice my smile or God-loving personality...

Girls are walking around all the time with barely any clothes on at the beach or pool! Guys can never get a break from it, even if they’re trying to see past all the bodies to find the smiles and personalities within the girls.

So really, how hard is it to not wear a bikini? If you’re like me, it might be a little disappointing. You also might have to save a little more babysitting money to buy a cute (yes, cute ones do exist) tankini or one piece. But honestly, a little disappointment and a little extra cash aren’t that hard to swallow. Especially when such things are to fulfill a God given responsibility. In his Theology of the Body, soon to be Saint John Paul II said, God has assigned as a duty to every man the dignity of every woman. He also assigns to every woman the dignity of every man. Let’s make a commitment this summer to ditch the skimpy swimsuits, earn self respect, and help our brothers in Christ.

But she, and other modesty advocates, actually say more than that.

According to them, when you read their words with a critical eye, my clothing does not cause lust--my body does. Just my revealed stomach--the main difference between a bikini and "modest" swimsuits--apparently causes lust. If a guy happens to notice my body before my personality, then he's lusting after me, and it's my fault for not covering up those curves. If my body can't be covered up to prevent lust, then my body is sinful.

I vehemently disagree.

My body is not sinful. My body cannot cause a man to lust. 

One of my favorite Bible verses is Genesis 1:27. 

So God created humankind in His image, in the image of God He created them; male and female He created them.

How can my body be sinful when I am made in God's own image?

Sexy Keywords

I just realized that I haven't regaled y'all since FEBRUARY with the hilarious and/or head-scratching keywords that sometimes lead to my blog.

From Aug 27, 2013 1:00 PM – Sep 3, 2013 12:00 PM

The most exciting conclusion is that a handful of folks are searching specifically for my blog. Yay! If you're one of those seekers, have you thought about adding me on social media? I promise it's an easy way to keep up with all the latest in virginity and feminism.

 So many options to follow!

The other conclusion is that some folks are still searching for porn and finding my blog instead. There is some weird fascination with virgins and boobs. Like, I don't get it. Virgins are already enough of a fetish--do you have to be so specific in your desires?

What's the craziest keyword/phrase 

your blog has received?

My Bikini Answer: Sexual Attraction is not Lust

Beau is a very supportive boyfriend. Not only does he not mind me writing all about our love and non-sex sex life on the Internet, but he reads all of my blog posts faithfully. He then gives me feedback on my writing. Sometimes he points out the occasional typo, but mostly he just tells that me I'm a wonderful writer, and that he'll happily be a SAHD in the future when I'm a world-famous author. 

A few weeks ago, I wrote about going to the pool with Beau and my besties, Hardy and Lauren. Who love the nicknames I gave them, by the way. Beau read it while we were skyping, and then this conversation happened.

Beau: Well... I definitely noticed Lauren in a bikini.

Me: But you weren't lusting after her.

Beau: Uhh...

Me: Were you thinking of her as a sexual object who only existed for your pleasure?

Beau: No.

Me: You just noticed that my best friend is hot and looks good in a bikini?

Beau: Yes.

Me: That's not lust, babe. In fact, I think my next bikini post will be on the differences between attraction and lust.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Modesty culture does not distinguish between healthy, biological sexual attraction and unhealthy, objectifying lust. As usual, I am not the first to write about this, and I do want to acknowledge what else has already been eloquently stated on this topic. However, I also want to differentiate even further and consider appreciation, attraction, and lust as three distinct reactions to a bikini-clad body (or really, any "attractive" human being).

Appreciation: Good-looking people are not all identical. Obviously beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that, but even if you look at a sampling of Beautiful People, they are not all the same. Brad Pitt is conventionally attractive. So are Will Smith, Orlando Bloom, Patrick Dempsey, Ryan Gosling, etc. I look at all of these men and acknowledge they are Beautiful People. But I'm personally not attracted to all of them. They are not all My Type. I appreciate all their good looks, but I am not attracted to all their good looks. If you've ever told your best friend how hot she looks, or your younger brother how handsome he is (and you weren't lying to be nice), then you understand. You can appreciate someone's attractiveness without being attracted to that person. 

Just for the record, this is me with the majority of my female friends. (The majority of my male friends too, for that matter). Just because I'm attracted to women, and I think my female friends are attractive, does NOT mean I'm automatically attracted to all my female friends.

Sexual Attraction: When I see Will Smith or Orlando Bloom, I get these feelings. Physical feelings. And when I see Beau, especially when he's looking at me in that way, these physical feelings are like a tingling sensation all over my body, but especially in my lady bits. This is sexual attraction. It is a natural, biological response. In fact, it is a natural, God-given response. If we never felt sexual attraction, we wouldn't want to have sex. If we never had sex, we could never procreate. And God's most awesome creation would have ended at Adam and Eve.*

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Lust: I am guilty of lust. Yes, women are capable of lust. When I go to tumblr and look at photo sets of Naya Rivera, which are often collections that focus just on her perfect tits or splendid ass, I am lusting after her. I am not seeing Naya Rivera as a talented, kind-hearted person worthy of dignity and respect.** I am looking at her body and thinking about how much I enjoy it. I am objectifying her. This is lust, and this is the sin God calls us to avoid.

My Bikini Answer: I Am Not Cake

Okay, so this is definitely turning into multiple posts. Consider the real-life story to be an intro to all the posts. Then each post will include some quotations from the original offensive text, some quotations of other commentary, and then my own thoughts.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

 
Y’all.

The CRAZIEST thing happened on Saturday. My besties Lauren and Hardy invited Beau and me to hang out at the pool with them. I wore a bikini. So did Lauren.

And nothing happened.

When Hardy hugged me hello, he didn’t suddenly lose control or grab my boobs or my butt. When Beau hugged Lauren hello, he didn’t suddenly lust after her or treat her like a sex object. And when Lauren and I hugged hello, not a single guy whipped out a dick to start an orgy.

It’s almost as though Hardy and Beau (and the other dudes who were at the pool) are human beings, not animals, who are capable of seeing women in skimpy clothing without immediately needing to be sexual with them. In fact, they’re capable of TOUCHING women in skimpy clothing without that touch or their thoughts turning sexual.

So I guess it’s not so much that the craziest thing happened on Saturday, but that it’s totally crazy that nothing happened.

Or at least, that’s what the author of the viral post “The Bikini Question” would have you believe. Apparently all men are visual creatures who are incited to lust by a woman’s body. Apparently all women should wear one-piece bathing suits… no, wait, apparently we should all wear shirts and shorts over our bathing suits… But wait, I’ve been complimented on my legs before, and my hair, and the tattoo on my foot… Does that mean I should go swimming in a burqa? If women have to dress a certain way to keep men from lusting after them, that’s the logical conclusion… right?

Those paragraphs were a nice combination of hyperbole and sarcasm, just in case y’all didn’t catch on to that.

Eroticism Can Still Be Consensual

I'm pretty unapologetic about my beliefs.

Like that when to have sex, and how to have sex, and with whom to have sex (among consenting adults!) are personal choices.

Like that the government shouldn't be involved in marriage at all, but since it's too late to change that system, same-sex couples should be granted the same rights as male-female couples.

Like that Christianity and feminism are not mutually exclusive.

Like that my boobs don't define me as a person, and you literally know nothing about me based on my body or my clothes, except the general shape of my body and the colors I like.

So when I saw that one of the prompts this month involved "getting on my soapbox," I figured I would write something in regards to feminism.

Then, of course, my brilliant twitter friend @j_aallan linked me an article titled "Sexism. The New Prudery?" published in New Male Studies, an academic journal that apparently doesn't have very high standards for submissions. Seriously, I was reading it, and I kept tweeting at @j_aallan to complain about the academic level of this paper. I almost feel guilty for critiquing it. Almost.

The article's premise is that the fight against sexism is actually a fight against eroticism. Before we look at the specific arguments, I want to define sexism and eroticism. 

Sexism is prejudice or discrimination based on a person's sex, via wikipedia.

Eroticism is generally understood to refer to a state of sexual arousal or anticipation of such, via wikipedia.

Le déjeuner sur l'herbe by Manet

I'm Terrified Of...

I am writing this on Monday and scheduling it on Tuesday! Who else is impressed? I just earned ALL the cookies. 

Part of me wants to go into elaborate detail and psycho-analyze my fears, but I think today's prompt should result in a simple list, like my post from Friday.

I'm Terrified Of...

• Failure. I have so many goals in life, and I have a good track record of meeting them (or changing them according to life's circumstances, and then meeting the new ones!). I'm terrified of really chasing after one of my dreams and completely failing at it.
• Rejection, although this is almost like a subset of failure. Being vulnerable is hard for me partly because what if I open up to someone I love, and that person decides I'm no longer good enough? 
• Spiders. Just call me Ron Weasley. 
• Rape. I honestly can't imagine anything worse happening to me.
• Infertility. I desperately want to be pregnant and pop out a baby Belle or Beau one day. Most women with Crohn's disease who are not actively flaring are able to conceive and have healthy babies, although those children have a higher likelihood of having Crohn's or Colitis. But any permanent health condition puts you at greater risk for infertility and other health complications.
• Loss of my positive body image as I get older. I'm young, and I'm already terrified of wrinkles, saggy boobs, and gray hair.

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What are YOUR greatest fears? Did you link up today for Blog Every Day in May? Share your thoughts and blog posts in the comments!

I'm Uncomfortable When...

Linking up for the third day in a row. Y'all, we are already at some sort of record for Belle! Sorry this post isn't as exciting as the "Story of My Virginity" or the semi-erotic guide I wrote on consent.

I'm Uncomfortable When...

• Women wear the wrong size bra, especially if it gives them the four boobs look.
• I'm using public transportation by myself, and someone decides to sit down next to me, especially if other seats are available.
• Someone makes a racist or homophobic remark. It's so much harder for me to speak out against casual racism or homophobia, even though I'm very vocal about even the smallest signs of sexism.
• I forget to pack flats for a weekend trip, and I end up wearing heeled boots and sparkly wedges all weekend... aka when Rose and Landon got married.
• I wear a thong.
• The conversation turns to sex, and I'm with either my family or Beau's family.

What makes you uncomfortable? Are you participating in "Blog Every Day in May"? Share your links in the comments!

Belle is Back!

Open a bottle of the bubbly and pass around the cupcakes—my self-imposed hiatus is over!

I’ve been offline just under four weeks, but it feels like I’ve been away four months.

I needed the time to reflect, refocus, read, and just relax for awhile.

I reflected on the direction I want to take my blog and my writing, along with how I plan to get there. I refocused both my writing theme and my design elements. I read many many new blogs and finally decided on a few new ones to follow. I relaxed: I regularly went to bed by 11pm, I caught up on Pretty Little Liars (although now I’m behind again), I spent less time fighting on Jezebel, I enjoyed some spa & salon services, I continued the long but rewarding process of turning my apartment into a home, and I cuddled/enjoyed sexi time with Beau.

I usually watch it on Hulu.

I talked about life changes and blog changes in my first post of 2013, but I didn’t realize at the time how much I needed to step away from my blog in order to change it. Taking it offline for a few weeks has been a great chance to de-stress and tackle all my scattered ideas, one at a time, without worrying about updating regularly while I figured things out.

In summary form, these are all the exciting changes taking place at Finding My Virginity!