I Don't Have Sex with My Husband Every Night (and That's Okay)

Beau and I have been married a little over four months now. Yes, we are definitely still newlyweds, and since we saved coitus for marriage--and didn't live together until four weeks before our wedding--our marital bed is still very new and exciting for us. 

But even with the newness of it all, and no pregnancies messing with my hormones or babies zapping us of energy, we still don't have sex every single night. If I had to guess, I'd say we average 3-4 times a week. While Beau has a higher libido than I do, I initiate about 40% of the time, and I only turn him down if I'm sick, exhausted, or libido-less in the middle of my period. It's safe to say we're both pretty satisfied with our sex life.

That said, a blog post gone viral on the Huffington Post suggests our sex life is sub-par because we're not going at it every single night. And the writer does so by invoking some tired, sexist stereotypes. 

1. "Being a mother, one of the ultimate expressions of womanhood, can often leave a girl feeling stripped of her femininity." I'm 27, happily childless at the moment, and I'm very much a woman. Being a mother is NOT the ultimate expression of womanhood. Most people don't say that being a father is one of the ultimate expressions of manhood, so why do we still insist upon the opposite? Furthermore, even on days when I do feel less feminine than I'd like, sex with Beau doesn't suddenly make me "feel like a woman." Sex with my husband is a wonderful and intimate thing that's both carnal and emotional at the same time, but it doesn't really change how feminine I feel. Silly things make me feel feminine, like wearing pearls or putting on lip gloss or giggling with my girlfriends. I don't need to have sex with my husband every night to remember that I'm a woman.
2. "If you want your husband to act like a man, you need to treat him like a man... Women need any number of criteria met to feel loved. Men are far simpler. They need to be fed, they need to be appreciated, and they need to have sex. That is it. Really." Are you fucking kidding me? For all the whining and moaning that sexist men do about feminists, women like this are treating men like a step above cavemen. Personally, I feel incredibly loved when Beau cooks for me, like when he made us breakfast both Saturday AND Sunday this past weekend, and I hope he feels the same when I cook for him. But I'm not the only one who needs a little more than food, appreciation, and sex. We both need emotional support in our careers, we both need non-sexual physical affection, we both need time with our friends and families, we both need time separate from each other! Having sex with my husband every single night will not make him feel like more of a man. Treating him like a human being with complex emotions and needs, however, does help him feel like a man.
3. "You need to have a moment in each day that is just about the two of you." I agree with this sentiment. I love that Beau kisses me each morning before he leaves for work. I love IMing throughout the day about nothing and everything. I love watching Star Trek together. I love cuddling before bed. We have many moments that are just about the two of us--special moments don't have to be sex.
4. "Sex relieves stress." Uh, if you're in the mood to have sex, and thus properly aroused, sure, sex relieves stress. If you really don't feel like having sex, and thus can't relax your muscles enough to enjoy sex, it can be painful and the exact opposite of stress relief. While I certainly enjoy sex with Beau even if it's not a huge priority to me, sex is WAY better for me when I initiate or when we mutually initiate. If I'm really in the mood for sex, penetration can happen sooner, we can try multiple positions, I enjoy a longer duration of sex, and I'm basically guaranteed an awesome orgasm. I've never had sex when I really didn't want to, because my husband treats me like his beloved wife and not a blow-up sex toy, but I have had it when I was ambivalent about it. I still end up enjoying it, but it takes me a lot longer to be sufficiently aroused for penetration, and I'm sometimes too tired for more than two positions. I can't imagine how awful sex would be if I was really uninterested. 
5. "It is so much blasted fun... But tell a girl to have sex every night and she looks at you like you are crazy, An orgasm? Every night?" Again. Going back to #4. I don't have an orgasm every time I have sex. I don't know any woman who has an orgasm every single time she has sex, especially if she's having it when she really isn't in the mood.  

Tell me fellow married friends. Do you have sex with your spouse every single night? Or have you found a frequency that's a little less often, but more suitable to you two as a couple?

Love is for Better, for Worse

12 weeks ago today, my husband and I stood before God and our family and exchanged our wedding vows. 

This past week has definitely been a challenge, but Beau exhibited his love for me every single day.

My birthday was Sunday. I was sick. My husband and I left the bed & breakfast early. At home we discovered an ant infestation, and I freaked out. My dear sweet husband insisted I go upstairs and shower while he took care of all the ants. 

Early Monday morning, my fever was so bad that I was shaking uncontrollably in a desperate attempt to get warm. I couldn't stop shaking. Beau and I were both scared, and he insisted on driving me to the ER. Some Tylenol, some IV fluids, and many tests later, the ER doctor discharged me with the conclusion that I had a viral infection. I slept the rest of the day. Beau came home from work with treats for me: ginger ale, apple sauce, and red Popsicles. 

Monday night, my mom called me to let me know her mom, my sole surviving grandparent, was put into hospice this week. Beau held my hand while we listened to my mom on speakerphone, and he hugged me while I cried afterward. Then he asked me what I wanted to do, and when I said watch Star Trek, he held me while we did that.

Tuesday I felt well enough to work, since I do work from home, but I was still tired and feverish. Beau made me chicken noodle soup for lunch. 

Wednesday I felt completely better... until it was time to do a few chores after dinner to prep for our AC installation on Thursday. After just 30 minutes of loading the dishwasher and putting away laundry, extremely light housework, I was out-of-breath and ready for bed. Beau finished all the chores that we needed to get done that night. 

Even just writing out this description of how he took care of me while I was sick inadequately describes everything he's done for me this week. He has been my rock during this whole terrifying ordeal with my mom's cancer, and I know he'll continue to comfort me as she starts radiation and chemotherapy the week after next.

Our spouses are not only for the good times, but for the bad. I feel so incredibly blessed to have a man like Beau as my husband.

Wedding Wednesday: A Timeline of Events

I think Beau's proposal and our months of wedding planning was our best-kept secret from the blog. My motivation for the secrecy was two-fold.

1. I wanted to control the narrative of my own story of sex and virginity. I didn't want to force the blog conversation before I was ready.
2. I thought announcing our wedding by linking this video was HILARIOUS, and so did both Beau and my best friend Lauren. That was actually planned before we even got engaged.

All the wedding madness isn't quite over yet, but I'm at the point where I can start blogging about all the fun details!

I present to you...

Our Love Story: A Timeline of Events

First Week of Sex & Marriage, After 2 1/2 Years of Love!

It's hard to believe that Beau and I have already been married a week! We have been overwhelmed at the outpouring of love and support not just from our friends and family in person, but from the online community we have discovered in the last 2 1/2 years.

Since I haven't spent the last five months sharing our wedding planning details, y'all can look forward to at least a few months of scattered posts on the proposal, our engagement, the wedding, and our receptions! (Yes, receptions, plural--I hope y'all didn't expect us to celebrate our marriage normally). 

Not to mention that with our week in Puerto Rico, I have quite a few travel posts planned as well. Our honeymoon has been AWESOME so far!

Colorful buildings in Old San Juan

We've also already done a follow-up interview with Therese Schechter, director of How to Lose Your Virginity. Clearly all our "fans" who saw us in the documentary are dying to know about MARRIED SEX! Keep your eyes peeled for that video, coming soon!

But getting married and having coitus for the first time is bigger than all the blog posts I have planned. I am deliriously happy and head-over-heels in love with Beau. Making our wedding vows in front of our families and God was such a beautiful, intimate moment, a formal recognition of how our relationship has grown over the years. Then allowing our bodies to entwine as one, in a way neither of us had ever experienced before, was just... perfect. Beau and I are both so glad to have made the sexual choices we did.

Since I am on my honeymoon, and Beau is in bed next to me, looking as cute and snuggly as ever, I think it's time to cut this blog post short.

MARRIED!

P.S. On Thursday, we discovered a very mutually-pleasurable position, and our second time in that position, we even had near-simultaneous orgasms! So, yeah, obviously I'll be blogging about that in the near-future too.

Post-coital pillow talk includes my analysis of the feminist ramifications of the life-changing sex we just had.
— Belle Femme (@SaBelleFemme) March 27, 2014

I Was a Virgin on My Wedding Night--The Best and Worst Thing for My First Year of Marriage (A Guest Post)

I am THRILLED to feature a guest post by the Vintage Housewife herself. Christine and I are basically opposites, except for that whole "saving sex for marriage thing," but we totally respect our differences. She has undertaken the unique project of learning what housekeeping was like in the 1950s, straight from vintage guides themselves! You gotta respect a woman who understands the importance of primary sources. Today she's writing about one of the failures of purity culture--the lack of frank discussions about sex. Just a gentle reminder to my readers that I actively seek out guest writers with opinions different from my own. I absolutely love what Christine has written today, and I'm honored to feature her on my blog.

I was a virgin on my wedding night, and a pretty “virginal” one at that.  My new husband and I had never seen each other naked or done any of the activities that would follow that step (blow jobs, hand jobs, etc.), so most sexual activities were new to us in this union of “Holy Matrimony.”  The main factor for us in this decision was religious reasons – we felt that God wanted us to be as pure as possible for our wedding night.

Looking back, this is one of the best decisions my husband and I made in our relationship, and we both agree on that.  There would have been a lot of guilt and resentment if we would have gone against our consciences to do something we knew was wrong.  It was definitely the right decision for us, so perhaps the “worst” part of this title is a little misleading.  The reason why I put that there, however, is because being a “hard-core virgin” on my wedding night presented some problems for my marriage that I never anticipated.  I wish that people would warn other dating, abstinent Christians of these things.  They need some sort of disclaimer, like, “This is what’s right, and it will be very advantageous to your relationship, but here is what you’re going to struggle with because of this choice.”  I’ll go through the pros and cons of our decision so you can see what we went through on the “other side” of that magical wedding night – we are now almost four years into a happy, fulfilling marriage, so I think I have some authority to speak on the topic. 

BEST THING EVER 

(I’ll gloss over these quickly because they’re the ones that are preached to everyone on “why to remain abstinent”).

1.        An obvious benefit of being virgins on your wedding night is that neither of you have been with anyone else.  You don’t have to worry about being compared and thinking, “Oh no, am I the best he ever had?  Does he regret this decision?  Am I good enough?”  He has nothing to compare it to, so you’re obviously the best.

2.       Beyond the comparison issue, neither of you bring the emotional baggage that comes with having multiple sex partners.  Any exes are pretty PG, so no one has to harbor the anger and jealousy that can come with the thought of your partner being with someone else. 

3.       STDs are clearly not going to be an issue.

4.       Saving yourself for marriage builds a lot of self-control, and this is a quality that carries over into the marriage realm too.  I’m not worried that my husband will cheat on me.  I’m sure that this is mostly because we’re in a good relationship, however I also know that if he were ever tempted to stray, he has the self-control to “keep it in his pants” and not just go with how he’s feeling in a moment.  It takes strength to be passionately with someone for years and not sleep with them just because you don’t believe it is right.  That strength we built is useful in other areas of our marriage too.

WORST THING EVER 

(I’ll go into a little more detail on these, because I don’t feel like people talk about them enough).

1.       There is a huge mental/emotional block that comes with suddenly becoming sexually active.  There is nothing else on earth that is completely forbidden one second, and then with a few “I do’s,” it’s suddenly not only permissible, but essential to the health of your relationship.  That is super strange.  I was supposed to be “pure pure pure” one night and then a veritable porn star the next.  That’s impossible.  I definitely struggled with this.  For a long time, sex felt “dirty,” and I felt guilty for doing it even though I knew it was okay.  I really blame society for this: they’ve set up this virgin/whore dichotomy where women can’t be righteous in God’s eyes and still enjoy a healthy sexuality.  Why is this?  The Bible is full of sensuality (Um.  Have you read Song of Solomon?), but I couldn’t seem to grasp that concept.  For the first few months of our marriage, that made me feel like an extremely inadequate wife.  My husband is great and was obviously more than understanding (after all, guys are “supposed” to be sexual, so he didn’t really have the same block but understood why I did), but I still felt like such a loser for not being able to do an instantaneous mind switch on this topic.

2.       For a while, you’ll have no idea what you’re doing.  People make jokes about “awkward honeymoon sex,” but for real – it’s so strange.  I mean, prior to my wedding night, no one had seen me naked since I was in diapers.  Now I was supposed to confidently stride around a honeymoon suite naked and jump my new husband every chance I had?  Weird.  Also, there’s just the mechanics of sex in general.  I realize that sex itself isn’t that difficult (after all, teenagers do it), but I would argue that good sex takes time to figure out.  Especially when I’d never “explored myself” or my husband prior to this – how were we supposed to know what felt good and what didn’t?  In short, we didn’t know.  So we just kept trying different stuff.  The awkwardness is cute on the honeymoon, like, “Oh, look at us, so new to all this…ha ha ha!” but as the months roll by and orgasms aren’t easy and mind-blowing, frustration sets in.  It starts to cause tension – is something wrong with me?  Him?  Both of us?  Do we “practice” more often or just give up for a while?  And it can cause division in your relationship.  Sex was the #1 reason my husband and I fought in our first year of marriage, which is something I never would have expected!  Fights about sex?  What?  But apparently that’s one of the top two causes of marital discord in the country (the other one is finances).

3.       The idea of “sexual compatibility” is pretty deceiving.  This one will link to #2.  People talk about making sure that you’re “sexually compatible” with your partner prior to marrying them, and this was something I struggled with a lot at the beginning.  I felt that if two people were “sexually compatible,” then they would quickly understand each other’s preferences and rhythms (because theirs were the same, right?), and sex would become mind-blowingly fantastic after a handful of tries.  When sex wasn’t instantly amazing, I started to wonder if maybe my husband and I weren’t “sexually compatible.”  That was frustrating.  I would never cheat on him, obviously, but I started to wonder if maybe I had given up a chance for better sex by marrying him.   I wondered if maybe I should have slept with more people to learn who was really best in bed.  Ugh – I feel so horrible even typing those words because they’re so ridiculous and selfish, but that’s how I felt.  I’m sure other new brides have felt this way too.  Now, four years in, I can say that our sex life has gotten consistently better from Day 1 until now, and I anticipate it will continue to get better in the future.  It’s not about finding the person who knows all of your exact sexual preferences immediately; it’s about finding someone who is so emotionally and mentally committed to you that they’re willing to put in the work to learn what you like and do it for you.  That’s going to produce some amazing sex.

Being virgins on our wedding night has, overall, been a great choice for my husband and me.  I just wish I would have known the struggles that come along with that decision before I made it.  It wouldn’t have changed my decision, but it would have made me more ready for my first year of marriage, and it would probably have saved some fights.  I think I had this subconscious notion that because I was doing things “God’s way” that He would bless me instantly with amazing sex.  That’s not really a mature viewpoint, but it’s one that I think a lot of romance-stricken abstinent Christian have.  “It will be different for us” or “We know each other so well…it will be amazing.”  I’m sure that’s true for some people, and good for them.  For the other 99% of us, though, I want people to know that there are struggles with getting used to your new sex life, but that going through those experiences with your new spouse brings you closer together and ultimately will produce a great sex life – just maybe not on Night Three of your honeymoon.

Beau and I just finished up Night Three of our honeymoon last night! This post has obviously been scheduled in advance, and no, I am not interrupting my steady stream of sex, sleep, alcohol, books, and the beach to update my blog. So here's hoping that all our preparation got us ready for great sex! If not, Christine is right. We  have the rest of our lives to communicate our desires and become closer every day.

After Long Distance: A Guest Post

I'm super-excited for my friend Lola to share her experiences of being in a long-distance relationship! I thought Beau and I had it hard when I lived in New York, but at least we were in the same time zone. Lola and her fiancée faced a few more challenges than we did... Lola blogs over at Living Here, where she writes about all of my favorite things, like travel, art museums, and books. Also she's one of the coolest people on twitter, so you should follow her there too.
 

When people learn my fiancee and I survived two years of long distance, I'm often asked for advice on how to make LTRs work. Honestly, I've got nothing. Not that it was a fluke our relationship survived, or that we didn't work (hard!) at it, but there's definitely no magic secret. 

What I do know, though, is that the distance might have been the easy part. Now that we live together, we've got a whole new slew of challenges to face. And while it's easy to anticipate the challenges of living apart, it's harder to anticipate the challenges of living together. Thankfully, the former prepared us for the latter in ways I'm sure neither of us could predict.

Scouting out wedding venues

A little bit of background: my fiancee, Crystal, and I met in college, and we were friends for a year before we started dating. We bonded over a shared love for the Red Sox. She thought I was cute, but it took me a while to catch on. After college, I first moved to New York for an internship, then to Warsaw and finally to London, while Crystal lived for a few years in our college town. While I was in New York, we saw each other about once a week, but while I was abroad we could only afford to see each other every 4-6 months. The last time she came to visit me, in London, I proposed. Now we live together in Philadelphia, which is the convenient midway point between our two grad schools.

In retrospect, it helped that my plans for moving abroad were a long time coming. Even before we started dating, I knew I wanted to spend two years abroad after graduating, so it was always on the table as a possibility. The fact that Crystal valued my fiercely independent self was one of the reasons I knew she was the one. My staying behind, or us breaking up, were never considered options. She supported me in my ambitions, and when she applied to grad school last year, I finally got to reciprocate.

Although we didn't plan it intentionally, it was also a huge help that we lived a few hours apart before I moved an ocean away. We adjusted to the distance slowly, learned how to coordinate our schedules for daily Skyping, and never took our time together for granted. 

While we were long distance, communcation became a central part of our relationship. We ended up talking through a lot of tough stuff sooner than we might have otherwise. Inadvertantly, we built a really strong foundation for us to build upon when we were back together.

It makes adjusting to the quirks of living together-- adjusting to each others' favorite brands when we grocery shop, arguing over Chinese vs. hoagies when we order in-- seem pretty inconsequential. We've had a few spats along the way (a notable one was about our rate of Diet Coke consumption) but we've also quickly mastered the art of apology. The bigger things, like finances, were topics we'd discussed while we're apart, so we're not starting from scratch as we delve into them now. We've already beaten the odds, so everything else is a piece of cake.

So: advice? Nothing groundbreaking, I'm afraid. Support one another. Communicate. Compromise. That last one would be my mom's advice. She was a Navy wife, once upon a time, and now she and my dad have been married for over thirty years. But I'm stubborn, and as I'm sure Crystal would tell you, that's the one I'm still working on.

A Week of Love, Sex, and Marriage

At this point, you've probably figured out why I asked for thematic blog posts this week to talk about "Love, Sex, and Marriage." I'm writing this 11 days before my wedding day, the day Beau becomes my husband, and we give up our status as virgins.

While my theme for the week specifically covers love, sex, and marriage, this is hardly the first time I've written on these topics. Over 30 of my blog posts are tagged "marriage," and another 30+ blog posts are tagged "love."

So what did I say about marriage before actually getting married?

Marriage is about you and your spouse. It's not solely about you, and it's not solely about your spouse. As Beau so brilliantly stated, "Love is about someone else. But marriage is a mutual commitment between two people."

La Mariée, by Niki de St. Phalle; Le Centre Pomidou

My marriage to Beau is about the two of us coming together as a family, but we don't need to share a last name to be unified. I am keeping my last name because I think adopting my husband's last name is an archaic tradition that reeks of patriarchy and ownership. I am keeping my last name because I love my last name. I am keeping my last name as a sign of my independence and my feminist beliefs. 

In a biblical and very heteronormative way, our marriage is also about becoming one in a literal (and sexual) sense. I do not believe that premarital sex is a sin, and I have not believed that ever since I took Feminist Biblical Interpretation to fulfill the final requirement for my concentration in Women’s and Gender Studies. Yet, when I think of making love for the first time, scripture is the first thought that comes to mind.‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. Mark 10: 7-9

As I look back on my old blog posts, I'm amazed at how far Beau and I have come. My blog on virginity inadvertently turned into a chronicle of our relationship, from our first date to our wedding day. I knew a little bit about romantic love and marriage before Beau, but being in love with him and preparing for a life together is unlike anything I ever could have imagined. 

And my faithful readers have been with us, some of you since the very beginning. Thank you for sticking with me as I've tackled my own complicated thoughts and feelings on sex and virginity. Thank you for putting up with all my mushy posts on LOVE. 

Most of all, thank you for understanding that my views on sex and virginity are my own, and they don't reflect a condemnation of anyone who feels differently. I have found so much more love and support in writing this blog than I could have ever imagined. 

I might have married Beau,

but I still love each and every one of YOU. 

P.S. Don't worry--I don't plan on leaving the blogosphere! I'll still be writing about virginity and feminism, just no longer from the perspective of a coital virgin. 

Love Is a Relaxing Date Night

Most of the time, Beau and I are pretty casual. We spend many Friday nights eating pizza or wings while watching Star Trek. Romantic gestures happen when I make him a mug of hot chocolate alongside my tea or when he changes the oil in my car. 

But we still sometimes like to woo each other, like we did last Saturday night. A few weeks ago, I treated myself to a relaxing evening with a facial and tasty treats. I wanted to share that experience with Beau last weekend. I planned a romantic evening for us that started with a simple dinner and ended with... well, I'll leave that to the imagination!

While Beau caught up on chores Saturday afternoon, I prepared dinner. I sliced up three different kinds of cheese--Extra Sharp Cheddar, Colby Jack, and Muenster--and some Summer Sausage. I don't exactly have a huge selection of fancy dishes, but I arranged them on my favorite plate. Putting the crackers in my one fancy margarita glass was a stroke of genius! 

Beau doesn't really like veggies, but I cut up a red bell pepper for myself and arranged them on a matching plate with some carrots and Ranch dressing as well. 

The strawberries were my dessert, and the Hershey's Kisses
were for Beau. I'm pretty sure I'm the only person in the world who doesn't like chocolate, but Beau was totally cool eating the Hershey's Kisses by himself. He doesn't like strawberries, so I enjoyed not sharing either!

Since it was a special occasion--date nights are always special!--we celebrated with a bottle of sparkling wine.

After dinner, we decided to enjoy dessert in the bath. Before dating Beau, I never really appreciated how amazing a hot bath can be in the middle of winter. We love taking baths together. I usually add some homemade lavender bath salts to the water, and Saturday night was no exception. 

It's not easy being green...

After we enjoyed our fill of strawberries and Hershey's Kisses (and finished all the sparkling wine!), we tried out my new Boots Botanics Ionic Clay Mask. Beau graciously applied it first on my face and then on his own. After ten minutes, I wiped mine off with a washcloth, and he rinsed his off in the bathwater. 

Sorry, we didn't pay attention to the softness of his hands.

Beau's Thoughts: It felt like rubbing dirt on Belle's face. Specifically, it felt like USCS Group OH soil. On my face, it felt like slowly drying mud. Also, we still haven't gotten all the residue out of the bathtub. We usually don't have to scrub it down in-between baths.

This mask can be used once a week, so I'm actually wearing it again tonight. I like how it feels nice and tight on my skin as it dries. My skin definitely felt softer last week after using it, and my face still looked good the next morning. Beau's skin also looked better immediately after using it, but his face was dry again in the morning. We used different moisturizers after the mask, though, which probably contributed to the differences. 

I use the CVS version of Olay's night cream.

All relaxed from our bath and at-home facials, Beau and I went to bed. We just didn't go to sleep right away...

This weekend, we settled back into routine. Last night we ate boneless chicken wings while watching Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. Tonight I blogged while he complained about our local Republicans trying to screw with the Libertarians. Not every weekend needs to involve an extra-special date night, but I'm so glad we devoted last Saturday night to romance and relaxation!

How do you celebrate Date Night?

*Post contains Amazon Affiliate links. Also, Influenster sent me the Hershey's Kisses and the Boots Botanics Ionic Clay Mask complimentary for testing purposes.