A Week of Love, Sex, and Marriage

At this point, you've probably figured out why I asked for thematic blog posts this week to talk about "Love, Sex, and Marriage." I'm writing this 11 days before my wedding day, the day Beau becomes my husband, and we give up our status as virgins.

While my theme for the week specifically covers love, sex, and marriage, this is hardly the first time I've written on these topics. Over 30 of my blog posts are tagged "marriage," and another 30+ blog posts are tagged "love."

So what did I say about marriage before actually getting married?

Marriage is about you and your spouse. It's not solely about you, and it's not solely about your spouse. As Beau so brilliantly stated, "Love is about someone else. But marriage is a mutual commitment between two people."

La Mariée, by Niki de St. Phalle; Le Centre Pomidou

My marriage to Beau is about the two of us coming together as a family, but we don't need to share a last name to be unified. I am keeping my last name because I think adopting my husband's last name is an archaic tradition that reeks of patriarchy and ownership. I am keeping my last name because I love my last name. I am keeping my last name as a sign of my independence and my feminist beliefs. 

In a biblical and very heteronormative way, our marriage is also about becoming one in a literal (and sexual) sense. I do not believe that premarital sex is a sin, and I have not believed that ever since I took Feminist Biblical Interpretation to fulfill the final requirement for my concentration in Women’s and Gender Studies. Yet, when I think of making love for the first time, scripture is the first thought that comes to mind.‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. Mark 10: 7-9

As I look back on my old blog posts, I'm amazed at how far Beau and I have come. My blog on virginity inadvertently turned into a chronicle of our relationship, from our first date to our wedding day. I knew a little bit about romantic love and marriage before Beau, but being in love with him and preparing for a life together is unlike anything I ever could have imagined. 

And my faithful readers have been with us, some of you since the very beginning. Thank you for sticking with me as I've tackled my own complicated thoughts and feelings on sex and virginity. Thank you for putting up with all my mushy posts on LOVE. 

Most of all, thank you for understanding that my views on sex and virginity are my own, and they don't reflect a condemnation of anyone who feels differently. I have found so much more love and support in writing this blog than I could have ever imagined. 

I might have married Beau,

but I still love each and every one of YOU. 

P.S. Don't worry--I don't plan on leaving the blogosphere! I'll still be writing about virginity and feminism, just no longer from the perspective of a coital virgin. 

5 Things to Think About Before Having Sex

I hope no one took my post last week seriously. I forgot to use my favorite sarcasm font when writing it.

I obviously have a huge problem with abstinence-only education. I’m totally okay with parents or churches teaching teenagers their values about sex within the confines of marriage, but I don’t think a public school’s responsibility is religious, moral education.

That said, I’ve always supported sex (and abstinence) as a personal choice. Whether you’re thinking about having sex for the first time or the 100^th time, reflect on these five factors.

Birth Control

via

If you’re thinking about having sex, especially for the first time, I’m going to take a wild guess and say you’re not currently ready to be a parent. Have you educated yourself on the different forms of contraception? Their pros and cons? Here in the United States, the only reasonably inexpensive and fairly reliable form of contraception is condoms. The Pill and other hormonal forms of contraception can be both cost-prohibitive* and age-prohibitive. Have you and your partner discussed your preferred method of birth control? Do you trust your partner to use contraception correctly? This is a legitimate concern to have before having intercourse for the first time, or with a new partner for the first time.

Five Things I Never Learned in School

This post was originally better. My original intention was a longer post with some stories from my past. But the Blogger app on my iPad erased my first draft, and I just didn't feel like starting over.

5. School helped my French grammar, but living in France gave me the confidence and the practice to speak French with actual French people. If you want to learn a second language, you really need to live in a country that speaks the language.

The city of Niort, from the historic towers in the city.

4. My self-worth isn't determined by what men think of me. My earthly value might be based on my intelligence, or my kindness, or my mad writing skillz, and it's okay if I bask in those things. But my inherent value comes from God, because I'm made in Her image.

3. My parents are often right, but not always. Disagreeing with them doesn't make me a disrespectful daughter. In fact, when I stand up to them because of my beliefs, it's proof that they raised me well. They raised me to stand up for what's right, even if it's hard.

2. Vulnerability is not weakness. Needing the love and support of others doesn't make me less independent.

1. Not everyone is saving sex for marriage. Not everyone is engaging in casual sex all the time. Not everyone is in a relationship. Not everyone is single. Most people are somewhere in-between the extremes we see in TV and movies.

What life lessons did you learn outside of school?

Read My Blog. All of It. But Especially These Posts.

I'm officially a pro at blogging whenever I have 15 minutes, saving drafts, and scheduling the post for later.

If you've spent some time poking around my blog, you've probably noticed the permanent links on my toolbar. 

Meet Belle Vierge ♥ Belle's Writing Portfolio

♥ The Library: Belle's Books and Reader Resources ♥

101 Things in 1001 Days ♥ Guest Post Guidelines

Under my writing portfolio, I have links to some of my best posts, by category. Today's prompt A list of links to your favorite posts in your archives inspired me to update my list and even add two new categories.

So why these posts? Why these categories?

My blog is about virginity, but it's mostly about me and my virginity. Emphasis on the me part. I've chosen to highlight posts about my passions (feminism, consent, and virginity) and about my feelings.

In case linking you to a page with all my favorite posts already linked isn't enough for you, here are some suggestions based on what you might want to know about me.

If you're new here, I recommend reading Meet Belle Vierge and my Inaugural Post first. Then try Who I Am: A Story in Ten Parts for some background deets.

I took a lot of selfies in Niort. Don't judge me.

If you have questions about my feminism, read about my Childhood Observations, find out that My Sexual Assaults Were NOT My Fault, and learn why Gender Inequality Makes Me Angry.

If you don't understand virgins, OR if you're a virgin who feels out of place in this world, check out my Mythbusters: Virgin Edition tag. I've written an entire series on virgin stereotypes that don't apply to me.

If you want to know why I'm (mostly) anonymous, read the post in which I came out to my readers as bisexual.

As always, if you have any questions for me, I will try my best to answer them. I am notoriously bad at returning emails, so don't be surprised if you receive a reply a month later. The best way to receive an immediate response is to comment here or tweet at me. I reply to most comments within the comment section, because most comments/questions/answers are valuable for all my readers to see.

But don't be surprised if I answer your question with a list of links to my blog, or if I quote from a previous blog post... I've written a LOT about virginity, sex, boobs, feminism, sexual assault, and consent. Sometimes I don't feel like repeating myself!

Which of my blog posts is YOUR favorite? Did you like my list?

 

To Thine Own Self Be True

I'm almost done writing Saturday's post. I jumped ahead, because it looks like a nice and easy short prompt. But then I got stuck trying to make it pretty, and gargh, I'm so frustrated. This whole blogging every day is HARD, y'all.

I have so much advice, y'all. Like learn a second language. Try new things. Only engage in consensual sexual behavior. Visit Paris.

But I want to offer more general advice, for all people, at any age, in any stage of life.

What's so cool about literature is how open to interpretation it is. Shakespeare wrote "To thine own self be true" in Hamlet, through the voice of Polonius, speaking to his son Laertes. (Yes, I googled all of this).

My interpretation is this:

Be honest with yourself. Saving coitus for marriage is an arbitrary line along a sexual spectrum, but saving a sexual experience for only my husband is important to me.

Do your own thing. I blog about virginity.

Listen to the counsel of others, but then make your own decisions. My youth pastor in undergrad said masturbation is a sexual sin. I prayed about it. I disagree.

Don't compare yourself to others. Everyone has so many more readers than I do... It's hard to follow my own advice sometimes.

Celebrate your uniqueness. I haven't found another blog that focuses on sexy virginity.

Acknowledge your sameness. We all just want to change the world and connect with other people through our writing.

Never lose sight of who you are. According to Beau, I'm perfect. ♥

What advice do you have for me?

Consent: A Definition

Remember that one time, I wrote a post on consent, and I promised to write more on consent, like how consent can be sexy, and then I never did?

Yeah, sorry about that. Life happened? I was distracted by other blog ideas? I wrote posts that were timely with current events?

Speaking of current events, consent should be a timeless idea, but in the Steubenville aftermath, and to honor Sexual Assault Awareness Month, bringing it up again seems especially appropriate.

Confession: My observations of the political and social climate in the States are clouded by my identity as a feminist. (Shocking revelation, I know).

I spend a borderline-obsessive amount of time educating myself on the gender pay gap (it exists, but whining about 77 cents on the dollar makes you look like an uninformed idiot), following proposed and enacted anti-choice legislation seeking to limit women’s reproductive health (I then inform Beau of states where we cannot live one day, like North Dakota), and studying sexual assault (the prevalence, the perpetrators, the different forms, societal causes, etc.).

One of the most encouraging trends I’ve noticed in the last year is the appearance, at least, of more people calling for a change in rape prevention. The trendy feminist thing to say is “Don’t teach women not to get raped. Teach men not to rape.” Campaigns include Men Can Stop Rape and Don’t BeThat Guy.

From the new bystander intervention campaign.

One of the most discouraging trends I’ve noticed, however, is the

CAUTION: ANGRY FEMINIST HULKING OUT. SKIP TO BELOW IF YOU ARE AN EASILY OFFENDED MAN.

Disgusting, whiny, misogynistic, uncaring attitude from waaaaaaaay too many men who are falling over themselves to see who can be the most obnoxious and privileged asshole of all time.

Not all men are rapists! I’m offended at the implication! No fucking duh. Look, feminists are a little tired of prefacing every conversation about rape with the disclaimer that we know most men aren’t rapists. But guess what. Most rapists are men. So if we’re gonna talk about rape, we gotta talk about men. GET OVER YOUR DAMN PRIVILEGE.

What, I have to get consent now every time I have sex? That’s absurd! What a mood-killer. You’re a fucking idiot who’s either a rapist or just really lousy in bed. If you can’t find a sexy way to get clear consent from your partner, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

YOU MAY RESUME YOUR REGULAR, INOFFENSIVE READING.

Or, more nicely put, one of the most discouraging trends I’ve noticed is when some men don’t understand what feminists are trying to do and thus lash out with irrational fear.

Confessions of a Christian Feminist

Like many Americans, I become emotional and especially religious around Easter. I can’t help but reflect on my complicated beliefs as a Christian feminist. Inspired by my new blogging friend Betsy, these are my beliefs.

The Church of the Jacobins in Toulouse

Section removed and added to new blog.

Today is Easter, and many of us are updating our facebook statuses and tweeting, “He is risen!” 

Today we celebrate the resurrection. 

Today I played a video of Collin Raye’s song, “What if Jesus Comes Back Like That?” for my atheist boyfriend. I know we’re incapable of godly love, but we can do a lot better with our humanly love.

Also removed.

Men Are Statistically More Likely to be Victims of Rape Than to be Falsely Accused of Rape

Confession: I regularly tweet at work. And not just because I manage all the social media for my company. I work for a start-up company, which means my job description includes the ability to “hurry up and wait.” In-between actual job tasks, I read the latest on Jezebel, stalk my new favorite blogs, and tweet about sexual assault.

Today, as I was getting ready to leave work, I tweeted two things. 

The response to the first was typical.

The response to the second is the most number of retweets and favorites I have ever received. By far.

Not surprisingly, I also received a small number of hostile replies to the suggestion that men shouldn’t be nearly as worried about being falsely accused of rape as they should about being victims of rape. Maybe because it’s easier to think women are more likely to lie than men are to be violent? I don’t know.

In light of the recent Steubenville case, and the disgusting amount of victim-blaming on the Internet, and the fight I had with my twin brother (the rape apologist) last week, and the replies I received to this tweet… I give you…

A post on men and sexual violence.

My Boobs Have Nothing to Do with You

According to twitter, clearly the world’s authority on everything ever, today is Cleavage Appreciation Day. Obviously some women have gotten really into it, tweeting shots of their cleavage (or even just their bra-clad boobs), with the hashtag #CleavageAppreciationDay. Other women are pretty against it, and they’re calling out basically all women who show cleavage ever as 1) lacking self-respect 2) being desperate for attention and/or 3) acting slutty. Some men are all “Woo, boobs!” and some men are all, “How darest these harlots cause me to have sinful thoughts?”

This is a pretty clear example of a larger debate in American society. Hell, to an extent, it’s an example of a lifelong issue within Christianity. Women are either the Virgin or the Whore, and we are criticized heavily regardless of our choice.

But I’ve already discussed the prude/slut dichotomy. This post is about boobs, a companion piece of sorts to my previous rant on boob-shaming. If I write this correctly, I will somehow tie together my problem with the Church’s view on modesty, my support of female sexuality, rape culture, and body autonomy. All with pictures of my cleavage and pissed off indignation that some people have the audacity to think they know anything about me based on my aforementioned cleavage. 

Age 19, Delta Nu* Initiation Banquet. An outfit heavily criticized for showing "too much" cleavage.

Wasting Your Vote is BULLSHIT: How Voting Is Like Sex

Have you seen the controversial ad comparing voting for the first time to having sex for the first time?

It's received a lot of attention, and rightly so. From Republican outrage* "Oh, look, the Democratic Party reduces women to their sexual status too!" to this well-written article on hipster sexism.

I don't condemn the ad as objectification of women. Lena Dunham is an extremely self-aware woman who knows what she's doing.

But I don't think the ad goes far enough in comparing voting to sex. I think I can do better.

My Big Boobs, My Business

Tonight I want to discuss something near and dear to my heart… Literally.

Boobs.

Big boobs.

Teeny tiny ribcage, and my cups runneth over.

My boyfriend just unhooked my bra to encourage my writing. He’s so sweet like that.

I don’t just want to discuss big boobs. I want to discuss how people react to big boobs. How people treat those of us who have big boobs. How people can’t look past a bra size.

How people call me a slut when I show just a hint of cleavage.

Just an FYI for any new blog readers. I’m a virgin, so I’m pretty sure I am NOT a slut.

I had major writer’s block while working on this post the other night. After sleeping on it, I realized the source of my struggle.

Boobs are such a complex subject that I can’t just devote a single post to it. My thoughts were seriously all over the place. I went from ranting to discussing awesome bras to explaining my big-boobed perspective.

Tonight, I’m going to rant. I’ve written about slut-shaming before. Tonight, I’m writing about boob-shaming.

Your Choice to Make: A Guest Post

I didn't want to abandon my blog, though, so I put out a call for guest posts, and I've had several volunteers! 

Classy in K.C. is one of my online friends, via both blogging and tweeting. We've had some pretty different adventures in dating, but I still find it so easy to relate to her blog posts. Also, if you need further proof of her awesomeness, she is one of only fourteen people my boyfriend follows on twitter. High praise indeed. So, I think it goes without saying, I was thrilled when she approached me to write a guest post!  

Classy is a 21-year-old college student living her dream life in Kansas City. Her major is Public Relations, and she hopes either to work in an art museum (love this goal!!) or for a non-profit that benefits children (so maybe we have more in common than I thought). In her free time she teaches swim lessons, reads, and, of course, writes!! We hope you enjoy her guest post.

We all know that we can say no anytime we want, but what about saying yes? What happens when somebody takes away the choice to decide when we want to have sex?

In my first “grown-up” relationship with my ex-boyfriend, that choice was in a way taken from me. But probably not the way you think. My ex had decided that he was waiting until marriage, so I respected his choice and, at the time, I thought that meant I wouldn’t be having sex until marriage either.

The problems started when our relationship ended, and I was 20 years old with no hard and fast feelings on when I wanted to have sex. And let me tell you, being in a college setting with no real sexual boundaries set is NOT a good idea.

I remember hearing in all my sex-ed classes that you have to have boundaries set with a guy before anything. The problem is: it’s college. Usually there isn’t some sort of lengthy courtside where these boundaries are set.

So pretty much, these lack of boundaries led to me losing my virginity to a guy I sort of liked, but with whom I had no real emotional connection. I didn’t know him very well, and it turned out he had a girlfriend he forgot to mention, but that’s another story.

That’s not at all how I pictured it happening. I had envisioned my first time being with someone that I loved and of course there would be fireworks and candles and a harp playing softly in the background. Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but you get the picture. My first time wasn’t magical.

Now, I believe in living with no regrets, and I can’t change the past so what’s done is done. I am now happily in a relationship with someone I love, someone with whom I know sex will mean much more when it happens.

But all that being said, I think it’s really important to decide for yourself what YOU want to do with your sex life. If you don’t set your own boundaries, regardless of the situation you are in, single or taken you can end up making a decision you will regret.

The person you are with shouldn’t dictate your boundaries even if that means you would consider having sex when they don’t want to. That’s something you need to know in case you ever find yourself in… compromising situations.

If I could take it back and choose a different person to lose my virginity to, I probably would, but since I can’t, I hope that I can help others make better choices for themselves than what I did!

Classy with her sister

XO,

Classy 

Edit 09/27/2012: My twin brother's tumor is completely gone, by some miraculous surgery.

Hi, friends. By now, most of y'all know how crazy my life has gotten. My twin brother has a brain tumor, I just moved back home July 6 from Toronto, and my kid brother left for Melbourne, Australia July 11. Oh, and I'm moving to the Midwest July 29. Let's just say that blogging has been the furthest thing from my mind at the moment.

Don't Trust the Big Screen: A Guest Post

Y'all. My first guest post from someone who isn't dating me!

A few weeks ago I received an email from a fellow writer, Mallory Hughes, asking if she could guest post for my blog. I get excited when people admit to reading (and liking my blog), so of course I said yes. She ended up becoming very busy (ah, student life, those were the days!), but passed on this gem from Lilly Star, the lead female writer at DatingWebsites.com.

Lilly is a professional advice-giver with experiences in dating men of all types, including the good ones that got away. Her passions include white wine, purple peonies and relaxing on the chaise lounge with her dachshund Samantha. Lilly's work can be read on dating blogs for both men and women.

So, dear readers, grab yourself a glass of white wine (Lilly would approve) and read what she has to say about one of my guilty pleasures: romcoms.

The moment comes in almost every romantic comedy when man and woman unite in a hug after a drawn out, overly dramatic sprint into each others arms. They embrace, they kiss, they sweep each other’s foreheads. Ultimately they forgive the previous two hours of indiscretion and heartache. The message: Despite everything, we are in love.

Love in the real world is a little different.

If you’re like me, then you understand that there is a lot of doubt in the dating world that movies creatively cover up. The indecision and lack of commitment from male counterparts* is only the tip of what can be an iceberg of confusion. It’s the gray area, the confusion, that most movies voluntarily skip. Why impart reality when fantasies are what you want?

The problem I’ve found is, that if I buy into the bogus perceptions, then I’m usually in for some major disappointments (even movies as “self-aware” as He’s Just Not That Into You have a nasty habit of ending on the sorts of upticks that make the realist woman grimace). I know that there is real optimism in the movies, and that is a powerful antacid for the trivialities of life, but taking lessons from these movies can be counterproductive. I’ve looked down on myself as the awful words, “Well, Samantha on Sex and the City ….” have left my mouth. I know better than to think Christian Louboutin heels are going to make me sexier to a man who has never looked at the underside of shoes in his life. Still, I make the mistake of following those pearls of advice from the Hollywood starlets, and end up as frustrated as before, but with a grand less to spend on groceries.

Note to self: Samantha is just a character, not my real life BFF (Photo Credit)

Maybe women shouldn’t buy into the movie-making mess at all. Maybe we should establish a firm line against taking dating advice from scripts...?