No Offense, But Your Reading Comprehension Sucks

No offense, but your understanding of modest culture is very wrong. you're judging all of us based on what a few people have said. modesty is for BOTH men and women, so it's not sexist. If it really was about "women cover up so men don't get tempted" then THAT would be bad. But no, it's about both men and women dressing appropriately according to location, both saving themselves for the person they love, and all the rules are appIied for both sexes. It's balanced that way, unlike the western culture, which has women so routinely naked and men covered. That it sexist, is it not? It's just as bad as calling a girl a slut and praising the boy. And shaming us for being modest and assuming our reasons is just as bad as slut-shaming and assuming their reasons for dressing a certain way. Modesty is nice. It's our choice. Please stop bashing it. Thanks.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Yeah, okay.

Let's break this down bit by bit.

No offense, but your understanding of modest culture is very wrong. you're judging all of us based on what a few people have said. 

Countless people have shared their stories at No Shame Movement of how religious people shamed them for their bodies. I've featured guest posts on my own blog from women who grew up in Christian cultures that taught them harmful messages about their breasts causing men to sin. Not to mention I've shared my own experiences of the Christian church objectifying me.

Oh, and literally just a few days ago, another Christian dude-bro decided to chime in and tell women to cover up so we don't cause our brothers to "stumble."

#christiancleavage in its entirety, ladies and gentlemen. THE INTERNET IS FOREVER BUAHAHAHA pic.twitter.com/wnPfQb70Iw
— Emily Joy (@softlysoaring) January 23, 2015

No offense, but a hell of a lot more than "a few" people preach that women must dress a certain way, or we're responsible for men's lust.

modesty is for BOTH men and women, so it's not sexist. 

Bull. Shit. Remember the hypocritical mom who judged teenage girls for being sexy online while posting pictures of her teenage sons shirtless at the beach?

And the countless articles that come out every spring admonishing women not to wear bikinis? Why don't they ever tell men to cover up at the beach?

If it really was about "women cover up so men don't get tempted" then THAT would be bad.

At least you agree with me in principle. You're just blind to any reality other than your own little bubble.

Go read another one of my posts on modesty and lust and the misapplication of Romans.

But no, it's about both men and women dressing appropriately according to location, both saving themselves for the person they love, and all the rules are appIied for both sexes. It's balanced that way, unlike the western culture, which has women so routinely naked and men covered. That it sexist, is it not?

If it was about people dressing appropriately according to location, people would stop having conniption fits about women wearing bikinis at the pool or beach. 

I'm criticizing Western Culture. I'm assuming you're not American. I am. I am writing from the perspective of an American Christian feminist who thinks Modesty Culture and Purity Culture promote harmful, sexist ideas. While the choice in the media to have scantily-clad women alongside fully-clothed men (like in Blurred Lines) is one that objectifies women, the individual choice of women to wear bikinis on the beach or shorts in the summer is good.

It's just as bad as calling a girl a slut and praising the boy. And shaming us for being modest and assuming our reasons is just as bad as slut-shaming and assuming their reasons for dressing a certain way. Modesty is nice. It's our choice. Please stop bashing it. Thanks.

I assume English is not your first language. I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to say here. This is my best response. 

Yes, the slut-player dichotomy is wrong. 

Don't put words into my mouth. Tell me where, exactly, I wrote a SINGLE WORD shaming anyone for their choice in clothing. You can wear whatever you want. I don't care.

The problem is when society pressures women to dress a certain way for the benefit of men. In Modesty Culture, that means Christians and churches often shame women into dressing a certain way for the sole purpose of protecting men. "Don't cause your Christian brothers to stumble" is a frequent admonition to women. 

Again, don't put words into my mouth. Where did I assume why an individual person dresses a certain way?

I am critiquing a culture that shames women into dressing a certain way, and punishes them if they don't.

So, no offense, but maybe you shouldn't leave condescending comments that indicate a clear lack of understanding of the issue at hand.

5 Lies Told by Modesty Culture

It's that time of year again. The weather is finally warming up, even here in the chilly Midwest. We traded our boots for our flip-flops, wool hats for straw hats. My husband and I even bought a new grill and celebrated a recent warm night with pork chops and bell peppers with my brother-in-law P and his wife E.

Of course, with the hot weather and the switch to seasonally-appropriate clothes come something slightly less cheerful...

All the admonitions that girls should dress modestly or else.

During my bikini series last year, I learned more than I ever wanted to know about modesty culture. Today I'm critiquing five of the worst and the most common lies told by proponents of modesty culture. 

photo via

1) Women are responsible for men's lust.

Women. It is impossible for you to control how another person thinks or feels. Literally the only way you can stop any man in the world from noticing your existence is by not leaving your house. Ever. You cannot anticipate what will or will not cause a man to lust. Ankles used to be quite scandalous while generous decolletage was NBD. Don't let anyone tell you that your mere existence in a female body is cause for male lust.

Some Christian bloggers have sorta wised up to the flaws in this argument. They start their writing with a throwaway paragraph or two insisting that only men are responsible for their lust... BUT. There's always a but involved. Men are responsible for their lust, BUT women need to dress modestly to help them. Their scriptural basis for this is usually a horrible misinterpretation of Romans 14, which I addressed in detail last summer in my post "My Bikini Answer: All Women Cannot Prevent the Lust of All Men."

They all assume that Christians are called to modify their daily behavior to prevent the potential sin of every single person they ever meet.

Well, no, that’s not exactly it. They all assume that Christian women are called to modify their daily behavior to prevent the potential lust of every single MAN they ever meet.

No. Stop asking women to anticipate the weaknesses of every single man ever. It is not our responsibility to keep your thoughts pure. 

2) Any woman who causes a man to lust has committed a sin.

Wait, what? First, this is based on the premise that women are responsible for men's lust, which I just pointed out is ridiculous. Second, this is again a horrible misinterpretation of scripture. Look at Matthew 5:27-28. A typical translation is as follows.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (NSRV)

Anyone who claims a woman sins if a man lusts after her is a person reallllllly fixated on the two words "with her." As though she has somehow consented to this adultery of the heart. Quite often, a woman doesn't even know if a man has lusted after her. What is her sin again? Being female in public?

Furthermore, this article examines the Greek and explains in detail why most translations of these verses are so bad. The author explains the true meaning of the verse this way.

The look is not the problem (nor is the presence of a beautiful woman, which some of that day tended to blame as the real problem); no, these are assumed. What is remarkable (given the popular misinterpretation) is that Jesus likewise assumes the presence of sexual desire in the man as a given, and that sexual desire isn’t seen as the problem. Instead, Jesus addresses the matter of intent, of volition, the purpose of the look. The issue is not the appetite itself but how a man directs this natural appetite and inclination...

In modern terms, it’s the difference between seeing a woman and being attracted to her—a natural part of the God-created appetite and a good indicator that one is alive—and actually considering or seeking an illicit activity.

Which, by the way, is really similar to my point last summer that sexual attraction is not lust.

3) Modesty isn't about strict dress codes--it's a heart issue.

If people actually believed modesty was a heart issue, they would stop talking about the need to dress modestly. They would discuss the importance of living within your means, being generous with your gifts, not driving expensive cars or wearing flashy jewelry. If modesty were a heart issue, pastors would question country club memberships, debutante balls, and lavish charity events. 

But when was the last time someone said that modesty is a heart issue, and then followed it up with anything except a conversation on women's responsibility to dress modestly?

Modesty actually is a heart issue. That's not a lie. It becomes a lie when a proponent of Modesty Culture tells it, because it's just another attempt to control women's clothing.

I was a debutante. I was a debutante at 19, when my boobs were huge, and I couldn't hide them. People talked to me about my boobs. No one talked to me about the temptation to feel sinful pride in being a debutante. I was only aware of it because my mom confessed her own struggle with pride after our invitation, which helped me recognize and squash my own prideful thoughts. Modesty should have been a heart issue, but all anyone cared about were my boobs.  

4) Dressing immodestly shows a lack of self-respect. Dressing modestly reveals your dignity. 

Whatever happened to: "Don't judge a book by its cover?"

Here are all the reasons a woman might wear a bikini:

• It's hot outside
• A bikini is the only type of swimsuit that fits her body
• She couldn't afford a different swimsuit
• It's her favorite color
• She's a professional volleyball player
• She wants female attention
• She wants male attention

But you cannot know why a woman is wearing a bikini, or any other type of clothing, just by looking at her. You can't. 

The opposite is true as well. A woman can wear a buttoned-up cardigan with loose slacks, and no one can just assume she's broadcasting self-respect and dignity. For all you know, she wears buttoned-up cardigans to church to cover up her tattoos.

5) A man's opinion of your appearance is the only opinion that matters. 

Honestly, this is the biggest and most harmful of all the lies told by Modesty Culture.

The irony, of course, is that Modesty Culture claims to be the counterculture to the objectification of women. Except instead of valuing women based on how sexually appealing we are with all our skin showing and boobs flaunting, Modesty Culture values women based on how beautiful we are with our tasteful expensive clothing that still emphasizes our femininity, if not our female bodies. 

Modest is hottest, right?

I'm not gonna try and say I never think of my husband when I pick out an outfit. But... um... huh. Actually, I just spent two minutes trying to think of the last time I wore anything just for him, and I drew a blank. Bikinis in Puerto Rico were not for him. My wedding day lingerie consisted of an expensive strapless bra necessary for my dress and hot pink panties that secretly matched the rest of my accessories.

The truth is, I'm usually thinking a million things or one thing when I get dressed. Either I'm balancing the weather, the occasion, the necessary bra, the potential accessories, how long has it been since I wore this?, the adaptability, etc. to pick out my clothes OR I throw on the first thing that is clean and comfortable, which is why I end up wearing the same outfit two or three days in a row. 

I don't dress for the male gaze.

If objectification of women is wrong when we tie their worth to their fuckability, then objectification of women is wrong when we tie their worth to their purity, which is still their fuckability, just saved for after marriage. 

Conclusions: 

Women, you cannot control men's thoughts or their actions. ♥ A man's lust is not your sin. ♥ Modesty actually is a heart issue, so listen to your heart. ♥ Self-respect includes knowing yourself well enough to pick out your own clothes. ♥ God loves you for you, not for your appearance. 

And if you don't believe in God, your opinion of your appearance is the only one that matters.

2013: A Year of Boobs, Books, and Battling Sexism

I can't believe it's 2014 already. So much happened in my life in 2013, and this year will bring about even more changes. However, some things will stay the same. My love for my own boobs and my hatred for body-shaming. My love for books and my regret that I don't read enough. My love for feminism and my disgust of sexism.

Before we jump into everything 2014 has to offer, let's look back at my blog in 2013.

January

In January, I blogged four times. I don't have a favorite post from that month, but to date, My Boobs Have Nothing to Do with You has the third most page views of all time.

February

February doesn't really count because I took my blog offline. During this month, I got a new web design and my own custom domain. I rebranded my blog from Confessions of a Virgin to Finding My Virginity.

March

I somehow managed to blog nine times in March, which I think was a record for me at that point. I wrote a few really good posts that month, and I shared an anonymous guest post. The guest post, Stand Up, Take Action, has the fourth most page views of all time. As much as I love my post on men and sexual assault statistics, and my post on Christian feminism, my favorite post from the month explained my blog's new direction, in How I'm "Finding My Virginity."

April

I had TWO guest posts in April, and the overall unofficial theme for the month was consent. 

May

May was a little cray-cray, because I successfully completed the "Blog Every Day in May" challenge. Wow! My readers loved Misbehaving and Making History, a look at my favorite quote and why. But IMHO, my post on princess culture is one of the best posts I've ever written, Belle, the Disney Princess.

June

In June, I started my bikini series, several blog posts that criticized modesty culture overall and an anti-bikini blog post in particular. My Bikini Answer: I Am Not Cake was both my favorite post that month, and in my top ten most popular posts of all time. 

July

I continued my bikini series in July with My Bikini Answer: Sexual Attraction is Not Lust. Again, it was both my favorite post and y'all's favorite post, with the most page views that month and NINE reader comments, most of which were very long and engaging! 

August

August brought another bikini post (are you noticing a trend yet?), which again had the highest number of page views that month. Apparently I am not the only one who is against modesty culture and for bikini freedom. In My Bikini Answer: All Women Cannot Prevent the Lust of All Men, I pointed out the hypocrisy and sexism in asking women to cover up for the sake of men. But my favorite post that month was actually when I explained the Top 5 Reasons I am Not a Lifestyle Blogger.

September

I went off the grid for about ten days in September, to enjoy a houseboat vacation with Beau Vierge and his family in Tennessee. While I was gone, three of my friends guest-posted for me. I was pretty proud of my post Confessions of a (Future) Feminist Bride.

October

I was really busy in October, and my blog posts were slightly lazy. Real life happens, you know? But I ended the month on a high note, with 3 Easy Tips to be a Good Wife.

November

So... November was also busy, and I was also lazy. I did write one killer post that garnered a ton of comments. My reaction to the viral post on marriage is Actually, Marriage is for (Both of) You and examines some of the dangerous thinking in the original viral work.

December 

I worked really hard on my blog this month, which resulted in a ridiculous total of FIFTEEN blog posts. Gift Ideas for Busty Women quickly ended up in my top ten most popular posts of all time. My favorite post was my review of the December chapter in Rachel Held Evans' book, A Year of Biblical Womanhood. 

Gift Ideas for Busty Women

If you're anything like me, you have definitely not finished your Christmas shopping yet. Between you and me, I haven't even finalized my list! The silver lining is that I've purchased all of Beau's presents already!

Beau promises that he's already picked out my gifts, but I figure a few ideas for the future can't hurt. Besides, I can't be the only busty woman out there who wouldn't mind adding these presents to her wish list.

 

For your girlfriend/wife: I know sexy gifts are fun to give (and receive!), but busty women can't wear all lingerie styles. Instead of picking out a matching bra and panty set, or a lacy teddy, think about a loose nightie or sexy panties that match a plain black bra that she (hopefully) already has. Most busty women can't wear bras without trying them on first, and very few sexy sets come in our sizes. Teddies are built for more proportional women, so it's especially difficult for slim women with big boobs to wear. 

This red satin chemise doesn't have to fit a woman's breasts perfectly, and if the skirt part is a little loose, it will still be comfortable and flattering. Personally, I have three babydolls that I love because neither the bust nor the skirt need to fit perfectly.

For your daughter: Okay, so I'm slightly biased in this recommendation since my parents bought this for me as an early Christmas present when I was home for Thanksgiving. Beau and I have a beach vacation planned for this spring, so my mom bought me a nice new bathing suit for the occasion. If other parents are at all like mine, they worry about how much skin their daughters show at the beach or the pool. My mom finally realized that my body shape requires me to wear bikinis, however, so she's become very supportive (get it?) of me buying expensive, bra-style bikinis. At my favorite local bra boutique, I picked out this bandeau bikini by Cleo, and she happily bought it for me. If my fellow busty ladies are at all like me, then they don't have the money to buy a nice, well-fitting bathing suit that will last a good five years or more. I promise this gift will be well-received!

For your best friend: In the winter, scarves are accessories for everyone. Scarves also double as a cleavage-hiding accessory. I have definitely used scarves with my low-cut tops or dresses to hide my cleavage at work or at church. For the budget-conscious, Forever 21 has tons of cute, affordable styles, like this fun pink scarf. If your bestie loves Parisian style, you can't go wrong with a Pashmina. And if you live somewhere really cold like I do, check out all the hand-knit scarves on etsy!

Obviously I love all my Pashminas, all from Paris save one. The outlier is from Vienna.

Of course, some gifts are good for any busty woman in your life. I know gift certificates feel like a cop (a feel) out, but good bras, in correct sizes, are EXPENSIVE. Most of my bras are $50-70 each. Even just $15 to my favorite bra boutique would make a huge difference.

Another fun gift would be one of the Busty Girl Comics books. Paige "Rampaige" Halsey Warren created 300 comics, which are now available in three books. These collections are absolutely hilarious, and any busty woman would enjoy them.

I hope you found some shopping inspiration! If I am the busty woman in your life, email me for my mailing address. ;) I wouldn't say no to any of these presents!

Are you shopping for a busty woman this year? Are you a busty woman hoping to get any of these presents? Share your thoughts in the comments!

*None of these links are affiliate because I'm lazy and because I only do affiliate links for stuff I've tried out myself but mostly because I'm lazy.

My Bikini Answer: My Body Is Not Sinful

This will not be my last post on modesty, but it is my final post on bikinis. I wrote this while on vacation on a houseboat in Tennessee with Beau and his family. The delay in posting comes from technological issues, two jobs, a cold, and a last-minute attempt at intersectionality.

Tuesday night.

Beau sits on the stool next to me, studying for the Professional Engineering exam.

I'm not wearing a bra. It's not obvious with both a t-shirt and a sweatshirt on, but I'm sure if anyone in his family looked too closely earlier, with my sweatshirt discarded, they might have noticed the droopiness of my unsupported boobs or the pointiness of my uncovered nipples. 

My wardrobe thus far has been a steady rotation of three bikinis, two cover-ups, and comfy pjs completely stolen from Beau's wardrobe: Super Mario pj pants, a t-shirt from ThinkGeek, and a rotation of the three sweatshirts he packed for us to share this week.

According to the original bikini post, my "immodest" clothing choices this week cause the men around me to lust. 

The way we dress impacts those around us, especially guys. I don’t really want a guy to look at me and notice me for my butt, upper thighs, or chest. I’d rather him notice my smile or God-loving personality...

Girls are walking around all the time with barely any clothes on at the beach or pool! Guys can never get a break from it, even if they’re trying to see past all the bodies to find the smiles and personalities within the girls.

So really, how hard is it to not wear a bikini? If you’re like me, it might be a little disappointing. You also might have to save a little more babysitting money to buy a cute (yes, cute ones do exist) tankini or one piece. But honestly, a little disappointment and a little extra cash aren’t that hard to swallow. Especially when such things are to fulfill a God given responsibility. In his Theology of the Body, soon to be Saint John Paul II said, God has assigned as a duty to every man the dignity of every woman. He also assigns to every woman the dignity of every man. Let’s make a commitment this summer to ditch the skimpy swimsuits, earn self respect, and help our brothers in Christ.

But she, and other modesty advocates, actually say more than that.

According to them, when you read their words with a critical eye, my clothing does not cause lust--my body does. Just my revealed stomach--the main difference between a bikini and "modest" swimsuits--apparently causes lust. If a guy happens to notice my body before my personality, then he's lusting after me, and it's my fault for not covering up those curves. If my body can't be covered up to prevent lust, then my body is sinful.

I vehemently disagree.

My body is not sinful. My body cannot cause a man to lust. 

One of my favorite Bible verses is Genesis 1:27. 

So God created humankind in His image, in the image of God He created them; male and female He created them.

How can my body be sinful when I am made in God's own image?

Off the Grid

Tomorrow, Beau and I leave early early early for a nine-day vacation on a houseboat in a lake somewhere in Tennessee. 

Guess what houseboats don't have.

Wifi.

Guess what houseboats possibly don't have.

Cell signal and/or 3G.

Since I'll be totally off the grid for so long, I'm featuring guest posts on my blog next week. I was surprised and humbled at the immediate response when I tweeted my request for guest writers. Three amazing and very different women ended up sending me their work to share.

Just so you know when to check in, here's a quick intro to who all will be here and when.

Hayley is blogging about street harassment in Argentina tomorrow, September 7th.

Carolynn is blogging about sexual assault, victim-blaming, virginity, and marriage on September 10th.

Finally, Samantha is blogging about intimacy, healing, and marriage on September 13th.

Since I won't be promoting incessantly all over social media, since I'll be offline, I would love some tweets or facebook posts from my loyal readers... Just throwing that out there as a suggestion. 

When I get back, look forward to my last post on modesty and bikinis, as well as a guest post over at Betsy Transatlantically, who is letting me hang out on her blog this month for a slight fee.

I will miss my online life, but I'm very excited about a whole week to READ, and write, and snuggle with Beau, and work on my tan. I plan on immodestly wearing a bikini all week long. I've packed my favorite black and white one by Freya, along with two others. 

I also think this trip will be a good test of strength and patience... Did I mention we'll be on vacation with his parents and his oldest brother the whole time? Plus his other brother and sister-in-law for part of the trip, and several other people I haven't even met yet. So... it will be interesting.

But with books, bikinis, and booze, I think I'll be all right!

My Bikini Answer: All Women Cannot Prevent the Lust of All Men

I obviously have a lot of THOUGHTS and FEELINGS on bikinis and modesty. For now, however, I want to stick with criticizing the original piece that started this year’s modesty shitstorm. I realize that at this point, I’m writing two months after the original article. Sorry, y’all, but I am not paid to blog, and as much as I love writing, I love writing well even more, which means that it takes time to organize all my thoughts coherently.

I mentioned a shitstorm, right? Yeah, the evangelical and/or feminist blogosphere has gone crazy this summer (like it does every summer…) talking about bikinis and modesty. Although each voice is slightly different, on both sides of the argument, I see one common theme throughout the pro-modesty bloggers/commenters, one that is present in the original post.

So why don’t you just wear a bikini, you ask? Why? Because I am making a sacrifice for the guys around me. I’ve heard the excuse, Guys just have an imagination, it’s not a girl’s problem. Frankly, I think that’s stupid. Part of it is our problem. The way we dress impacts those around us, especially guys. I don’t really want a guy to look at me and notice me for my butt, upper thighs, or chest. I’d rather him notice my smile or God-loving personality. Well sure, you say, that’s all fine and good, but guys should be able to control their imagination and look beyond our bodies. That’s true, they should control it. But it’s important for girls to help them as they try and do so…

This is how I imagine it is for guys. Girls are walking around all the time with barely any clothes on at the beach or pool! Guys can never get a break from it, even if they’re trying to see past all the bodies to find the smiles and personalities within the girls.

So really, how hard is it to not wear a bikini? If you’re like me, it might be a little disappointing... Let’s make a commitment this summer to ditch the skimpy swimsuits, earn self respect, and help our brothers in Christ.

The original article never refers to scripture, but the comments and other blogs are all quick to quote Romans 14 as justification for women covering up their bodies. The overall message is: Yes, men are responsible for their own lust, but women need to help them out by covering up.

Seriously, if one more person tells me I’m a “stumbling block” for men, I’ll give up clothes forever and join a nudist colony.

Let’s examine Romans 14 together. The entire chapter is relevant, so you should pull that up in a separate window. I’m just going to quote the part that is popular on the Interwebz.

Romans 14: 20-21 (NRSV) 20 Do not, for the sake of food, destroy the work of God. Everything is indeed clean, but it is wrong for you to make others fall by what you eat; 21 it is good not to eat meat or drink wine or do anything that makes your brother or sister stumble.

One more common point by the pro-modesty crowd. Many of them offer the analogy of an alcoholic. Would you serve alcohol to your friend who’s a recovering alcoholic? No, because you don’t want to tempt him to sin, even if drinking alcohol isn’t sinful for you.

Should I give up champagne forever just in case I run into an alcoholic?

The original bikini post, the horrible misinterpretation of Romans 14, and the alcoholic analogy all share a fatal flaw:

A Month of Birthdays

My birthday month might be over, but I always find new occasions to celebrate! This weekend, Beau and I are in Denver for my second cousin's wedding (yesterday!) and for a big family party (today!) thrown by my first cousin once removed and his wife, aka the groom's parents. These are my French/American cousins, so happy Bastille Day!

I love my birthday. I love a celebration that's all about me, true, but it's more than that. I love taking the time to reflect on my growth in the previous year, to reminisce about fun and/or new experiences, to focus on my goals for the next year.

My birthday was June 8th, but I celebrated all month long, as I do... Highlights included:

Buying a rattan table and chairs for my apartment

Joyeux anniversaire à moi

My boyfriend and my besties coming over for a wine & cheese night

Going to a big city with my boyfriend for the weekend, my first time ever visiting this city

In this city, visiting several museums and the zoo

Yes, I love taking pictures with all the bronze statues. Especially silly pictures.

Just outside this city, seeing a community production of Shrek the Musical

In this city, going to a major league baseball game

Catching up (a little) on my reading

Going to my local Pride Festival

The Pride Festival included booths for several sex shops. I couldn't resist taking this photo.

Seeing a Broadway show on tour

Spending several mornings and afternoons in a bikini, at a pool, causing men to lust after me

The only bad part of my birthday was H proposing to his girlfriend the day before our birthday, aka stealing the spotlight away from me. That, and finding out that his girlfriend now fiancée had defriended me on facebook. That, and seeing that none of our mutual church camp friends bothered wishing me a happy birthday.

Sometimes, taking the high road and not telling all your mutual friends about exactly why you're not speaking to someone really SUCKS, because he's obviously told them all that I'm overreacting and that he's the victim in this situation. 

Other than that, my birthday month was PERFECT. My boyfriend spoiled me rotten with all sorts of lovely prezzies, like two humongous bags of gummy candy, and a bottle of Bordeaux, and a laptop cooling board, and a new set of wine glasses, and a new bikini, and something I'm not blogging about that's just between us. (Fine, I told Lauren and Hardy too. And my parents. But I'm not blogging about it).

My birthday month was perfect this year, but the boyfriend has already figured out a way to give me an even BETTER birthday month next year... Too bad y'all will have to wait until then to find out his plans for us.

My Bikini Answer: Sexual Attraction is not Lust

Beau is a very supportive boyfriend. Not only does he not mind me writing all about our love and non-sex sex life on the Internet, but he reads all of my blog posts faithfully. He then gives me feedback on my writing. Sometimes he points out the occasional typo, but mostly he just tells that me I'm a wonderful writer, and that he'll happily be a SAHD in the future when I'm a world-famous author. 

A few weeks ago, I wrote about going to the pool with Beau and my besties, Hardy and Lauren. Who love the nicknames I gave them, by the way. Beau read it while we were skyping, and then this conversation happened.

Beau: Well... I definitely noticed Lauren in a bikini.

Me: But you weren't lusting after her.

Beau: Uhh...

Me: Were you thinking of her as a sexual object who only existed for your pleasure?

Beau: No.

Me: You just noticed that my best friend is hot and looks good in a bikini?

Beau: Yes.

Me: That's not lust, babe. In fact, I think my next bikini post will be on the differences between attraction and lust.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Modesty culture does not distinguish between healthy, biological sexual attraction and unhealthy, objectifying lust. As usual, I am not the first to write about this, and I do want to acknowledge what else has already been eloquently stated on this topic. However, I also want to differentiate even further and consider appreciation, attraction, and lust as three distinct reactions to a bikini-clad body (or really, any "attractive" human being).

Appreciation: Good-looking people are not all identical. Obviously beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that, but even if you look at a sampling of Beautiful People, they are not all the same. Brad Pitt is conventionally attractive. So are Will Smith, Orlando Bloom, Patrick Dempsey, Ryan Gosling, etc. I look at all of these men and acknowledge they are Beautiful People. But I'm personally not attracted to all of them. They are not all My Type. I appreciate all their good looks, but I am not attracted to all their good looks. If you've ever told your best friend how hot she looks, or your younger brother how handsome he is (and you weren't lying to be nice), then you understand. You can appreciate someone's attractiveness without being attracted to that person. 

Just for the record, this is me with the majority of my female friends. (The majority of my male friends too, for that matter). Just because I'm attracted to women, and I think my female friends are attractive, does NOT mean I'm automatically attracted to all my female friends.

Sexual Attraction: When I see Will Smith or Orlando Bloom, I get these feelings. Physical feelings. And when I see Beau, especially when he's looking at me in that way, these physical feelings are like a tingling sensation all over my body, but especially in my lady bits. This is sexual attraction. It is a natural, biological response. In fact, it is a natural, God-given response. If we never felt sexual attraction, we wouldn't want to have sex. If we never had sex, we could never procreate. And God's most awesome creation would have ended at Adam and Eve.*

via

Lust: I am guilty of lust. Yes, women are capable of lust. When I go to tumblr and look at photo sets of Naya Rivera, which are often collections that focus just on her perfect tits or splendid ass, I am lusting after her. I am not seeing Naya Rivera as a talented, kind-hearted person worthy of dignity and respect.** I am looking at her body and thinking about how much I enjoy it. I am objectifying her. This is lust, and this is the sin God calls us to avoid.

My Bikini Answer: I Am Not Cake

Okay, so this is definitely turning into multiple posts. Consider the real-life story to be an intro to all the posts. Then each post will include some quotations from the original offensive text, some quotations of other commentary, and then my own thoughts.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

 
Y’all.

The CRAZIEST thing happened on Saturday. My besties Lauren and Hardy invited Beau and me to hang out at the pool with them. I wore a bikini. So did Lauren.

And nothing happened.

When Hardy hugged me hello, he didn’t suddenly lose control or grab my boobs or my butt. When Beau hugged Lauren hello, he didn’t suddenly lust after her or treat her like a sex object. And when Lauren and I hugged hello, not a single guy whipped out a dick to start an orgy.

It’s almost as though Hardy and Beau (and the other dudes who were at the pool) are human beings, not animals, who are capable of seeing women in skimpy clothing without immediately needing to be sexual with them. In fact, they’re capable of TOUCHING women in skimpy clothing without that touch or their thoughts turning sexual.

So I guess it’s not so much that the craziest thing happened on Saturday, but that it’s totally crazy that nothing happened.

Or at least, that’s what the author of the viral post “The Bikini Question” would have you believe. Apparently all men are visual creatures who are incited to lust by a woman’s body. Apparently all women should wear one-piece bathing suits… no, wait, apparently we should all wear shirts and shorts over our bathing suits… But wait, I’ve been complimented on my legs before, and my hair, and the tattoo on my foot… Does that mean I should go swimming in a burqa? If women have to dress a certain way to keep men from lusting after them, that’s the logical conclusion… right?

Those paragraphs were a nice combination of hyperbole and sarcasm, just in case y’all didn’t catch on to that.