Two years and one day ago, I styled my hair a new way.
Today I twist my hair up like that several times a week.
Two years and one day ago, I wore a new black dress with
purple flowers.
Today that dress is too big for me, but it hangs in my
closet for curvier days ahead.
Two years ago, I had my shared apartment to myself because
Lauren was out of town.
Today Lauren and I have our own apartments down the street
from each other.
Two years ago, I drank 3-4 cans of Diet Coke with Lime a
day.
Today I drink 3-4 cans of Diet Coke, sometimes with Lime, a
week.
One year and one day ago, I said good-bye to my family in
the South and moved to the Midwest.
Today I’ve lived in the same city, without interruption, for
the longest amount of time since graduating high school.*
One year ago, I wrote the scariest post I’d ever written.
Today I take the first step to losing my anonymity.**
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| Taking selfies without showing my face is HARD, y'all! |
My reasons for anonymity are legit. I think wanting to
discuss sensitive topics like sex and sexuality with complete honesty is
difficult without anonymity. I mostly read lifestyle blogs, and y’all don’t
talk about sex. Like, ever. Which is totally fine and your prerogative and I
respect that decision completely, because sex is personal. But I can’t talk
about virginity without talking about sex, and I don’t know if I could have
maintained this blog for the last two years if my parents, former professors,
colleagues, etc. had been reading it.
But anonymity is tiring. I think twice before I tweet about
what I’m doing. Does this refer to my location? I crop all my photos. How much
of my face can I reveal before it identifies me too much? I have to keep track
of pseudonyms for every single person in my life. I was hanging out with Hardy
and Lauren, and damn it, where’s my list of best friends? What do I call…
James, that’s it. I call him James.
And I write and write and write. I tweet and tweet and
tweet. I comment everywhere. I buy ads on other blogs. I’m myself. I’m
authentic. I paid for a blog design. I do all that stuff I’m supposed to do to
build blog traffic, and it’s not enough.
Because the people who know me IRL aren’t allowed to post my
blog to facebook, or link it to any mutual friends. Because I can’t ask my
friends and family to like my facebook page.
Because the network I have who comment all over my personal
facebook wall, who send me links to articles on sexual assault and modesty
culture and France and women’s history, who email me to thank me for the work I
do, who ask me if I blog, who share all over the place the tiny handful of
public writing I do…
They have no idea Belle Vierge exists. Or if they’ve
stumbled across her (this happened once), they don’t realize Belle is me.
But as much as I want to shed my cloak of anonymity and
shout to the rooftops that I’m happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same
time, I’m not there yet.
I don’t really think my parents should find out I’m bisexual
via a blog post, nor do I think it’s right or fair to attach H’s name to his assholery. And those of you who do know me IRL, and those of you who I met here
who have discovered my real name, I think y’all will agree that my first name
is unique. Unique enough that fear of discovery by future potential employers
is a legitimate concern.
Seriously, if you google my first and last name, you find
results for three people. That’s it. I share my name with a lawyer and with a
photographer. Also my firstnamelastname.com domain name has already been taken,
alas.
I’ve spent a lot of time over the last few weeks thinking
about this post. Planning what I would write. And I should note, for the
record, that I’m writing this the actual evening of July 30, 2013, still torn
on what to reveal of myself while still allowing the freedom to be myself.
I realized I’m not so worried about people finding my blog
and realizing it’s me as I am people knowing who I am, looking me up online,
and discovering my blog. The first involves searching for certain qualities and
associating them with me. The latter is only knowing me or my name and suddenly
discovering some rather strong opinions and personal information.
So here are some things
I never directly mentioned before.
