Extended Thoughts on Coitus and Consent

Tonight I joined director Therese Shechter for a Q&A following a screening of her kickass documentary How to Lose Your Virginity. As is often true when I answer questions regarding my thoughts on sex, virginity, and everything in-between, I always wish I could have said more. But we had limited time, and I didn't want to drone on and on with my Christian feminist bisexual former virgin wisdom. 

Luckily I have a blog, so I can expand upon a few of my points!

Healthy, Consensual Sexual Relationships

As is probably apparent in my blog, promoting consent is my feminist passion. A discussion about what is sex, what is virginity, how do I define my sexual relationships is irrelevant without first establishing consent. Consent is necessary for every step in a sexual relationship (and as I've discussed before, nonverbal consent counts), from kissing to sexy touching all the way to coitus or kink.

But the conversations that Therese and I hope to inspire regarding attitudes of the female body and female sexuality also include consent. By challenging the idea that a woman's body is not her own, that her sexuality is nonexistent, we also promote the idea that a woman must consent to sex. When women have sexual agency, consent becomes a necessary part of the conversation. 

While male virginity is not the focus on the documentary, it is an important topic under the conversation about masculinity. When masculinity is no longer tied to sexual prowess, they will be more free to pursue healthy, consensual sexual relationships.

Self-Labels and the Limitations of Language

I think it's very important to accept labels that people choose for themselves. That said, we should choose our labels carefully, and we should also acknowledge how limited they are. Prior to marriage, I used the label "virgin" to describe myself, primarily because I placed value on my decision to save coitus for marriage. Once I discovered the French phrase "demi-vièrge," I preferred to use it. 

But whatever labels work for you or for me, one label doesn't provide moral superiority. My sexual choices are NOT tied into my goodness as a person, my integrity, or my morality. (Except for the choice to ONLY engage in consensual sexual activities, obviously).

Multiple Virginities 

What's great about changing the conversation regarding virginity is the acknowledgement of all sexual milestones. Especially for LGBTQ+ people.

I married my first boyfriend. I never had a chance to have sex with a woman. In a way, I will always be demi-vièrge, because I've never had any sort of sex, by any definition (except French-kissing), with a woman. 

I know I haven't blogged much about being bisexual. It's honestly something that I'm still working through myself, especially since I'm not out to my family, Beau's family, and most of my friends. 

But my attraction to women is important to me. It is part of who I am. 

The decision to be in a monogamous relationship with Beau is important to me. Our marriage is part of who we are. 

So while demi-vièrge is an imperfect label, it continues to reflect my sexuality and my sexual choices. 

What do you want to add to the conversation about sex and virginity?

Yet Another Virgin Casting Call--Too Bad I'm No Longer a Virgin!

So apparently I'm the go-to person for virgin documentaries and reality TV shows. Alas, since I'm an old married lady and all, I no longer qualify for casting calls for virgin productions. 

But if YOU are a virgin, and you are interested in a weekend-long intimacy retreat, then keep reading!

Qualifications:

• You are part of a couple in a committed long-term relationship
• You and/or your partner is a virgin
• You have not yet consummated your relationship
• You are both Americans

Each couple will have the opportunity to go on a weekend-long, all expenses paid, intimacy retreat with world renowned Christian relationship experts who will help you and your significant other work together on your journey. Whether you have chosen abstinence for spiritual, medical, or emotional reasons, we will work with two committed people who are interested in taking the next steps in their relationship. 

The goal of this retreat and the ultimate series is to build a strong foundation as each couple embarks on a new and exciting chapter. If you would like the chance to work with the best sexual therapists in the country to enhance your emotional and physical life with your partner, this opportunity is for you.

For more information, or to talk to a casting director, email RelationshipRetreatCasting@gmail.com 

There are no guarantees that this will be half as good as the documentary How to Lose Your Virginity, but who isn't interested in a free romantic weekend retreat?

First Week of Sex & Marriage, After 2 1/2 Years of Love!

It's hard to believe that Beau and I have already been married a week! We have been overwhelmed at the outpouring of love and support not just from our friends and family in person, but from the online community we have discovered in the last 2 1/2 years.

Since I haven't spent the last five months sharing our wedding planning details, y'all can look forward to at least a few months of scattered posts on the proposal, our engagement, the wedding, and our receptions! (Yes, receptions, plural--I hope y'all didn't expect us to celebrate our marriage normally). 

Not to mention that with our week in Puerto Rico, I have quite a few travel posts planned as well. Our honeymoon has been AWESOME so far!

Colorful buildings in Old San Juan

We've also already done a follow-up interview with Therese Schechter, director of How to Lose Your Virginity. Clearly all our "fans" who saw us in the documentary are dying to know about MARRIED SEX! Keep your eyes peeled for that video, coming soon!

But getting married and having coitus for the first time is bigger than all the blog posts I have planned. I am deliriously happy and head-over-heels in love with Beau. Making our wedding vows in front of our families and God was such a beautiful, intimate moment, a formal recognition of how our relationship has grown over the years. Then allowing our bodies to entwine as one, in a way neither of us had ever experienced before, was just... perfect. Beau and I are both so glad to have made the sexual choices we did.

Since I am on my honeymoon, and Beau is in bed next to me, looking as cute and snuggly as ever, I think it's time to cut this blog post short.

MARRIED!

P.S. On Thursday, we discovered a very mutually-pleasurable position, and our second time in that position, we even had near-simultaneous orgasms! So, yeah, obviously I'll be blogging about that in the near-future too.

Post-coital pillow talk includes my analysis of the feminist ramifications of the life-changing sex we just had.
— Belle Femme (@SaBelleFemme) March 27, 2014

For the Woman I Used to Be

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G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S in Miami

A week ago, I was in Miami, spending two nights in a glamorous hotel, riding in the backseat of a Lincoln Town car, allowing valets and drivers to open all doors for me, enjoying the handiwork of the three stylists who did my hair and make-up, taking selfies with my bestie and sorority sister of eight years who doubled as my entourage.

Fancy hotel pool! Unfortunately, we got kicked out. It's not officially open yet, alas.

I'm pretty sure I hashtagged everything on twitter and instagram as #fancy, because seriously, it was the only word to describe my surroundings.

The fancy tissue flower in the fancy bathroom in the fancy hotel.

The Fusion Network, a new TV channel that launched in October 2013, was my host for the trip. They wanted me to come on their shows Alicia Menendez Tonight and Documental to talk about the documentary How to Lose Your Virginity, which includes an interview with Beau and me.

Getting my hair straightened before filming Alicia Menendez Tonight.

I was in Miami less than 48 hours. While I enjoyed the royal treatment, it was an exhausting trip. I only slept five hours both Thursday and Friday night, so I was pretty happy to sleep on the plane home Saturday morning. 

As beautiful as I looked with professional hair and make-up, I remembered Friday night that the glam life is not for me. It's fun for a day or two, but at the end of the day, that's not who I am.

Fancy hair and makeup!

Two towelettes to remove all the make-up Friday night.

I'm a curly-haired, bare-faced, hoodie and jeans kind of woman.

And that's okay.

Beau likes to take surprise pictures of me at the zoo.

Casting Call for Virgins. I'm Not Kidding.

So I just received an email from a casting agency looking for virgins for a new documentary for MTV.

At first I thought it was a scam. I mean... really? MTV is interested in the lives of virgins?

So I googled the domain of the dude's email address. 

It looks legit.

I have two thoughts in regards to this.

1) I like that virginity is being discussed more often in pop culture, especially outside of Purity Culture and outside of the "desperate to lose it" genre.

2) Do I think MTV will manage to pull off a documentary that doesn't exploit its participants?

Uhh...

Reality TV isn't real. A documentary like this will probably not be all that sensitive. 

But the decision to participate or not isn't up to me. 

It's up to you. You being a virgin who meets the show's requirements.

So I've copied and pasted the relevant info below, just in case you want to be the next Reality TV Star.

No judging here. I would totally win Big Brother if I got on that show.

Also let's not forget that Beau and I are already in an awesome documentary on virginity, How to Lose Your Virginity. 

-------------------------------------------------

Are you a VIRGIN?

For the first time, a completely honest show… about being a virgin.

MTV is now casting individuals who have not had sex – either by choice or circumstance - in a documentary-style show that will follow you on your experiences and life as a virgin.

We’re looking outgoing, expressive and passionate young adults who appear to be between the ages of 18-24 from all over to document the pressures, struggles, and benefits of being a virgin in America today.

Whether you plan to remain a virgin until marriage, or are just waiting for the right person; whether you’re motivated by a personal or religious commitment to purity, or you’re comfortable with some sexuality... but haven’t gone all the way; whether you feel pressure to keep your virginity, or to lose it as fast as possible – we want to hear from you.

If you’re a virgin and feel like your story MUST be told, we want to hear from you ASAP!

To submit, please provide the following to

mtvdoc@lescasting.com

NOTE: PARTICIPANTS MUST BE AT LEAST 18 YEARS OF AGE

- Name & Age (Participants must be 18 years of age.)

- Contact Number(s)

- E-mail Address & Facebook

- Attach two RECENT photos of yourself.

- Briefly tell us about your day-to-day life and your story as a virgin.

Other Virgin Blogs Exist... I'm Not Alone!

Hell to the yeah, started and finished this Monday night. I'm trying to get ahead whenever I have the chance so when I'm with Beau, I can focus on him alone.

I broke the rules once and blogged about all my favorite blogs, instead of just one.

I'm breaking the rules again and blogging about my two favorite virginity blogs, instead of my five favorite blogs. Because I already did that when I broke the rules earlier this month.

If you ever can't find this post, but you desperately need to read blogs on virginity, these are all linked underneath "The Library: Belle's Books and Reader Resources."

Let's start with the most important, which is also the first virginity blog I started reading. How to Lose Your Virginity is an upcoming documentary about, well, virginity, directed by the award-winning Therese Shechter. Beau and I will actually be starring in it. I hear we're on the cover of all the movie posters. Our agents are talking to Therese about a spin-off sequel, Belle and Beau Lose Their Virginity.

The Sexiest Virgins Alive

Twitterverse is obsessed with Mean Girls. The world stops whenever it's on television, and I'm pretty sure all women aged 18 to 25 spontaneously orgasmed when Mean Girls finally became available on Netflix.

Sorry, that was a gender generalization, which I normally try really hard not to make.

Via nicomillionaire.tumblr.com

But as much as I see anons tweeting quotations from Mean Girls, I rarely see much discussion about what we can learn from the movie.

The definition of sex has become rather broad and often confusing in today's American culture. Even this asshole our former president doesn't seem to get it.

So what is sex? What is virginity? Does a definition even matter?

Well, no.

But our society is obsessed with it, and as a self-proclaimed virgin who blogs about sex, virginity, and everything in-between, I'm not exactly helping de-emphasize the "importance" of the distinction.

But I AM provoking discussion and sparking debate and challenging preconceived notions of virgins.

Any Virgins in the UK? Exciting Opportunity!

So.

I know my last few posts have been pretty heavy. No sexy stories, no clever comments, no lighthearted laughs.

Sexual assault and consent are topics that leave me really emotional. I cried while writing my last two posts. I cried while talking about them with the boyfriend. I cried when I read the responses I received in confidence.

But this post is about something exciting!!! instead of something enlightening yet depressing.

Although this post is more exclusive than normal. I'm sorry.

I have a very special announcement for my readers in the United Kingdom!!! Particularly any virgin readers!

A few weeks ago, I received an email from Farrah Jaufuraully on behalf of Zig Zag Productions, an independent production company in London.

(For all my non-UK readers, don't worry. I totally stalked their website, and it's definitely legit).

Farrah is working on a new documentary, one that explores the process towards sexual maturity. An observational documentary (aka NOT like TLC's judgmental reality show The Virgin Diaries). To do this, the show needs British volunteers who have struggled with sex for years, possibly due to feeling shy and awkward around the opposite sex. The documentary would follow one British man and one British woman as they go through clinical and surrogate partner therapy.*

Did I mention the therapy is free? Yup.

From Farrah's email:

We’d like our contributors to be involved with one-on-one work with a consulting therapist and a surrogate partner as well as being tasked with trying out what they have learnt – from conducting themselves with confidence, to engaging strangers in conversation, to publically displaying affection with a coach.

So, if you're interested, or you know someone who might be interested, feel free to email me at virginconfessions20s@gmail.com or Farrah directly at farrah.jaufuraully@zigzag.uk.com. You can also call Farrah at 020 7017 8755.

Obviously, all inquiries will be handled in complete confidence. I mean, y'all have NO idea how many virgins have “come out” to me, so to speak, privately via twitter DMs or email. ;) I'm a total pro at keeping my readers' secrets.

*Confession: I had to google this. Click on the link for more information.