Let's Talk About (Married) Sex, Baby!

Beau and I have been married almost nine months already. It feels like we've been married forever, but our wedding also feels like just yesterday.

Married sex has been great. I'm a huge fan of coitus!

I've definitely learned a few things, though, that no one tells you when you're saving sex for marriage. 

Dry spells are normal and okay.

When you save sex for marriage, regardless if you save coitus like we did or save all sexual activity for marriage, the common narrative is that married sex will be very frequent. At the very least, it will be frequent prior to kids.

No one talks about dry spells. 

No one even defines dry spells.

For Beau and me, a dry spell is going more than 8 or 9 days without sex. We usually have coitus at least once a week. Due to recent travel and illness, we just had our longest dry spell of about two weeks. And that's okay! It's not ideal, but it's okay. It's not indicative of a problem in our relationship. It's not a permanent status. It's a dry spell, and we got over it.

For other couples, sex frequency will vary greatly. A dry spell might be a month without sex, or it might be more than 3 days without sex.

Engaging in premarital sexual activity doesn't diminish how special married sex can be.

Obviously, Beau and I saved coitus for marriage, but we engaged in other premarital sexual activity. I believe sexual purity is bullshit, but most people waiting for marriage think it has some sort of merit.

Every time Beau and I have coitus, I'm amazed that we're married and having married sex. Even though we did fun naked stuff prior to marriage, it doesn't make our married sex life less special. Even when we don't have coitus, and we do the non-sex sex like before, it's still different because this time, we're married. 

Sometimes seduction isn't necessary.

Yeah, it's nice when Beau wakes me up on a Saturday morning with sexy cuddles, rubbing my back and playing with my hair. It's nice when we take a hot bath together with wine or hot tea and exchange massages. 

But sometimes I'm like, "Hey, wanna have sex?" And he's like, "Okay." We strip down and hop into bed and start making out. 

There's definitely more that we've learned together, but these three points are things I noticed missing in conversations about saving sex for marriage. 

If you're married, what surprised you about your sex life? Leave me a comment!

Honesty is Not an Ultimatum

This is fast and disorganized because I'm tired, but I'm inspired by two recent Internet interactions.

The first is this relationship thread on Reddit. Basically, a young couple has been together for 3+ years and discussed marriage. The dude told his girlfriend he wants to get engaged/married later than they'd originally planned. She responds that if their engagement/marriage timeline changed, it would hurt her feelings.

He described that as an ultimatum.

What.
The.
Fuck.

It's an ultimatum to tell a person that if they make a big, unexpected decision that changes your life, you're going to have feelings about it?!

No, it's not. That's called honesty. That's called communication.

The second is a comment reply I received. I commented (under my real name) on a blog post about women burning out from trying to do everything. It was pretty standard stuff about asking for help and learning to say no. So I commented that I'm pretty good about saying no unless Beau wants us to attend something as a couple. Basically his family (especially lately) invites us to do stuff with them all the time, often at the last minute. Our friends also invite us to parties and dinners and happy hours and whatnot. 

I said that occasionally I'll tell Beau that we can go to whatever social event he wants to attend in a weekend, but then I won't have time for sex that weekend.

It's really not that difficult to understand. In a typical weekend, we already have at least one thing on the calendar from well in advance, whether it be a party or a play or whatever. Then I need time to blog, especially if it's a weekend before or after a particularly demanding weekend. I also need time to do stuff around the house, like laundry. Add in time for daily chores (cooking, dishes), a proper amount of sleep, and sex, and the weekend is pretty full. If Beau then receives a last-minute invitation for the two of us, something has to give for us to go.

I want to be a writer. Blogging is not a hobby. I have one paid column already. My eventual goal is to quit my current job and be a full-time freelance writer. I cannot do that if I'm not writing at LEAST 3-4 days a week. My blog will not grow if I do not spend at LEAST 7 hours a week promoting it. I usually write every single day, and I usually promote 10 hours a week. I devote 20+ hours a week to my blog. I will make money from it one day, but only if I work my ass off on it.

So no, not blogging is not an option.

I also need freakish amounts of sleep. Giving up sleep is not an option.

So yeah, if Beau's family invites us to do something (which will inevitably take 3-7 hours of my day, easily) on the weekend at the last minute, then sex is not happening.

That's not an ultimatum. That's being honest with my time and my priorities, but it's also asking Beau to be accountable for his time and his priorities. 

I'm so sick of the narrative that accuses women of making ultimatums. 

Ultimatums are a two-way street. Is me saying, "We can have dinner with your parents, but then we can't have sex this weekend," an ultimatum? 

Then how would you describe the opposite, that is, "I want us to have dinner with my parents, and I want to have sex with you, so you have to give up something important to you because my needs are more important than yours."

(I hope it goes without saying that Beau is always totally understanding when I give him choices about sex, or when I tell him the parameters necessary for sex to happen).

So can we stop with the sexist bullshit assumption that anytime a woman gives a man a choice, she's giving him an ultimatum?

Virgin Myths: Popping Her Cherry?

I am so incredibly glad that I started blogging about virginity more than three years ago. I started writing about virginity because I wanted to share my story as an intentional virgin, to clear up some misconceptions about virgins, and to let other virgins know they weren't alone. 

But part of my writing process has been a learning process. And if I hadn't spent the last three years reading everything I possibly could about virginity, I might not have discovered one very important fact:

Penetrative sex, or PIV sex, or coitus, is not supposed to hurt. Even the first time a person's vagina experiences penetration (commonly referred to as virginity loss) is not supposed to hurt. 

There is no "cherry popping." 

The hymen (vaginal corona) doesn't break.

If I hadn't spent so much time reading up on virginity and first-time coitus, I would have just accepted the cultural narrative that my wedding day sex would be painful. Instead, I was able to prepare for the first time Beau and I had coitus, to guarantee that our married sex would be awesome (or at least pain-free) the first time. 

If a woman* bleeds or experiences pain during intercourse, one of three issues are at play.

1) She is not properly aroused
2) Her partner is too forceful
3) She has vaginismus

"Vaginismus is vaginal tightness causing discomfort, burning, pain, penetration problems, or complete inability to have intercourse."

I've never had problems using tampons, and I did have that one visit at Planned Parenthood several years ago, so I was pretty sure I didn't have vaginismus. Beau and I focused on the other potential causes for pain in order to avoid it. Long story short, we used lots of lube, and I was on top so I could control both the angle and speed of entry.

So coital virgins, listen up! You are not supposed to experience pain during penetration. Your partner is not supposed to experience pain during penetration. Whenever you decide to engage in coitus for the first time, whether it's a one-night stand or your wedding night, be prepared! Take things slowly, enjoy other fun things first like kissing and touching, and use lots of lube. 

Are women supposed to bleed the first time they have intercourse?

NOPE!

MYTH POPPED! 

I know this post was a little on the technical side. Posts explaining my feelings about wedding day sex, and describing more in detail what toys helped us prepare for it, are coming up.

*I refer to women here because the cultural narrative is about cisgender women with vaginas. I know that transgender men can have vaginas too.

Using Sex Addiction as a Motive for Sex: A Guest Post

The following is a guest post by Saint Jude Retreats, a non-12 step non-treatment alternative to traditional drug and alcohol rehab. The program concentrates on self-directed positive neuroplastic change and positive self-change as an alternative to traditional alcohol and drug treatment. 

Are you currently in a relationship and thinking about having sex for the first time? Determining when you’re truly ready to lose your virginity or sleep with a new partner for the first time can be stressful. Various thoughts may race through your head such as, “Will I be good?”, “Is he more experienced than I?”, “Is it time?”, “Am I ready for all this?” The situation can be further complicated if the other person is putting pressure on you to engage in sex before you’re ready to do so.

Some men or women use tactics to make sex sound more appealing to an apprehensive partner, including substances like drugs and alcohol. You may have dated a guy that has given you every line in the book to try to convince you that you’re ready. I once dated a man who proclaimed that he was a sex addict. He had shared this with me after I continued to say no to him time after time. I’m not sure if he was truly “addicted to sex” or it was just another manipulation tactic to try to get me to sleep with him. The comments didn’t stop there either. He eventually started to make me feel bad for him. He explained that his sexual desires and compulsions were out of his control and he couldn’t help but want to engage in sexual behaviors. More importantly, he told me he couldn’t be with me unless I gave into his frequent compulsions.

After a few weeks of going back and forth with him, I began investigating the topic of sex addiction because, while I truly did enjoy dating him, it was hard for me to move beyond the constant pressure to engage in something I wasn’t really ready for.

So what did I discover? Unfortunately not much that could justify his claims. I couldn’t find a general consensus that sex addiction was truly a disease. In fact, I learned that medical doctors and psychologists find it hard to link sex addiction to any sort of disease or disorder. This is largely due to the fact that scientific studies fail to prove the addiction theory which is regularly used by treatment centers for alcoholism or drug cases.[1] The addiction theory promotes powerlessness of emotions and behaviors and this simply can’t be linked to sex addiction.[1]

As of 2014, sex addiction does not meet the requirements to be added to the official list of psychiatric disorders determined by the American Psychiatric Association. [2]  Like most “addictions,” it seems that sex addiction is a behavior that was linked to a high sexual desire. After reading study after study, I came to the conclusion that sex was something that made him happy and he liked doing. In some instances, he was using sex as a way to become happier in areas of his life that he was lacking in or unhappy with. That was his way of dealing, but not something that I could compromise my life for.

Ultimately our relationship did not last due to the fact that I was not ready to have sex with him at the level and frequency he wanted. He was a kind person but that wasn’t going to change my mind. However, I used this experience as a life lesson. I learned that my body is sacred and I’m not going to compromise my feelings, integrity, or beliefs for anyone, even if they make me feel guilty or sorry for them. The relationship taught me a true lesson in consensual sex which I try to pass on to as many women as possible. If you aren’t ready for sex, regardless if you’re a virgin or not, you have to right and the power to say no. Moving forward, you will be happier that you waited for a man that respects you wholly and finds you irresistible because you stayed true to who you are.

Sources:

[1]Grubbs, J., Exline, J., Pargament, K., Hook, J., & Carlisle, R. (2014). "Transgression as Addiction: Religiosity and Moral Disapproval as Predictors of Perceived Addiction to Pornography". Archives of Sexual Behavior. online first. doi:10.1007/s10508-013-0257-z.

[2]Gonzalez, R. (2013, July 24). New study suggests sexual addiction is not actually an addiction. Retrieved from http://io9.com/new-study-suggests-sexual-addiction-is-not-actually-an-899234975

First Week of Sex & Marriage, After 2 1/2 Years of Love!

It's hard to believe that Beau and I have already been married a week! We have been overwhelmed at the outpouring of love and support not just from our friends and family in person, but from the online community we have discovered in the last 2 1/2 years.

Since I haven't spent the last five months sharing our wedding planning details, y'all can look forward to at least a few months of scattered posts on the proposal, our engagement, the wedding, and our receptions! (Yes, receptions, plural--I hope y'all didn't expect us to celebrate our marriage normally). 

Not to mention that with our week in Puerto Rico, I have quite a few travel posts planned as well. Our honeymoon has been AWESOME so far!

Colorful buildings in Old San Juan

We've also already done a follow-up interview with Therese Schechter, director of How to Lose Your Virginity. Clearly all our "fans" who saw us in the documentary are dying to know about MARRIED SEX! Keep your eyes peeled for that video, coming soon!

But getting married and having coitus for the first time is bigger than all the blog posts I have planned. I am deliriously happy and head-over-heels in love with Beau. Making our wedding vows in front of our families and God was such a beautiful, intimate moment, a formal recognition of how our relationship has grown over the years. Then allowing our bodies to entwine as one, in a way neither of us had ever experienced before, was just... perfect. Beau and I are both so glad to have made the sexual choices we did.

Since I am on my honeymoon, and Beau is in bed next to me, looking as cute and snuggly as ever, I think it's time to cut this blog post short.

MARRIED!

P.S. On Thursday, we discovered a very mutually-pleasurable position, and our second time in that position, we even had near-simultaneous orgasms! So, yeah, obviously I'll be blogging about that in the near-future too.

Post-coital pillow talk includes my analysis of the feminist ramifications of the life-changing sex we just had.
— Belle Femme (@SaBelleFemme) March 27, 2014

Mexican Urbanite Catholic Virgin: A Guest Post

Tina Matilde blogs at piedras y chuparosas, mostly about herself, or music, or something empowering to the female spirit. Basically, she’s a Christian feminist after my own heart! She’s not a fan of capital letters—she thinks they’re oppressive—so I’m making an exception for to my otherwise perfect grammar and punctuation for her post! She is in Round 2 of graduate school hoping to integrate spirituality into trauma healing, learning to meditate, and spending way too much time on Instagram. You can also find her on Twitter as @tinamatilde. 

Trigger Warning


i have always been a bit of a procrastinator, never in a rush to do anything, well certain regards, a bit of a late bloomer. it’s at my core, i stayed in the womb an extra month, why not right? no, this post isn’t about taking your time, at least not entirely. as a 27-year-old virgin living in an urban city, finding Belle’s blog was a Godsend. to be honest, i’ve been questioning why i even decided to contact Belle. i’m in the midst of a difficult healing process. i was sexually molested as a young child and assaulted more than just a few times while growing up. last year, i got brave and dated a lot, at least for me, and although the guys were nice, those relationships didn’t last too long. i just wasn’t ready to take THAT step. and so he, or i, or we both decided to end the relationship, however short-lived. i’ve been completely single for about 6 months now and absolutely not ready to get into a relationship. i guess i’m just trying to accept it. after the longest introduction ever, what did i tell Belle that i wanted to talk about? it was the intersection of culture and her theme of “Love, Sex and Marriage.” so here goes my take on all of that.

via

growing up in a traditionally mexican household, where you were to be seen and not heard, do as you’re told, be a good girl and a good catholic. yeah, no pressure. that wasn’t the point, at least not growing up. i was naïve and just accepted it. as i got older, it, remaining a virgin until i got married was something i embraced. i thought of it as a beautiful thing. it would be evidence as to how much i was loved and valued as a person rather than what was in between my legs. here’s the thing—i still am remaining a virgin, just for different reasons.

i was in college when i decided that i would remain a virgin until i got married. if anyone asked, i never said i was "saving myself." i called it “celibacy” simply because i didn't want a lot of questions. i was involved in progressive student activism where it was all about empowerment. choosing to be a virgin until i got married for religious, cultural or personal reasons simply meant i was “oppressed.” what made me feel oppressed was feeling that i didn’t have a choice in the matter. i absolutely believe that a woman’s worth is defined by more than whether she chooses to have sex or how much or what she chooses to engage in sexually. there is strength in choice.

choice is something that can so easily be taken away from you. i’ve been close, and that’s what has scared me. to be honest, i do question whether my choice is primarily due to the pressures of my faith tradition or culture, but when it comes down to it, it’s MY choice because its what’s right for me. regardless of how many times my friends explain in disbelief how i just need to wait for that magical guy and that magical night instead of offering their support for my choice or many times my mother tells me “cuida tu floresita” “take care of your little flower” i continue to push to remind myself that no matter what happens i have to do what is right for me and if my partner loves and respects me, he’ll wait until i’m ready, ring or no ring until this late bloomer is ready to offer him her great big catholic mexican urbanite virginity.