I am so incredibly glad that I started blogging about virginity more than three years ago. I started writing about virginity because I wanted to share my story as an intentional virgin, to clear up some misconceptions about virgins, and to let other virgins know they weren't alone.
But part of my writing process has been a learning process. And if I hadn't spent the last three years reading everything I possibly could about virginity, I might not have discovered one very important fact:
Penetrative sex, or PIV sex, or coitus, is not supposed to hurt. Even the first time a person's vagina experiences penetration (commonly referred to as virginity loss) is not supposed to hurt.
There is no "cherry popping."
The hymen (vaginal corona) doesn't break.
If I hadn't spent so much time reading up on virginity and first-time coitus, I would have just accepted the cultural narrative that my wedding day sex would be painful. Instead, I was able to prepare for the first time Beau and I had coitus, to guarantee that our married sex would be awesome (or at least pain-free) the first time.
If a woman* bleeds or experiences pain during intercourse, one of three issues are at play.
1) She is not properly aroused
2) Her partner is too forceful
3) She has vaginismus
"Vaginismus is vaginal tightness causing discomfort, burning, pain,
penetration problems, or complete inability to have intercourse."
I've never had problems using tampons, and I did have that one visit at Planned Parenthood several years ago, so I was pretty sure I didn't have vaginismus. Beau and I focused on the other potential causes for pain in order to avoid it. Long story short, we used lots of lube, and I was on top so I could control both the angle and speed of entry.
So coital virgins, listen up! You are not supposed to experience pain during penetration. Your partner is not supposed to experience pain during penetration. Whenever you decide to engage in coitus for the first time, whether it's a one-night stand or your wedding night, be prepared! Take things slowly, enjoy other fun things first like kissing and touching, and use lots of lube.
Are women supposed to bleed the first time they have intercourse?
NOPE!
MYTH POPPED!
I know this post was a little on the technical side. Posts explaining my feelings about wedding day sex, and describing more in detail what toys helped us prepare for it, are coming up.
*I refer to women here because the cultural narrative is about cisgender women with vaginas. I know that transgender men can have vaginas too.
This is definitely one of the pernicious myths - particularly if the guy is expecting the girl to bleed to prove her "purity."
ReplyDeleteWhile first time intercourse (particularly if it is a first time for both) isn't necessarily mind-blowingly good - a sense of humor helps - there is no reason it shouldn't be pleasant for both. A guy who doesn't aim for this isn't a good lover.
I took the time in preparation for our first time to study up a bit, and thus neither of us went into it with fear. There was no pain - just a whole lot of fun.
I fully intend to teach my kids - male and female - about this subject, and encourage them to take the time to be good lovers. After all, he (or she) who makes sex pleasant for the other partner *gets more sex.* Right?