Sunday, October 23, 2011

Me & OKC (Part One): A French Fling

I still remember my feeling of slightly judgmental surprise when Susan* told me she had signed up for and

“But we're only juniors!” I said. “You're too young. Maybe one day, like when I'm 30 and desperate, I'll look into online dating...” I realized I was coming off as totally judgmental, so I tried to temper my criticism. “I mean, there's nothing wrong with online dating. A couple from my church met that way, and now they're married with two darling sons. It's just... I feel as though you're prettier and smarter than the townies.”

Susan was one of my roommates junior year. My best friend Rose* was always asleep when I got back to our apartment each night after the library closed, but Susan and Jade* were usually still awake and eager to gossip about the men in our lives. Jade always talked about her boyfriend, I always sighed about my best friend Mark,* but this was the first time Susan had really giggled about a guy. A guy she'd met online.

Jade and I were both dubious. It just seemed... weird. And desperate. And frankly? Not something that beautiful, smart, southern girls did.

Fast forward several years. Not only do I have an account at, but I met my boyfriend (!!!) via OKC.

How the hell did this happen?

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Virgin Myths: Virgins Can't Kiss

Cherry graphic via

Today's myth is a little bit different. It has been implied to me in multiple variations, but never as blatantly or as explicitly as Myths One, Two, and Three.

Myth Number Four: Virgins are bad kissers/ Nonvirgins are better kissers/ Good kissers must be nonvirgins/ Etc

I have been told, on more than one occasion, “You don't kiss like a virgin.”

I'm never exactly sure how to respond to that. On the one hand, I know he means it as a compliment, so I'm flattered. Who doesn't want to impress their hook-ups with their awesome kissing skills? On the other hand...

What the fuck does he mean by that?! I don't kiss like a virgin? Okay. Tell me how a virgin kisses. Timidly? Close-mouthed? Not at all? I don't understand how a virgin and nonvirgin kiss all that differently.

You gotta learn to walk before you can run, right? Well, it's the same thing with kissing and sex. Ideally, you perfect your kissing skills before you move on to your sexual prowess. So, no, I haven't had sex yet, but yes, I mastered kissing years ago.

In fact, I'm a virgin who's a better kisser than several of the nonvirgins with whom I've hooked up. I've made out with some guys who I know have slept with many girls, and when we've been done kissing, the main thought running through my head has been, “How the hell did you get so many girls into bed with you?”

They were probably insecure. Or drunk. But that's another post for another day.

Moral of the story. Kissing is a skill just like any other. Some people are naturally good at it. Like me.* ;) Some people need more practice. Everyone can improve with practice and patient, loving feedback. But just because I don't enjoy running doesn't mean I can't comfortably spend hours walking and exploring Paris/London/Vienna/etc.


*I'm not being immodest. Remember my first kiss? He was also my best friend. If my first kiss had been with someone else, naturally, I would have told him. About halfway through our make out session, he stopped and looked at me, with a slightly accusatory look on his face. “I'm not your first kiss, am I,” he said, sounding hurt. It took me several minutes to convince him that he was.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Who I Am: A Story in 10 Parts

Y'all remember that “25 Things” meme that was going around facebook a few years back? You had to write out 25 random things about you and then tag 25 people in your note?

I've decided to do that tonight, albeit an abbreviated version. Although ultimately, all my posts come back to sex/abstinence, not all future subjects will relate so obviously. By sharing with y'all 10 things about me, you'll have a better idea of who I am, why this blog is important to me, and where my ideas are coming from.

Without further ado, and in no particular order, 10 things.

1. I am in my 20s, and I have never been in love. I have never had a boyfriend. Before meeting man friend, I had never even come close to having a boyfriend, although I had had a handful of complicated liaisons. Most people discover this about me, and they are shocked. I am always torn between feeling flattered and insulted. I'm glad that you think I'm awesome enough that you think guys should be throwing themselves at me... but I'm not totally okay with the fact that you feel as though there's something wrong with still being single at my age. Because I don't. I think it means I'm discerning, not that I'm undesirable.

Edit 10/23/2011: As of 10/16/2011, I have had a boyfriend. Man friend officially leveled up. :) 

Edit 01/28/2012: I meant to adjust this earlier. The boyfriend & I first said "I love you" on Thanksgiving 2011.

2. My religious and spiritual beliefs are complicated. I am certain of very few things when it comes to God. One, I believe in an Ultimate Being, my Creator, who I call God, who made me and loves me. Two, I believe God is beyond gender or sex, and we only refer to God with masculine pronouns because of the patriarchal time period in which the Bible was written. Personally, I use feminine pronouns with God because the English language lacks a gender-neutral pronoun worthy of Her. Three, I believe Jesus is the Son of God, He came to Earth to teach us about love, and He died for our sins so that we may one day ascend into heaven.

Beyond that, I have no idea. I feel as though all religions have truth to them. I think the ultimate religion is to love. I think we have to figure out our own moral compasses and abide by our own consciences. What's okay for me might not be okay for you and vice versa. I think it's hypocritical to judge anyone for their actions. What I'm about to say really won't sit well with conservative Christians, but I don't think that Jesus is the only way to heaven. I think accepting Him as your savior is the only surefire way to heaven, but not necessarily the only path available to us. I feel as though I learn just as much about religion and spirituality when I read Susan Cooper, C.S. Lewis, and Madelaine L'Engle as when I read the Bible... if not more. I am constantly seeking what is True, what is Beautiful, what is Good. When I die and meet my Maker, I am confident that I will be able to say I did my best in this life. I faltered, I stumbled, I made mistakes, but I tried, I learned, and most importantly, I loved.

3. As part of my complicated religious and spiritual beliefs, I don't believe that premarital sex is a sin. I have studied the Bible, although I have yet to read it cover-to-cover, and nowhere in the Bible does it state that sex before marriage is a sin. That guideline is an extrapolation from other verses about not committing adultery and not having lust in your heart. Frankly, for most of history the Church didn't care if men had sex. A woman's virginity was valued less for biblical reasons and more because she was property. My choosing to save myself for marriage has nothing to do with my religious beliefs and everything to do with my personal desire to save my virginity as a gift for my husband.

4. Words are important to me. I know I tweet about Words With Friends and Scrabble constantly, but my love of words is more than that. I want to paint you a picture with my words. I want you to see what I see, to feel what I feel.

Names are important to me. Naming something gives it power, gives it significance. I love my name. I wish I could share it with y'all, but frequent google searches indicate that I am one of three people in this country, possibly the world, with the combination of my first and last name. Any modicum of anonymity I have left would be smashed to smithereens. My name is beautiful. My first name is for my maternal grandmother, my middle name is for my paternal grandmother, and my last name is my father's. When I get married one day, I want to keep my last name. Not only that, but I want my first daughter to take both my first and last name. (Don't worry; I already have an equally beautiful nickname picked out for her so that she can maintain her individuality). Some people think I'm crazy when I say this... but if a man were to say the same thing about his first son, would your reaction be the same? Or completely supportive?

5. Homosexuality is not a sin. Love is love and should never be sullied by hate. If you adamantly disagree with me, fine, I probably won't change your mind. This topic will be its own post one day, so I'll leave you just with this. If you believe homosexuality is a sin, you ought to believe premarital sex is a sin. Odds are, you're engaging in that, so who are you to judge the LGBTQ community?

6. I'm incredibly comfortable with my body and will display it without thinking twice. Sometimes I wish we could all go back to Eden (which I recognize as a creation metaphor, but go with me here) and walk around the garden, naked and unashamed. My body is beautiful, and I don't mind it being appreciated. I do believe there is a difference between appreciation and objectification. I realize that I can't control men's thoughts or actions towards me, but I don't think it's my responsibility to hide who I am to make their lives easier.

My body isn't perfect. I have stretch marks from childhood, one of the few outward signs of Crohn's disease and the weight gain that was beyond my control... and a much better option than slowly starving to death. My stomach has always been curved, even when I was grossly underweight and even when I was in amazing shape. I wear glasses and refuse to even consider contacts. My nose is slightly off-center.

But I've embraced my body. I've embraced my imperfections. I think I'm beautiful because of my flaws, not in spite of them.

7. May 5, 2011 changed my life forever. That was the first time I ever admitted my last deep, dark secret to one of my best friends. I finally openly accepted who I was inside, and the next few days were some of the best, most free days of my life. But the rest of the summer was spent in tears as I tried to figure out how to come to terms with who I am. Because I can't go back to the scared little girl I was before, the one who always felt on the outside of things, the one who used her sweet and innocent facade to survive southern conservatism, the one who could only embrace the socially-acceptable aspects of her incredibly complex personality.

Eleven people know now. Eight of my best friends, one of their boyfriends who's like a brother to me, Ron, and man friend. Careful readers may have figured it out already. ;) I'll probably tell y'all about it... eventually. Another reason why I had to start a separate, anonymous blog/twitter/email. I don't think most of my friends and family will accept me anymore. Sure, they'll still love me, but they'll never look at me the same way again. And that thought kills me inside, daily, as it has for seven years now.

Edit 08/30/2012: As of 07/29/2012, I finally admitted to my blog readers and twitter followers that I'm bisexual. It feels incredibly freeing to write this. I just wish I could tell my family and my friends at home as easily as I told the Internet.

8. I want to make a difference in the world. I want to help people. I want to know that I matter. I want to make people happy. I want to bring a smile to someone's face. I want to inspire, to educate, to lead by example. I know this blog only garners a tiny bit of traffic, but that's okay. If I can reach out to just one person, then I've made a difference. And that will bring a smile to my face.

9. I strongly believe in the five languages of love: gift-giving, words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, and acts of service. For example, I'm words of affirmation, and my college roommate is gift-giving. It's important to learn not just your own, but also the language of the people you love. More on this later.

10. I have grown way too attached to my followers on twitter, although this shouldn't be a surprise. I've had another blog for years, since high school, in fact, and I've developed genuine relationships with people I've 'met' there. Some of them I have had the pleasure of meeting in real life, and, because it truly is a small world, I now live just a few towns over from one of them!

So maybe it sounds crazy or cheesy or insincere, but I've actually come to care about the people with whom I interact on twitter. I like reading y'all's tweets. I love reading y'all's blogs. I'm curious to learn more about y'all.

There you are. 10 things about me. All the cards on the table. I can handle being a walking oxymoron. The question is:

Can you?


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