Virgin Myths: Virgins Can't Get Laid

Cherry graphic via

I've tried to figure out why some people are so surprised when they find out I'm a virgin. Is it my low-cut dress? My mad kissing skills? My friendly, flirtatious manner?

The fact that I defy other virgin myths is definitely part of it. When you see me, and you compare me to this image of virgins you have in your head, we don't match up. Even if your thought isn't Under different circumstances, I would sleep with her, you're probably at least thinking I know some guys who would sleep with her.

It's confusing that I'm a virgin because, at least to some people, I'm desirable.

Myth: Virgins haven't had sex yet because they just can't get laid/ no one finds them desirable/ no one wants to sleep with them.

I really really don't like this myth primarily because it removes any control a virgin has over his or her own sex life. It creates a norm--everyone wants to have sex. If you haven't had sex, clearly it's because no one is interested in you.

In one of my earliest posts, I shared a few stories in which I had to handle the subject of my virginity. One of those stories was the first time a man ever asked me if I wanted to make love. He was French, so the whole conversation was in French, but the meaning is the same.

I could share all the times when a man tried to sleep with me, but for once, I think brevity will be more effective.

I very very very very much want to make love with* the boyfriend.

The feeling is mutual.

We're two virgins who definitely want to have sex with each other.

We've just decided to wait until we're married.

My virginity, my choice. His virginity, his choice.

We're not passive people sitting around, hoping someone will turn us into sexual objects. We are both active agents in control of our own sex lives, two virgins choosing to save PIV sex for marriage.

MYTH POPPED!

*I originally had "make love to," but the boyfriend commented that I should change it to reflect something we'll enjoy together.

Virgin Search Keywords

Like anyone else (I'm assuming) with a blog hosted here, I like to check my stats regularly. How many page views I receive (not as many as I'd like), my audience (primarily American, but still very international!), my traffic sources (twitter is my all-time highest, but google is moving on up), and within those traffic sources...

The search keywords.

Obviously I'm not surprised on the many variations of "virgin," but this past weeks results are... interesting.

These are the search keywords that led to my blog from 2012 May 15 13:00 – 2012 May 22 12:00.

I've drawn two conclusions from these search keywords. One, I have recurring visitors who pull up my blog via google, by searching my blog title. Two, some people come to my blog hoping for something a little bit kinkier than I can offer.

Anyone want to 'fess up to finding my blog via any of these search keywords?

Bueller?

The Talk, Or How to Discuss Sex Without Scarring Your Children for Life

In honor of Mother's Day, I want to write about one of the best gifts my mom ever gave me: The Talk.

Can we just stop for a moment here and contemplate talking to kids about sex? I'm not a parent, but I am an au pair, and I have to handle S-E-X so carefully in conversation. (My older kids are 13 and 10, so, yeah, it's come up once or twice). I have no idea how I'm going to navigate that discussion when I have my own kids one day, but I really hope I do as good of a job as my mom did with my twin brother and me.

"Man to Man," in Once Upon a Mattress

My mom gave my twin brother and me “The Talk” when we were ten, an awkward but necessary conversation.* One of these days I should thank her for her perfectly balanced lecture (and for arranging it so we didn't have to look her in the eye). One night while cooking dinner, she told H and me we needed to talk about something. While she busied herself in the kitchen, we sat down and listened. She first presented the argument for abstinence until marriage, explaining “our” beliefs as Christians. She also told us that sex was a beautiful form of intimacy best shared between a husband and wife.

But because my mom totally rocks, she then continued with both an overview of contraception and the importance of never pressuring a future partner. We learned that condoms protected against pregnancy and STDs, that birth control pills were effective against pregnancy, but best used in a monogamous relationship because they did nothing to protect against STDs. We learned that sex should be a mutual decision in a relationship, that we should never feel pressured to do something we're not ready to do, that we should never pressure a future partner.

My mom ended by telling us that she hoped we decided to wait until marriage, but that when we were older, and if we were in a serious relationship, and if we decided to have sex with our significant other, then she hoped we would feel comfortable talking to her or our dad if we had any questions or concerns.

That was it.

That was The Talk.

Was it awkward? Of course.

Could it have been worse? Oh, Lord, yes, and thank God it wasn't!

Did it cover everything a good Talk should? Yes, it did, and I'm so grateful for it.

*Sex Ed at our school started in the sixth grade, so although I don't remember exactly when we received The Talk, it was before sixth grade started. Aka when we were 10.

Any Virgins in the UK? Exciting Opportunity!

So.

I know my last few posts have been pretty heavy. No sexy stories, no clever comments, no lighthearted laughs.

Sexual assault and consent are topics that leave me really emotional. I cried while writing my last two posts. I cried while talking about them with the boyfriend. I cried when I read the responses I received in confidence.

But this post is about something exciting!!! instead of something enlightening yet depressing.

Although this post is more exclusive than normal. I'm sorry.

I have a very special announcement for my readers in the United Kingdom!!! Particularly any virgin readers!

A few weeks ago, I received an email from Farrah Jaufuraully on behalf of Zig Zag Productions, an independent production company in London.

(For all my non-UK readers, don't worry. I totally stalked their website, and it's definitely legit).

Farrah is working on a new documentary, one that explores the process towards sexual maturity. An observational documentary (aka NOT like TLC's judgmental reality show The Virgin Diaries). To do this, the show needs British volunteers who have struggled with sex for years, possibly due to feeling shy and awkward around the opposite sex. The documentary would follow one British man and one British woman as they go through clinical and surrogate partner therapy.*

Did I mention the therapy is free? Yup.

From Farrah's email:

We’d like our contributors to be involved with one-on-one work with a consulting therapist and a surrogate partner as well as being tasked with trying out what they have learnt – from conducting themselves with confidence, to engaging strangers in conversation, to publically displaying affection with a coach.

So, if you're interested, or you know someone who might be interested, feel free to email me at virginconfessions20s@gmail.com or Farrah directly at farrah.jaufuraully@zigzag.uk.com. You can also call Farrah at 020 7017 8755.

Obviously, all inquiries will be handled in complete confidence. I mean, y'all have NO idea how many virgins have “come out” to me, so to speak, privately via twitter DMs or email. ;) I'm a total pro at keeping my readers' secrets.

*Confession: I had to google this. Click on the link for more information.

Consent: For the Rape Apologists

It's time for this country to create a conversation about a bizarrely controversial topic.

I'm talking about consent.

For whatever reason, we're still stuck in this backwards culture of victim-blaming. Then, when I have the “gall” to point out how fucked up victim-blaming is, rape apologists proceed to act offended.

But in this series on consent, I will do my very best to give my readers the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes very legitimate questions about consent are asked. Because we don't talk about it, consent can be confusing.

As is almost always the case in my blog, I will use examples from my own life of when I have given or received consent in sexual activities.

Before I proceed, let me anticipate a few possible reactions by rape apologists. I don't mean to ruffle any feathers, but these are reactions I've heard in similar conversations with my friends, some of whom read this blog. Reactions that are inappropriate and piss me off.

What about teh menz?!

Why I'm A Feminist (Part Two): My Sexual Assaults Were Not My Fault

I was 12 the first time.

I was in the kitchen with two boys from school, both in my grade, although neither in my class.

Don't ask me who they were, or why they were there, because it doesn't matter.

I was getting a drink when I heard them walk in. I turned around and said hello. One of them leaned over and poked my breast, my beautiful, budding, barely B-cup breast.

He poked it, said “Boobies!” and burst out laughing. The other boy started laughing too.

I was mortified.

Humiliated.

Ashamed.

I have no recollection of what happened next. I don't know if I yelled, or darted out the room, or cried.

But I remember exactly how it felt for my breast to be poked against my will, for my young body to be violated. I remember exactly how the two boys looked as they laughed at me.

I remember exactly how I felt.

I felt ashamed of my poor pubescent body. I felt ashamed of how easily two boys had humiliated me, turning my own body against me. I felt ashamed for not preventing it from happening.

This is the first time I've ever told anyone what happened.

This is why I'm a feminist.

  "Shake It Out," Glee