Thursday, January 17, 2013

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly: I'm a Size 2

The Good: Saturday I start training for my new part-time job as the “Front Desk Specialist” at the JC Penney salon near where I work my full-time job. The extra money from working 15 hours a week will be nice, but I’m mostly excited about the health care benefits. I’m still on my parents’ insurance, but I know I cost them a lot of money. Plus, since I no longer live in the South, I’m out-of-network. Getting my own health insurance will be life-changing.

Of course, dress will be a little different than my current job, where I show up in jeans and a hoodie most days. For my new job, dress code is business casual, in a black, white, and gray color scheme. This would have been a problem for me during my pre-French days, but my current winter wardrobe is pretty dark after absorbing Parisian fashion. I have several cute tops that will all be suitable.

The Bad: However, the only appropriate bottoms I own are two identical black pencil skirts. A pair of nice black slacks was definitely in order. Thus tonight my best friend and former roommate/co-intern, Lauren, and I hit up The Loft, a store we both adore. We had both received an email this week announcing 60% off sale items and 30% off new arrivals. Perfect!

Their petites section had two different styles of slacks. I tried them both on, and Lauren & I agreed one was better than the other. I purchased them along with three black/white/gray tops that were all on sale. I dropped $100 on the whole purchase, which isn’t too bad considering I bought only quality work clothes, but isn't great when you're trying to save money.

The Ugly: I’m a size 2. For the first time since I was 16.

I’m a size 2 because I still haven’t gained back the weight I lost in November. I’m a size 2 because I was sick. I’m a size 2 because I might still be sick.

I know it’s hard to believe, especially for my readers struggling with weight loss, but being unable to gain weight is terrifying. It is worse than trying to lose weight. I should know. Past treatment for Crohn’s has caused me to gain weight, and I hated the struggle of working out & eating well just to maintain an “average” body. But it was never as bad as trying to gain weight.

I can’t even feel vain about being skinny. I lost my ass! It was never a big booty, but it was always nice and proportional to the rest of my curves. It’s almost flat now. My boobs are less full too, although, let’s be honest, they are still the envy of women everywhere and the fantasy of many men.

Please, dear God, let me gain 5 lbs. Please, dear God, let me be healthy again. I can’t be sick again.

I just can’t.


  1. I've always had trouble keeping weight on. If I eat poorly or get overly stressed, I drop weight, and I have never had any extra to lose, really. At least once, I got otherwise sick and fell to a very dangerously low weight, and it's really been kind of a long-running battle to keep a healthy weight.

    It's gotten better since I had my kids, but I have still never seen a Size 2 that I couldn't basically swim in!

    1. It's so... well, not good per se, but reassuring... to hear from someone who understands! I'm sure my concerns just sound like self-indulged whining to anyone struggling to LOSE weight. I get the old "Must be nice!" or "I wish I had that problem" from basically everyone. I wish more people would understand that everyone's bodies are different.

    2. YES!!! SO MUCH OF THIS!!!

      This is totally me. I can't gain weight. The only time I've really ever gained weight since hitting puberty was when I was pregnant with my son. But I'm tired of people treating me like I have no right to complain.

      I actually even wrote a blog post about it!!!

  2. I understand how difficult and disheartening trying to gain weight can be but stressing about it more won't help! Try to live as healthy as you can and try not to worry about it. You're in my thoughts!

    1. Thank you, dear! I've made several healthy changes this year--going to bed at a regular time, cutting back drastically on soda--but it's so hard to balance being healthy with consuming fat/calories. I think I'm in a good place, though, with two healthy meals and one fat-laden meal a day, plus a mix of healthy & fatty snacks. I'm also not losing anymore weight, which is what's most important.

  3. Replies
    1. I have yet to gain any weight... But I haven't lost anymore. Yay for the little things?

      Although my occasional nausea has returned, after a blissful three-month hiatus. Gargh.

  4. I've struggled with weight and I don't think this is at all self indulgent or whining. This is not a "luxury problem", a luxury problem would be more like,"I have this extra $10,000 and no idea how to spend it, and its stressing me out". It would be scary to anyone to lose weight without trying and to constantly be worried that its because your sick or getting sick. It's losing control over your body or some aspect of your body and that is frightening, I'm so sorry that your going through this. On a happier note, congrats on the new job (and health benefits, yay!) Good luck and take care of yourself.

    1. Thank you so much for you kind words and understanding.

      My new health benefits start today! I'm researching in-network doctors this weekend. :)


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