Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Let's Talk About (Married) Sex, Baby!

Beau and I have been married almost nine months already. It feels like we've been married forever, but our wedding also feels like just yesterday.

Married sex has been great. I'm a huge fan of coitus!

I've definitely learned a few things, though, that no one tells you when you're saving sex for marriage. 

Dry spells are normal and okay.

When you save sex for marriage, regardless if you save coitus like we did or save all sexual activity for marriage, the common narrative is that married sex will be very frequent. At the very least, it will be frequent prior to kids.

No one talks about dry spells. 

No one even defines dry spells.

For Beau and me, a dry spell is going more than 8 or 9 days without sex. We usually have coitus at least once a week. Due to recent travel and illness, we just had our longest dry spell of about two weeks. And that's okay! It's not ideal, but it's okay. It's not indicative of a problem in our relationship. It's not a permanent status. It's a dry spell, and we got over it.

For other couples, sex frequency will vary greatly. A dry spell might be a month without sex, or it might be more than 3 days without sex.

Engaging in premarital sexual activity doesn't diminish how special married sex can be.

Obviously, Beau and I saved coitus for marriage, but we engaged in other premarital sexual activity. I believe sexual purity is bullshit, but most people waiting for marriage think it has some sort of merit.

Every time Beau and I have coitus, I'm amazed that we're married and having married sex. Even though we did fun naked stuff prior to marriage, it doesn't make our married sex life less special. Even when we don't have coitus, and we do the non-sex sex like before, it's still different because this time, we're married. 

Sometimes seduction isn't necessary.

Yeah, it's nice when Beau wakes me up on a Saturday morning with sexy cuddles, rubbing my back and playing with my hair. It's nice when we take a hot bath together with wine or hot tea and exchange massages. 

But sometimes I'm like, "Hey, wanna have sex?" And he's like, "Okay." We strip down and hop into bed and start making out. 

There's definitely more that we've learned together, but these three points are things I noticed missing in conversations about saving sex for marriage. 

If you're married, what surprised you about your sex life? Leave me a comment!


  1. dear Lord I miss sex, but probably not as much as my husband does right now. Sorry, just reading your post reminded me that I'm expecting and for some reason have no sex drive and also when I'm touched I get nauseous. My brain is like "huh, yeah, I did used to enjoy that, I wonder whats wrong with me" and my body is like NO THANKS. (i know there is nothing wrong with me, but pregnancy has changed me so much I think of things in that way sometimes. my brain hasn't caught up to my...strange new body and hormones, hah) I'm glad for a great husband who does not pressure me. Although i know he misses me. :) :)

    1. Oh, my goodness, I didn't even think about how pregnancy could be affecting your sex life. I mean, I definitely told Beau well before we got married that we might have really long dry spells because of pregnancy/childbirth, but I haven't given it any thought since then. You're almost done with the first trimester, right? Hopefully things will turn back to normal-ish. If not... it's still just temporary!

      Your husband is definitely a good one. Just think of how epic your reunion will be! ;)

    2. My "I'm not interested in sex, you can't make me be interested in sex" came after pregnancy. The hormones that linger when you breastfeed are not always nether-region-sharing friendly.

      I'm sorry this has become a thing in your life and I hope that the end of pregnancy sees your sex drive come back with a vengeance! (I actually got super sexual in my second and third trimesters. Pregnancy sex, after The Crazy of the first trimester had ebbed, was awesome. Fingers crossed for you and the Mister!) :) And way to go, Husband! That is awesome. (Mine is like that too, so wonderful and patient and understanding. It's so helpful.)

  2. True on all points. (13+ years of marriage)

    1. It's always nice to hear from someone with more experience :D

  3. YES. If people would just talk more about sex. That would be awesome. (This makes more sense if you read my mind and see that, recently, the un-tabooing of sex, menstruation and childbirth (among other things, of course) has become hugely important to me.)

    All of that, but the dry spells. Just because you don't go at each other like rabbits every day, doesn't mean you don't love each other. Life happens and so does "yeah no, really not in the mood, hon." THANK YOU. I appreciate your writing this.

  4. This is normal for us, too, in our 7th year. Sometimes it seems like we're having it twice a day and sometimes it'll be 10 days in between. We talk honestly ablut it, too.

  5. As far as I can tell, your comments are all from other women. I'd like to give y'all a man's perspective on "dry spells".

    Ladies, understand that "dry spells" do sexual harm to men, generally speaking. Women have different sexual needs than men. It's often said that women need to feel loved to want sex. Men, on the other hand, need to have sex to feel and show love.

    If your husbands are anything like me, after a few days with no sex, they're feeling neglected. You may notice a little change in his behavior; such as being a little more distant, things annoying him a bit more, less conversation, etc. If you ask him if he's mad or upset about something, he'll most likely deny it.

    Learn these signs of your man feeling unloved. It's a big deal to us.

    Heather and I have been married for over 30 years. We have 5 kids so I know and understand the "pregnancy" issue all too well. I'll still ask you, for the sake of your husbands, to do your best to satisfy his natural desire to sex you up. I promise, if you tell him your needs, he will respect them.

    Heather and I have written about many of our sexual experiences and we share them on our page, http://www.marriedheat.com. We offer advice and answer questions as well. Please visit and take a poll, read a few posts, and even register and share your own stories.


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