Misbehaving and Making History

The fact that I'm blogging after getting less than seven hours of sleep and then working eight hours in the JCP salon just shows how motivated I am by Jenni's challenge to blog every day in May. Also, I get really annoyed by people who assume that everyone has the same sleep needs. You can make fun of my need to get eight hours of sleep every night when you have an incurable disease. Until then, shush. Finally, I was really tempted to put, "May the Force be with you" as my favorite quotation since today is May the Fourth, and everyone is hilariously tweeting "May the Fourth be with you." Also, one of my pet peeves is when people use the word quote, a VERB, when they mean quotation, a NOUN.
I have many favorite quotations. Some are biblical, like Galations 3:28 and Psalm 8:1-9. Others are song lyrics, like "Gonna dance until my feet can't feel the ground." But most of my favorite quotations, unsurprisingly, are by women and about women.

One of my pet peeves on twitter are misattributed quotations or worse--unattributed quotations. It's called google, people. Use it.

The second-to-last night with my three best friends in France, with our matching tattoos only 24 hours old.

I bet you thought Marilyn Monroe said that. Or Eleanor Roosevelt. I also bet you have no idea who Laurel Thatcher Ulrich even is.

If you're not well-versed in American women's history, then you don't really have a reason to know Laurel Thatcher Ulrich. On the other hand, I double-majored in history and French, and I concentrated (minored) in Women's and Gender Studies. Naturally my undergraduate courses led me to Laurel Thatcher Ulrich, a prominent historian of early American history and women's history.

When I was younger (read: pre-university), I didn't understand this quotation. I was very much your stereotypical goody-two-shoes who worked hard in school, held multiple leadership positions, attended church regularly, and genuinely got along with everyone. I took the opposite of "well-behaved" quite literally. Why would I misbehave? Why would I do something wrong?

Men Are Statistically More Likely to be Victims of Rape Than to be Falsely Accused of Rape

Confession: I regularly tweet at work. And not just because I manage all the social media for my company. I work for a start-up company, which means my job description includes the ability to “hurry up and wait.” In-between actual job tasks, I read the latest on Jezebel, stalk my new favorite blogs, and tweet about sexual assault.

Today, as I was getting ready to leave work, I tweeted two things. 

The response to the first was typical.

The response to the second is the most number of retweets and favorites I have ever received. By far.

Not surprisingly, I also received a small number of hostile replies to the suggestion that men shouldn’t be nearly as worried about being falsely accused of rape as they should about being victims of rape. Maybe because it’s easier to think women are more likely to lie than men are to be violent? I don’t know.

In light of the recent Steubenville case, and the disgusting amount of victim-blaming on the Internet, and the fight I had with my twin brother (the rape apologist) last week, and the replies I received to this tweet… I give you…

A post on men and sexual violence.

My Boobs Have Nothing to Do with You

According to twitter, clearly the world’s authority on everything ever, today is Cleavage Appreciation Day. Obviously some women have gotten really into it, tweeting shots of their cleavage (or even just their bra-clad boobs), with the hashtag #CleavageAppreciationDay. Other women are pretty against it, and they’re calling out basically all women who show cleavage ever as 1) lacking self-respect 2) being desperate for attention and/or 3) acting slutty. Some men are all “Woo, boobs!” and some men are all, “How darest these harlots cause me to have sinful thoughts?”

This is a pretty clear example of a larger debate in American society. Hell, to an extent, it’s an example of a lifelong issue within Christianity. Women are either the Virgin or the Whore, and we are criticized heavily regardless of our choice.

But I’ve already discussed the prude/slut dichotomy. This post is about boobs, a companion piece of sorts to my previous rant on boob-shaming. If I write this correctly, I will somehow tie together my problem with the Church’s view on modesty, my support of female sexuality, rape culture, and body autonomy. All with pictures of my cleavage and pissed off indignation that some people have the audacity to think they know anything about me based on my aforementioned cleavage. 

Age 19, Delta Nu* Initiation Banquet. An outfit heavily criticized for showing "too much" cleavage.

Five Myths About Women Who Love Sex: A Guest Post

Y'all, I become so excited whenever someone offers to write a guest post for me! Melissa Messer contacted me ages ago, but preoccupied me didn't get around to accepting her offer until just last week.

Melissa is a freelance contributor to The Dating Website who is dangerously close to being a college graduate. Her native habitat includes an ample coffee supply, a collection of scarves, and headphones pumping an endless supply of music into her ears.
 

Melissa is writing from the nonvirgin perspective on life, and I'm thrilled she chose to share her viewpoint!

Now, I can’t for a second say that this was an easy post to write. Ladies who openly love sex are still somewhat of an anomaly in today’s world, and God forbid you live in a country where simply having sex outside of marriage is grounds for murder. In more progressive places, life is easier for women, but female promiscuity still tends to bring out nasty streaks in people's personalities. Even while writing this, I am somewhat fearful of the comments I may receive. I’ll admit though, that I’m no longer ashamed of the truth: there are women in this world who love sex. Not because of anything associated with it, not the power or the attention, but just because of the fact that sex can be one of the most amazing things you’ll ever experience. How you choose to go about it should be entirely up to each woman in the world (and man, for that matter!). I’m sick to death of the stigma and hushed tones that our mothers and grandmothers were forced to associate with sex. My own mother, bless her heart, still regards the whole topic as one she “doesn’t want to talk about.”

So, as Belle has been kind enough to allow me to share my opinion on women who love sex with you lovely readers of Confessions of a Virgin, I declare that I’ve had enough. Let’s talk about this out in the open like adults. Let’s dispel some of the myths associated with women who unabashedly love sex.

Slutwalks UK

1. A woman who loves sex is a slut.

Society has trouble exactly defining what a “slut” is, but what I seem to be able to gather from the babble are several definitions. One is that a slut is someone who equates sex with power. Sluts, then, don’t seem to be actually interested in sex. They just want the power that they gain from it. Slut also seems to be a girl who has sex to make up for her insecurities by using sex to either gain or keep the interest of men. Again, these women don’t necessarily love sex—they just want the attention and power that it brings them.

However, I’d go so far as to say that since the world can’t seem to tell me what a “slut” actually is, sluts don’t actually exist except as a term to attempt to demean women. It’s the equivalent of calling someone a “cotton-headed ninnymuggins.” It’s nonsense. Calling someone a slut says way more about the one doing the calling than it does the perceived slut, and I vote we get rid of this silliness once and for all.

The Sexiest Virgins Alive

Twitterverse is obsessed with Mean Girls. The world stops whenever it's on television, and I'm pretty sure all women aged 18 to 25 spontaneously orgasmed when Mean Girls finally became available on Netflix.

Sorry, that was a gender generalization, which I normally try really hard not to make.

Via nicomillionaire.tumblr.com

But as much as I see anons tweeting quotations from Mean Girls, I rarely see much discussion about what we can learn from the movie.

The definition of sex has become rather broad and often confusing in today's American culture. Even this asshole our former president doesn't seem to get it.

So what is sex? What is virginity? Does a definition even matter?

Well, no.

But our society is obsessed with it, and as a self-proclaimed virgin who blogs about sex, virginity, and everything in-between, I'm not exactly helping de-emphasize the "importance" of the distinction.

But I AM provoking discussion and sparking debate and challenging preconceived notions of virgins.

Why I'm a Feminist (Part Three): Gender Inequality Makes Me Angry

Assholes like to belittle women’s rights activists, dismissing us as “angry feminists.” Normally I bristle against stereotypes of any kind, but especially ones that try to limit who I am as a person. Just like being a virgin doesn't make me frigid or judgmental, being a feminist doesn't make me a bitch or a man-hater.

But the assholes have one thing right. 

I am angry.

I’m angry that the War on Women isn't just a political catchphrase. Republican legislators across the country, at the federal and state level, have introduced, and often passed, legislation 

• to force women seeking an abortion to undergo unnecessary procedures, or 
• to force women to carry even stillborn children to term after 20 weeks, or 
• to legalize the murder of abortion providers, or 
• to redefine rape, or 
• to force doctors to lie to patients, or 
• to restrict access to birth control while criminalizing all abortion.

I’m angry that Bill Clinton is still the Democrat’s Golden Boy. I don’t care that he cheated on his wife—that is his personal business. But how many women have accused him of sexual harassment, like Paula Jones? Of sexual assault, like Kathleen Willey? Of rape, like Juanita Broaddrick? Accusations date back to BEFORE he was even governor. So all you rape apologists who want to doubt his victims’ credibility can just stop. I thought the Democratic Party supported women’s rights…

I'm angry that my twin brother called me a slut and a whore for years, in front of all our mutual friends, and not a single one of  them stood up for me. I had committed the unforgivable crime of developing breasts, and I had to be shamed for it.

I’m angry at the number of times I had to ask to choose a famous person not on the proposed list for essays, papers, and projects. Why? I wanted to write about famous women.

I’m angry that I earned a reputation in my non-WGS history classes as the feminist. Why? I was the only one who consistently questioned gender bias, who asked about the women. In today’s day and age, what kind of history students ignore the history of half the world’s population?

I’m angry that my home church won’t allow women to serve in ordained positions. Women are allowed to be deacons, but not elders or ministers. My father is an elder, and I know he does his best to represent my mother and me, along with my brothers. I remember how proud I was when I found out he had been nominated. I cried when he told me he almost didn't accept it. He had to pray about it and talk to my mother because he wondered if it was wrong to accept a leadership role denied to my mother.

I’m angry that women are held up to an impossible standard of beauty. Be skinny, but not too skinny. Be curvy, but not too curvy. Be really pale or really tan, but not in-between. Always wear make-up in public, but never look like you’re wearing make-up. Wear the latest styles, but only wear styles that flatter your figure. Wear the latest colors, but only wear colors that flatter your skin tone. 

I'm angry that a sexual double standard still exists. My blood boiled when I first heard the comparison of men and women to keys and locks. 

I'm angry that most movies and TV shows fail the Bechdel Test.

I'm angry that so many of the twitter accounts I follow do stupid trending topics like #MyPerfectHusbandIs and #HowToMakeAWomanHappy, both of which just reek with outdated gender stereotypes.

I'm angry that I can't tell anyone from home that I'm bisexual. I'm angry that my sexuality is dismissed as greedy, or experimental, or denial. I'm angry that I have to lie to my family, to all my friends from high school, to most of my friends from college, to everyone at church. I'm angry that I can't marry a woman in my home state.

So go ahead.

Call me an angry feminist.

You are 100 fucking percent correct.

My Big Boobs, My Business

Tonight I want to discuss something near and dear to my heart… Literally.

Boobs.

Big boobs.

Teeny tiny ribcage, and my cups runneth over.

My boyfriend just unhooked my bra to encourage my writing. He’s so sweet like that.

I don’t just want to discuss big boobs. I want to discuss how people react to big boobs. How people treat those of us who have big boobs. How people can’t look past a bra size.

How people call me a slut when I show just a hint of cleavage.

Just an FYI for any new blog readers. I’m a virgin, so I’m pretty sure I am NOT a slut.

I had major writer’s block while working on this post the other night. After sleeping on it, I realized the source of my struggle.

Boobs are such a complex subject that I can’t just devote a single post to it. My thoughts were seriously all over the place. I went from ranting to discussing awesome bras to explaining my big-boobed perspective.

Tonight, I’m going to rant. I’ve written about slut-shaming before. Tonight, I’m writing about boob-shaming.

Virgin Myths: Virgins Can't Get Laid

Cherry graphic via

I've tried to figure out why some people are so surprised when they find out I'm a virgin. Is it my low-cut dress? My mad kissing skills? My friendly, flirtatious manner?

The fact that I defy other virgin myths is definitely part of it. When you see me, and you compare me to this image of virgins you have in your head, we don't match up. Even if your thought isn't Under different circumstances, I would sleep with her, you're probably at least thinking I know some guys who would sleep with her.

It's confusing that I'm a virgin because, at least to some people, I'm desirable.

Myth: Virgins haven't had sex yet because they just can't get laid/ no one finds them desirable/ no one wants to sleep with them.

I really really don't like this myth primarily because it removes any control a virgin has over his or her own sex life. It creates a norm--everyone wants to have sex. If you haven't had sex, clearly it's because no one is interested in you.

In one of my earliest posts, I shared a few stories in which I had to handle the subject of my virginity. One of those stories was the first time a man ever asked me if I wanted to make love. He was French, so the whole conversation was in French, but the meaning is the same.

I could share all the times when a man tried to sleep with me, but for once, I think brevity will be more effective.

I very very very very much want to make love with* the boyfriend.

The feeling is mutual.

We're two virgins who definitely want to have sex with each other.

We've just decided to wait until we're married.

My virginity, my choice. His virginity, his choice.

We're not passive people sitting around, hoping someone will turn us into sexual objects. We are both active agents in control of our own sex lives, two virgins choosing to save PIV sex for marriage.

MYTH POPPED!

*I originally had "make love to," but the boyfriend commented that I should change it to reflect something we'll enjoy together.

Consent: For the Rape Apologists

It's time for this country to create a conversation about a bizarrely controversial topic.

I'm talking about consent.

For whatever reason, we're still stuck in this backwards culture of victim-blaming. Then, when I have the “gall” to point out how fucked up victim-blaming is, rape apologists proceed to act offended.

But in this series on consent, I will do my very best to give my readers the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes very legitimate questions about consent are asked. Because we don't talk about it, consent can be confusing.

As is almost always the case in my blog, I will use examples from my own life of when I have given or received consent in sexual activities.

Before I proceed, let me anticipate a few possible reactions by rape apologists. I don't mean to ruffle any feathers, but these are reactions I've heard in similar conversations with my friends, some of whom read this blog. Reactions that are inappropriate and piss me off.

What about teh menz?!

Virgin Myths: Virgins are Frigid

Cherry graphic via

I realized I haven't popped a myth since January. Y'all, that was so long ago! My apologies!

As a reminder, my intent with my series on virgin myths is to challenge preconceived notions regarding virginity. Thus far, all the myths I've tackled are stereotypes I've faced in my own life, or in the case of my post on male virgins, a stereotype I myself held. (I know. Feminist fail).

But what isn't true for this feisty francophone virgin could totally be true for another virgin. Just remember.

Virgins are people too.

So, that said, let's talk about those cold bitches who won't put out! Bro.

Myth: Virgins are uninterested in sex. Virgins are frigid. Virgins lack affection.

Be Our Guest!

I started this blog because I was tired of how people reacted when they found out I was technically still a virgin. Obviously, I have great friends, and they don't care one way or the other. But I interact with a lot of people, some of whom never surpass being an acquaintance. And then when I add in guys I've dated or almost dated or just hooked up with. Basically, tons of people who equate virgins with freaks of nature.

I started this blog to inform the general populace, to educate the masses, that no, I'm not a freak of a nature. In fact, if I may be so bold, I'm pretty awesome, albeit in an off-beat, nerdy way.

I started this blog to reach out to other intentional virgins. To let them know other virgins are out there.

As I near my six-month "anniversary," I must confess, I am having a blast with this blog. I'm doing everything I set out to do and more.

• writing about virginity
• clearing up some virginity myths
• privately corresponding with readers
• putting my whole private life on display for examination
• discovering other blogs about virginity, sex, relationships, religion, online dating, au pairing/nannying, sorority life, writing/publishing, Paris, feminism, following your dreams...
• finding out I'm not alone in my beliefs
• helping my readers find out they're not alone either!

But now it's time to hear from y'all! Both the boyfriend and some of my friends have volunteered to write (anonymous) guest posts, with a range of topics: online dating, sex/virginity, male virginity, loss of virginity, social expectations, etc. I'm going to send out an email soon, requesting guest submissions, but I want reader input! What questions do you have? What stories do you want to hear? Are there any myths you want busted?

I would also love some guest posts from my readers, not just my friend group. If you are interested in writing a guest post for me, let me know! I'm still writing out my guidelines, which will partly be based on feedback. The overall theme of my blog is making decisions for yourself and respecting the choices of others. Anything that falls within that is welcome--not just posts on virginity!

Please leave a comment or shoot me an email with your thoughts on guest posts, or if you're interested in writing one for me.

Bisous, B.V.

 

"Be Our Guest" from Beauty & the Beast

Clarification, because I am nothing if NOT judgmental

So.

I realize in my last post I discussed the whole concept of sexual purity, and how even though it isn't something that concerns me, it is a concept some Christians might want to consider based on their personal beliefs.

A day or two later, I discovered this amazing documentary based on a book called The Purity Myth, and I was like, “Oh, my God, I hope no one thinks this is what I meant.”

I want to take this moment to clarify a few things about my post on sexual purity in case they were not evident.

Can my first time please involve choreography with "Like A Virgin" blasting in the background? No?

SPOILERS FOR GLEE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Confession.

I'm a total Gleek and proud of it.

Glee is everything I want in a TV series. Singing. Dancing. Lampshading (when a show pokes fun at itself). Characters actually aging and graduating high school.

Beyond that, I love how the characters start out as blatant stereotypes, but become more complex. Although Rachel was originally my favorite character—I totally identified with her—Santana is now my favorite by far. A bitchy, promiscuous cheerleader? Psh, like we haven't seen that before. Except, wait, she's hooking up with her best friend and fellow Cheerio Brittany? Just hot girl-on-girl action, right? Except, no, Santana is secretly a lesbian.

So awesome.

I also love how Glee handles sex, with only a few quibbling remarks. Virginity is addressed in multiple episodes, most notably in “The Power of Madonna,” “Duets,” and, most recently, “The First Time.”

As your foremost expert in virginity, having been one for twenty-something years and counting, I feel qualified to critique the way virginity—and losing virginity—is presented in Glee.

I hate:

That Emma equates female empowerment with having sex. That Will lets her.

That Santana doesn't think it's a big deal to take Finn's virginity. That Brittany doesn't think it's a big deal to take Artie's virginity. That the girls are both using sex as a means to get something.

That Artie thinks Rachel and Blaine are unrealistic as Maria and Tony because they're virgins. That Rachel and Blaine listen to him!

That Rachel is presented as crazy and unrealistic for wanting to wait until she's in her 20s to have sex.

That Rachel tries to prove Finn's special because she's giving him her virginity, a gift she can only give once.

That none of the characters who want their first time to be special wait til marriage.

I love:

That Will recognizes he was an asshole and apologizes to Emma.

That Finn regrets sleeping with Santana. That Brittany feels badly for how she treated Artie.

That choosing to have multiple partners doesn't make Santana and Brittany sluts anymore than Puck is considered a manwhore.

The scene when Rachel turns to the other girls for advice. The different perspectives each of them offer on choosing to have sex.

That Rachel sees her first time as giving her virginity to her boyfriend and not losing it to him.

That Blaine and Kurt's first time receive the same attention as Finn and Rachel's.

That both couples wait until they're in love. That Blaine and Finn don't pressure Kurt and Rachel into doing anything until they're ready. (Blaine's drunken scene aside).

That Blaine casually refers to masturbation as an alternative to his otherwise conservative sex life.

That we'll maybe see Emma and Will's first time be on their wedding night?

I'm not the only one who thinks Glee could have done a few things differently. Therese over at “How to Lose Your Virginity” has a great post on it, although with a fairly different perspective than I present.

I'll end with this. Sometimes sex is a big deal; sometimes it isn't. Sometimes losing your virginity is special and romantic and involves singing & dancing; sometimes it's fumbling in the back of your mom's car. At the end of the day, sex is a personal choice, and no one has the right to tell you otherwise. Overall, I think Glee does a good job of showing that people will try and interfere with your sex life, but at the end of the day, what you choose to do (or not do) with another person (or alone!) is up to you.

Me, I'm waiting til marriage for that final, crowning act, but in the meantime, I'll enjoy a variety of alternatives...

Virgin Myths: Male Virgins are Conservative

Cherries graphic via

I realize that at this point, you probably think I'm, like, the Goddess of Virginity and the Sophia of Abstinence. I understand your misconception (I am an awesome writer, let's be honest, of some pretty sexy and controversial topics), and I'm flattered, really, I am. But it pains me to admit that with all my experience in not having sex, I too have fallen victim to stereotyping virgins. Specifically, virgins of the male variety.

Myth Number Three: Men who save themselves for marriage have other conservative ideas about gender roles.

Out of the fifteen guys (and four girls) I've French-kissed, thirteen were definitely nonvirgins, three were probably nonvirgins, two could have been nonvirgins or virgins, and only one was definitely a virgin.

This in and of itself doesn't mean anything except to indicate the rarity of virgins in their 20s. I'm special and sparkly, like a unicorn, and I'm totally okay with that. ;) But because of this, I also came to accept years ago that it's unrealistic of me to expect to marry another virgin one day. Obviously that would be AWESOME, but I'm looking at pretty slim pickin's if virginity is a non-negotiable for me in a future spouse.

I also (wrongly) assumed that if I were to end up with another virgin, he would be an ultra-conservative, head-of-household, wives submit to your husbands kind of guy. If you haven't figured out by now that I'm a bit of a feminist the way Katy Perry is a bit sexy and J.K. Rowling is a bit of a writer, well, news flash, I am. Don't get me wrong; I'm all about putting other people first, but in a relationship, I want a partnership, not a benevolent monarchy. Based on my undergrad interactions with fellow virgins, most of whom I knew from my on-campus church group, I drew the conclusion that men who saved themselves for marriage also had other traditional views on marriage. Views that would never sit well with me.

Sidenote: This is the origin of stereotypes and generalizations. We take our personal observations about a small sample of a larger group of people and assume that everyone in that group shares characteristics with the small sample. It is very easy to fall into this trap, but very important to avoid it if at all possible.

So. All that said, part of me has always thought I would end up with a nonvirgin because that would be my only chance of marrying a man who would be okay with me keeping my last name and us co-leading our family.

Then I kissed the only definite virgin out of nineteen.

And my entire perspective changed.

Because he's not saving himself for religious reasons either. Because he likes how fiercely independent I am. Because he bought me dinner, but then didn't say a word when I bought our drinks later in the evening.

For the first time in my life, I wasn't the only one setting the pace whilst making out. Don't get me wrong, I've (mostly) made out with gentlemen who didn't push me to go any further than I wanted, and I greatly appreciated their respect for me. But I discovered that it's so much better when I share that with a man. When we have a mutual understanding of how far to go and when to stop. When I'm not the only one stopping, the only one moving hands away, the only one saying “No.”

This is my formal and public apology for any men out there who are proud and intentional virgins. I'm sorry I assumed your values on sex automatically transferred to your beliefs on gender roles. I realize now that just like women save themselves for many reasons, men do too.

P.S. Virgins can be pretty damn good kissers too. ;)

MYTH POPPED!

Virgin Myths: Virgins Are Judgemental

Cherries graphic via

Sometimes Real Life happens, and Blogworld is neglected. My apologies. Oddly enough, once I start my new job next week, I will have more time to update regularly. Maybe I won't go ten days in-between posts then. ;)

I actually have a pretty awesome, epic post planned, but I'm too tired to write it out at the moment. Thus, tonight we will pop another virgin myth!

Myth Number Two: Virgins Judge Nonvirgins for Their “Promiscuity”

Assuming I will judge you about anything is one of my pet peeves. I find it even more judgmental than actually judging someone for questionable behavior. You have no basis to form your opinion other than the status of my abstaining behavior. In fact, maybe if you think that I will judge you for a certain behavior, your worry is actually a projection of your own concerns about your life choices. I'm just throwing that out there... never even took a psych class.

Abstinence is a personal choice that I have made for myself and for no one else. Sex is a personal choice that you should make for yourself and for no one else. Just like you do not have the right to tell me what to do with my body, I do not have the right to tell you what to do with yours. Don't judge my virginity, and I will not judge your nonvirginity.

Most of my best friends are nonvirgins, although I have a few who are waiting for marriage as well. I do not do a purity scan on my friends before I allow them into the inner circle of best friends. No one has to sign an abstinence pledge, and after my friends' weddings, I've never requested to see the sheets the next day. I'm not some crazy judgmental bitch, so, yeah, it bothers me when nonvirgins think I'm going to start praying for their souls or something.

As long as sex is practiced safely, with two (or more) consenting adults, then I have no problem with it.

MYTH POPPED!