Monday, June 16, 2014

Using Sex Addiction as a Motive for Sex: A Guest Post

The following is a guest post by Saint Jude Retreats, a non-12 step non-treatment alternative to traditional drug and alcohol rehab. The program concentrates on self-directed positive neuroplastic change and positive self-change as an alternative to traditional alcohol and drug treatment. 

Are you currently in a relationship and thinking about having sex for the first time? Determining when you’re truly ready to lose your virginity or sleep with a new partner for the first time can be stressful. Various thoughts may race through your head such as, “Will I be good?”, “Is he more experienced than I?”, “Is it time?”, “Am I ready for all this?” The situation can be further complicated if the other person is putting pressure on you to engage in sex before you’re ready to do so.

Some men or women use tactics to make sex sound more appealing to an apprehensive partner, including substances like drugs and alcohol. You may have dated a guy that has given you every line in the book to try to convince you that you’re ready. I once dated a man who proclaimed that he was a sex addict. He had shared this with me after I continued to say no to him time after time. I’m not sure if he was truly “addicted to sex” or it was just another manipulation tactic to try to get me to sleep with him. The comments didn’t stop there either. He eventually started to make me feel bad for him. He explained that his sexual desires and compulsions were out of his control and he couldn’t help but want to engage in sexual behaviors. More importantly, he told me he couldn’t be with me unless I gave into his frequent compulsions.

After a few weeks of going back and forth with him, I began investigating the topic of sex addiction because, while I truly did enjoy dating him, it was hard for me to move beyond the constant pressure to engage in something I wasn’t really ready for.

So what did I discover? Unfortunately not much that could justify his claims. I couldn’t find a general consensus that sex addiction was truly a disease. In fact, I learned that medical doctors and psychologists find it hard to link sex addiction to any sort of disease or disorder. This is largely due to the fact that scientific studies fail to prove the addiction theory which is regularly used by treatment centers for alcoholism or drug cases.[1] The addiction theory promotes powerlessness of emotions and behaviors and this simply can’t be linked to sex addiction.[1]

As of 2014, sex addiction does not meet the requirements to be added to the official list of psychiatric disorders determined by the American Psychiatric Association. [2]  Like most “addictions,” it seems that sex addiction is a behavior that was linked to a high sexual desire. After reading study after study, I came to the conclusion that sex was something that made him happy and he liked doing. In some instances, he was using sex as a way to become happier in areas of his life that he was lacking in or unhappy with. That was his way of dealing, but not something that I could compromise my life for.

Ultimately our relationship did not last due to the fact that I was not ready to have sex with him at the level and frequency he wanted. He was a kind person but that wasn’t going to change my mind. However, I used this experience as a life lesson. I learned that my body is sacred and I’m not going to compromise my feelings, integrity, or beliefs for anyone, even if they make me feel guilty or sorry for them. The relationship taught me a true lesson in consensual sex which I try to pass on to as many women as possible. If you aren’t ready for sex, regardless if you’re a virgin or not, you have to right and the power to say no. Moving forward, you will be happier that you waited for a man that respects you wholly and finds you irresistible because you stayed true to who you are.


[1]Grubbs, J., Exline, J., Pargament, K., Hook, J., & Carlisle, R. (2014). "Transgression as Addiction: Religiosity and Moral Disapproval as Predictors of Perceived Addiction to Pornography". Archives of Sexual Behavior. online first. doi:10.1007/s10508-013-0257-z.

[2]Gonzalez, R. (2013, July 24). New study suggests sexual addiction is not actually an addiction. Retrieved from

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