Confession: My blog is no longer “Confessions of a Virgin.”
Not because Beau and I have had coitus—we’re still unwedded, and thus unbedded,
in at least once sense of the word. Nor did I change my blog title because I
want my writing to be less confessional and more typical.
I am constantly evolving as a person—as a Christian, as a
feminist, as a bibliophile, as a girlfriend, as a writer. My blog thus evolves
with me. I started by writing mostly about virginity. I expanded a bit to
include stories of online dating. I added feminist issues. I started writing
book reviews. The central focus of my blog is still virginity, but writing
about all these other topics provides context to my own virginity.
From when I was a debutante. Photographer information available upon request. |
To an extent, the Christian ideals from my childhood and adolescence
shape some of my ideas on my own virginity. When my mom gave me “the talk,” she
included the Christian perspective of saving sex for marriage. The Christian
organization I attended all four years of undergrad—and served in the
leadership group my sophomore and junior years—gave sermon series on dating,
relationships, sex, and marriage every three years (so autumn of my freshman
and senior years). Considering how conservative most of the members were, and
the parent Protestant denomination, the sermons themselves were fairly
relatable and borderline-egalitarian.
But I also took “Feminist Biblical Interpretation” my senior
year, and my senior seminar for my history major was “History on the Margins,”
which looked at marginalized peoples during Early Modern Europe. Both of these
classes provided a wealth of historical and cultural context to the ideals of
virginity until marriage.
Add that to my personal examination of how I feel about sex,
all of it. I have literally been questioning my personal beliefs—how I would
treat sex in my own life, not how I feel about other people’s choices—for about
ten years now. For a very long time my evolving thoughts were theoretical,
because I had yet to meet a man with whom I even desired to have sex. Obviously
the theoretical became the practical when I met Beau.
I’ve been blogging for a year and a half now, during which I’ve
enjoyed a variety of non-coital activities with Beau. That said, I started this
blog the day after our first date, after spending months thinking about sharing
my “virginal” experiences in some sort of anonymous fashion. Some of my decisions
on what I can and cannot do in bed before marriage have changed during the
course of our relationship. This doesn’t make me a hypocrite—this makes me
human.
I’ve seen the phrase “choices aren’t made in a vacuum”
oft-repeated in online feminist discussions. I’m not afraid or ashamed to admit
that my desire to wait until marriage to experience coitus with my husband is
largely influenced by my religious upbringing. I can make this decision for
myself without believing that premarital sexual activity is a sin.
I’m also aware that by calling myself a virgin, I’m partly
accepting virginity as a real thing, beyond a social construct. And by drawing
the line at coitus,* which can technically only happen between a man and a
woman, I’m perpetuating heteronormative beliefs, even though I’m a bisexual
woman.
I acknowledge this has been a long-ish and convoluted blog
post. It mirrors my journey of discovering what sex and virginity mean in my
own life. My journey has been (and continues to be) how I find my virginity.
Hence my new blog title.
This is me, Belle Vierge,
the demi-vierge,
Finding My
Virginity.
*Beau pointed out that we’ve also drawn the line at anal
sex, but it’s not a line we ever intend to cross. TOTALLY fine for other
couples if both parties are enthusiastic about the idea, but I have Crohn’s
Disease. That part of my body will forever be associated with all Crohnie activities.
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