Remember that one time, I wrote a post on consent, and I
promised to write more on consent, like how consent can be sexy, and then I
never did?
Confession: My observations of the political and social
climate in the States are clouded by my identity as a feminist. (Shocking
revelation, I know).
I spend a borderline-obsessive amount of time educating myself
on the gender pay gap (it exists, but whining about 77 cents on the dollar
makes you look like an uninformed idiot), following proposed and enacted
anti-choice legislation seeking to limit women’s reproductive health (I then
inform Beau of states where we cannot live one day, like North Dakota), and
studying sexual assault (the prevalence, the perpetrators, the different forms,
societal causes, etc.).
One of the most encouraging trends I’ve noticed in the last
year is the appearance, at least, of more people calling for a change in rape
prevention. The trendy feminist thing to say is “Don’t teach women not to get
raped. Teach men not to rape.” Campaigns include Men Can Stop Rape and Don’t BeThat Guy.
One of the most discouraging trends I’ve noticed, however,
is the
CAUTION: ANGRY FEMINIST HULKING OUT. SKIP TO BELOW IF YOU
ARE AN EASILY OFFENDED MAN.
Disgusting, whiny, misogynistic, uncaring attitude from
waaaaaaaay too many men who are falling over themselves to see who can be the
most obnoxious and privileged asshole of all time.
Not all men are rapists! I’m offended at the implication! No
fucking duh. Look, feminists are a little tired of prefacing every conversation
about rape with the disclaimer that we know most men aren’t rapists. But guess what.
Most rapists are men. So if we’re gonna talk about rape, we gotta talk about
men. GET OVER YOUR DAMN PRIVILEGE.
What, I have to get consent now every time I have sex?
That’s absurd! What a mood-killer. You’re a fucking idiot who’s either a rapist
or just really lousy in bed. If you can’t find a sexy way to get clear consent
from your partner, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.
YOU MAY RESUME YOUR REGULAR, INOFFENSIVE READING.
Or, more nicely put, one of the most discouraging trends
I’ve noticed is when some men don’t understand what feminists are trying to do
and thus lash out with irrational fear.
Y’all, consent is not that scary. No one is demanding
abstinence from anyone. But is it really too much to ask that you only have sex
(or engage in other sexual activity) with someone who’s an eager and willing
participant?
So what is consent?
Consent is a voluntary, sober, imaginative, enthusiastic,
creative, wanted, informed, mutual, honest, and verbal agreement.
Voluntary: Your partner knows she can say no. Your partner
feels safe saying yes.
Sober: You’ve had a few drinks, but you and your partner
both know your tolerance levels, and you’re still capable of making sound
judgment. | You’re feeling drunk, but you still want to have sex with your
sober partner. Your partner suggests you two cuddle and kiss for some time
first, giving you a chance to sober up. | You really like drunken sex, so you
talk to your partner while you’re both still sober about having sex later when
drunk.
Imaginative: (see Creative, see Informed) Consent isn’t a
blanket statement to do anything and everything. Consent is open communication
between partners on sexual likes and dislikes. Be honest with your partner
about what you’d like to try, before you experiment with something new.
Enthusiastic: When you say “Yes” after saying “No” for
hours, because your partner won’t stop badgering you, this is not enthusiastic
consent. While judgment varies on whether or not this is rape, your partner
cares about her own sexual needs more than your feelings.
Creative: (see Imaginative) Sometimes you both might want
sex, but there are obstacles in the way. Creativity includes skype sex (long
distance relationships FTW), shower sex (apparently good when kids are in the
picture), and other fun solutions other than missionary position in the marital
bed.
Wanted: You should desire your partner, and your partner
should desire you.
Informed: (see Imaginative) Your partner knows you hate ABC,
but you love XYZ. You told your partner you wanted to try 123, your partner
counter-offered with 456, and you two agreed on 789.
Mutual: You consent to your partner. Your partner consents
to you.
Honest: You and your partner trust each other. You and your
partner adhere to all sexual decisions made together. If your feelings change
about a sexual act, you tell your partner. If your partner is accidentally
causing you pain in bed, you speak up. You and your partner maintain open
communication about your sexual needs.
Verbal agreement: Your partner starts initiating sex, but
you don’t respond. Your partner stops and asks you if you’re interested in sex.
Your partner waits for an answer.
This might seem like a lot to remember, but if you’re really
good at reading comprehension, you’ve noticed I’m basically saying the same
stuff over and over again. 1) Do you want to have sex? 2) Does your partner
want to have sex? If you both answer yes, have sex. If either of you answers
no, don’t have sex.
CONSENT FTW!
i love this campaign!!! finally.
ReplyDeletethanks for your sweet words on my blog. everyone wants more personal posts, but i find those are my least-viewed, so i'm glad someone out there enjoys them!
and one of my goals was to make a video, so i did, if you'd like to see.
thank you again for reading!! xo
Yeah, I think it's really great that the conversation on consent/sexual assault is finally changing.
DeleteWrite what makes you happy. Don't worry about the page views. :)