I love all my blog readers. I love your tweets, your DMs, your comments, and your emails. All of you encourage me so much, and I feel like all the time I spend on this blog is worth it. Some of my readers turn into writers, and I'm thrilled to give them a platform to share their thoughts on virginity. Yulia commented on my blog awhile back with some of her thoughts, and I invited her to write a blog post. She recently submitted the following to me, which I gladly share with you.
I don’t consider my virginity a prize to be won. Never have. More importantly, I don’t think it is something a modern woman should necessarily hold onto until she gets married. And, even more surprisingly, I don’t consider myself amoral or depraved for thinking so.
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Let us speak of virginity not as some condition imposed upon women by God or some other external force, the breach of which would entail the highest possible degree of public condemnation and male disrespect. Let us instead consider virginity as something internal to us, something that belongs to us by right, something we hold sole possession of, an inner condition that defines our attitude towards intimacy and men, as well as our readiness for both. You are the only person to decide what to do with your virginity (and when, and where, and with whom, and how, and why, and...) From this vantage point virginity stops being the proverbial prize for (some) men and becomes your own. And since it is yours, and yours alone, it is strictly inviolable, and you are free to treat it as you please.
I guess what I am trying to say is virginity is like any other sphere of a person’s life – and this is essentially how it should be treated. There should be no extreme points of view on virginity, no slut-or-saint dichotomy if you lose it before or after marriage, if you lose it sooner or later. In an age when losing your virginity as soon as possible is considered "pretty cool," ironically, it gets harder to stay cool with wanting to keep it. A friend of mine confessed once that she used to think of her virginity as an "obstacle," an unnecessary "burden" that had to be removed out of the way as quickly as possible. She thought that the moment she got rid of her virginity she would be free from unknown prejudices and would automatically become more mature, more grown-up. Needless to say, now she recalls her thoughts back then with an understanding smile.
There is nothing fundamentally different between you and the non-virgins. Just as there is nothing profoundly different between someone who has lived abroad and someone who has lived all their life in their home country – other than you two have different types of experience to draw on. But most importantly, I had forgotten why I had come so far staying a virgin in the first place. It’s because I had chosen to be that way. People might lose their virginity for all sorts of reasons – but nevertheless they choose to. You can fall madly in love with your first sex partner, or you can be pressured into having sex because your boyfriend feels like having it, or because everyone around you seems to be doing it. However you choose to act is an exercise of your free will.
And so here I am. I nearly forgot why I have kept my virginity up until now. It’s because I have yet to fall in love with a guy, who would make me feel at ease and with whom I would feel ready to lose it. To be sure, there have been chances, both to have sex and be kissed, but I always resisted something I didn’t want to do. Some people are ready to lose their virginity at 15, some at 20, some at 25. Well, I am not ready yet! If you decide to have a shot at 15, very well. So why don’t you let me choose when to do it?
I have been a virgin "out of necessity," or by circumstance. I have kept my virginity not because of my religious views or my upbringing. I have kept it because I want to lose it with the right person at the right time for all the right reasons. And these three conditions – right person, right time, and right reasons – are unique to me. Other people might have the same combination with different contents or might have some of it, or might not have it at all. The bottom line is: losing your virginity is your choice only. Your virginity is yours and yours alone, remember? You are free to do with it whatever you want. And the rest should respect your decision – just as you respect theirs.
Your right person, right time and right reasons might be your religion, family values, personal convictions, upbringing or culture. It doesn’t matter which one determines your life choices. What matters is you have control over these choices, you have the last word. Losing your virginity is like any other adult decisions you’re going to make in your life. How adult they are, how strong you are to accomplish what you really want is up to you. But above all, doing all this is intoxicatingly empowering!
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