I love all my blog readers. I love your tweets, your DMs, your comments, and your emails. All of you encourage me so much, and I feel like all the time I spend on this blog is worth it. Some of my readers turn into writers, and I'm thrilled to give them a platform to share their thoughts on virginity. Yulia commented on my blog awhile back with some of her thoughts, and I invited her to write a blog post. She recently submitted the following to me, which I gladly share with you.
I don’t consider my virginity a prize to be
won. Never have. More importantly, I don’t think it is something a modern woman
should necessarily hold onto until she gets married. And, even more
surprisingly, I don’t consider myself amoral or depraved for thinking so.
I am 26 years old, and I am a virgin. I
have never known a man the way many other girls my age would have done by now. I
have never experienced the slightest touch of a strong man’s hand against my
body. It might be shocking for some of you to learn that I have never even been kissed. Weird confession to make for a 26-year-old young woman, yet it is true.
Let us speak of virginity not as some condition
imposed upon women by God or some other external force, the breach of which
would entail the highest possible degree of public condemnation and male
disrespect. Let us instead consider virginity as something internal to us,
something that belongs to us by right, something we hold sole possession of, an
inner condition that defines our attitude towards intimacy and men, as well as
our readiness for both. You are the only person to decide what to do with your
virginity (and when, and where, and with whom, and how, and why, and...) From
this vantage point virginity stops being the proverbial prize for (some) men
and becomes your own. And since it is yours, and yours alone, it is strictly inviolable,
and you are free to treat it as you please.
I guess what I am trying to say is
virginity is like any other sphere of a person’s life – and this is essentially
how it should be treated. There should be no extreme points of view on
virginity, no slut-or-saint dichotomy if you lose it before or after marriage, if
you lose it sooner or later. In an age when losing your virginity as soon as
possible is considered "pretty cool," ironically, it gets harder to stay cool
with wanting to keep it. A friend of mine confessed once that she used to think
of her virginity as an "obstacle," an unnecessary "burden" that had to be
removed out of the way as quickly as possible. She thought that the moment she
got rid of her virginity she would be free from unknown prejudices and would
automatically become more mature, more grown-up. Needless to say, now she
recalls her thoughts back then with an understanding smile.
This inexplicable constant urge to play
catch-up with those who have already stepped over to "the other side" of the
fence has come to play too great a role in young people’s lives. Until recently,
I too had been overwhelmed by doubts about how I would come across to someone I
loved, how he would react to my being a virgin, would he be happy to learn
that, or would he think it was weird at best? I also for a brief time felt somewhat
insecure and ‘flawed’ comparing myself with those on ‘the other side.’ I
thought there must be a fundamental difference between me and them, that I’d
been missing out on the knowledge that made them so special and much more
sophisticated than I was. I know I was wrong.
There is nothing fundamentally different
between you and the non-virgins. Just as there is nothing profoundly different
between someone who has lived abroad and someone who has lived all their life
in their home country – other than you two have different types of experience
to draw on. But most importantly, I had forgotten why I had come so far staying
a virgin in the first place. It’s because I had chosen to be that way. People might lose their virginity for all sorts
of reasons – but nevertheless they choose
to. You can fall madly in love with your first sex partner, or you can be
pressured into having sex because your boyfriend feels like having it, or
because everyone around you seems to be doing it. However you choose to act is an exercise of your
free will.
And so here I am. I nearly forgot why I have
kept my virginity up until now. It’s because I have yet to fall in love with a
guy, who would make me feel at ease and with whom I would feel ready to lose
it. To be sure, there have been chances, both to have sex and be kissed, but I always
resisted something I didn’t want to do. Some people are ready to lose their
virginity at 15, some at 20, some at 25. Well, I am not ready yet! If you
decide to have a shot at 15, very well. So why don’t you let me choose when to do it?
I have been a virgin "out of necessity," or
by circumstance. I have kept my virginity not because of my religious views or
my upbringing. I have kept it because I want to lose it with the right person
at the right time for all the right reasons. And these three conditions – right
person, right time, and right reasons – are unique to me. Other people might
have the same combination with different contents or might have some of it, or might
not have it at all. The bottom line is: losing your virginity is your choice only. Your virginity is yours and
yours alone, remember? You are free to do with it whatever you want. And the
rest should respect your decision – just as you respect theirs.
Your right person, right time and right
reasons might be your religion, family values, personal convictions, upbringing
or culture. It doesn’t matter which one determines your life choices. What
matters is you have control over these choices, you have the last word. Losing
your virginity is like any other adult decisions you’re going to make in your life.
How adult they are, how strong you are to accomplish what you really want is up
to you. But above all, doing all this is intoxicatingly empowering!
You have a very non-judgemental view. I like that in a person.
ReplyDeleteBeing non-judgmental is basically my only requirement for writing a guest post. :) Thanks for commenting!
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