I’ve been a virgin my whole life, for well over 25 years. I’ve been blogging about virginity for about two and a half years now. I like to accessorize with a scarlet V on my chest, and sometimes I accidentally pull my V-card out of my wallet when I’m reaching for my credit card.
So, like, you’d think I’d be totally suave and sophisticated, or at least straightforward and sensible, when discussing S-E-X with actual people, in real life.*
Not even close.
If I don’t blush and stammer, then I go off on some academic, feminist diatribe. Anything to avoid talking about my own sex life.
Yet, I can’t always avoid the conversation. Even with my family.
Especially with my family.
When my boyfriend and I first started dating, my mom and I had a lovely little chat.
Mom: So where are you and Beau staying during the weekend?
Me: I booked us a hotel downtown, within walking distance of the church.
Mom: Just one room?!
Me: I can’t exactly afford two rooms, Mom, and I’m not going to ask him to pay for the hotel for my sorority sister’s wedding.
Mom: Oh, goodness me. Well, you know, just be sure to only pack nice underwear, in case he goes through your bag or something. I mean, I don’t know why he’d be in your suitcase, but you wouldn’t want him to come across one of those older pairs you have or something.
Me: Um, okay, Mom. So, on a completely unrelated note, if I call in a refill of my birth control at our local pharmacy, could you pick it up and mail it to me?
Me: Mom, I’m only going to say this once, and then I never want to discuss it again. Beau and I are both saving sex for marriage.
It came up with Beau, his brother, and his brother’s wife when we were debating the “religious freedom” of the coverage of birth control.
Me: I’m lucky that mine only costs $10 a month, but that’s with insurance. Not all formulas are the same, and without insurance, it can be really expensive.
Beau’s Brother: *raises his eyebrows and looks at Beau*
Beau: *undertone* She takes it for medical reasons.
Oh, hey, my aunt brought it up at Christmas last year!
Aunt: *undertone* So are you two doing it?
Me: *undertone* Aunt!!!!!!!!!!!!! No! *blushes*
Everyone Else: *looks at us*
What can I say? I really don’t want to tell my family my boyfriend and I aren’t having sex. But I also don’t want lectures on how we shouldn’t be having sex until we’re married. Which we’re not.
Basically I’m screwed—well, not screwed—either way.
*Exceptions to my awkwardness would be with select besties, who are great for sexy chats.