I’ve been a virgin my whole life, for well over 25 years.
I’ve been blogging about virginity for about two and a half years now. I like
to accessorize with a scarlet V on my chest, and sometimes I accidentally pull
my V-card out of my wallet when I’m reaching for my credit card.
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So, like, you’d think I’d be totally suave and
sophisticated, or at least straightforward and sensible, when discussing S-E-X
with actual people, in real life.*
Nuh-uh.
Not even close.
If I don’t blush and stammer, then I go off on some
academic, feminist diatribe. Anything to avoid talking about my own sex life.
Yet, I can’t always avoid the conversation. Even with my
family.
Especially with my family.
When my boyfriend and I first started dating, my mom and I
had a lovely little chat.
Mom: So where are you
and Beau staying during the weekend?
Me: I booked us a
hotel downtown, within walking distance of the church.
Mom: Just one room?!
Me: I can’t exactly
afford two rooms, Mom, and I’m not going to ask him to pay for the hotel for my
sorority sister’s wedding.
Mom: Oh, goodness me.
Well, you know, just be sure to only pack nice underwear, in case he goes
through your bag or something. I mean, I don’t know why he’d be in your
suitcase, but you wouldn’t want him to come across one of those older pairs you
have or something.
Me: Um, okay, Mom. So,
on a completely unrelated note, if I call in a refill of my birth control at
our local pharmacy, could you pick it up and mail it to me?
Mom: *crickets*
Me: Mom, I’m only
going to say this once, and then I never want to discuss it again. Beau and I
are both saving sex for marriage.
It came up with Beau, his brother, and his brother’s wife
when we were debating the “religious freedom” of the coverage of birth control.
Me: I’m lucky that mine
only costs $10 a month, but that’s with insurance. Not all formulas are the
same, and without insurance, it can be really expensive.
Beau’s Brother:
*raises his eyebrows and looks at Beau*
Beau: *undertone* She
takes it for medical reasons.
Me: *blushes*
Oh, hey, my aunt brought it up at Christmas last year!
Aunt: *undertone* So
are you two doing it?
Me: *undertone*
Aunt!!!!!!!!!!!!! No! *blushes*
Everyone Else: *looks
at us*
What can I say? I really don’t want to tell my family my
boyfriend and I aren’t having sex. But I also don’t want lectures on how we
shouldn’t be having sex until we’re married. Which we’re not.
Basically I’m screwed—well, not screwed—either way.
*Exceptions to my awkwardness would be with select besties, who are great for sexy chats.
Ha ha! I like this post. I totally agree - talking about sex is fine, talking about yourself having it/not having it is totally awkward. Especially with family. When I got back from my honeymoon, my dad asked me in all seriousness, "How's sex working out for you guys?" Ummmm....WHAT KIND OF A WEIRD QUESTION IS THAT?! Ha ha. Alas. We'll probably embarrass our own kids with questions about it someday.
ReplyDeleteSex would be one of those things I'd be terrified to talk to my mom about.
ReplyDeleteoh my gosh! so many awkward conversations! i totally know how you feel. so many people have SO MANY options about it!!
ReplyDeleteit's SO unbelievably not their business if you're having sex or not as long as they trust you to make responsible decisions!
ReplyDelete(and I say that as someone who TOLD her parents when she lost her virginity...)
ReplyDelete