10 Totally Logical and Not at All Sexist Reasons Not to Have Sex

Thinking about having sex?

Unthink it.

Having sex right now is a terrible idea, according to both the Christian Church and American public schools. In fact, having sex right now is such a terrible idea that I will give you ten ironclad reasons NOT to have sex right now.

1) Women are like delicate flowers. Everyone wants a beautiful, untouched flower in full bloom. But what happens to a flower when multiple men touch it? It becomes sullied, torn, broken. No one wants that flower. Similarly, men only want to marry virgins. There is absolutely nothing twisted about this metaphor, like the incredibly outdated sexism of it or the gross generalization of what men want in a woman.
 
2) Thou shall not commit adultery. Having sex with anyone other than your spouse is adultery. Even if neither you nor your partner is married, it’s still adultery. You’re cheating on your future spouse with someone else’s future spouse. 

3) You harlot! People will talk. The opinion of the majority is so much more important than your own. You don’t want to be labeled a slut, do you?
 
4) Other people will try and convince you to have sex. “Everyone’s doing it!” they’ll say. Ignore them. Your own commitment to abstinence is more important. They might label you a prude, but just hold your head high against the insults.

5) At your age, you’re going to have a lot of urges. You're going to want to take off your clothes, and touch each other. But if you do touch each other, you *will* get Chlamydia... and die.
 
6) Having sex is an unspoken promise to give your entire self to your partner. Your body is making a commitment to that person. If you have sex with someone other than your spouse, you are automatically lying to that person. Actions speak louder than words, folks, and having sex with someone is akin to saying you love that person forever and ever and ever.
 
7) At 18, America expects young men and women to be responsible enough to vote, to buy tobacco products, and to serve their country… But your hormones are running rampant! You’re too young to enjoy responsible sex!
 
8) If you have sex before marriage, then your wedding night is just another romp in the sack. Don’t you want to wait for awkward, passionate honeymoon sex?
 
9) Having sex before marriage is selfish. It is putting your own bodily desires above both your partner’s wishes and God’s will. By giving in to sexual temptation, you are breaking your relationship with God. This is true even if your partner wants to have sex, or if you’re an atheist. You’re still selfish.
 
10) Don’t have sex because you will get pregnant and die.

I’m pretty sure we would all be better off if we just joined convents or monasteries until marriage.

I hope y'all enjoyed a good laugh. Keep an eye out for a serious approach to this topic next week.