Life is for the Living

I'm blogging from my iPhone for the first time ever. I'm staying with my best friend Rose and her husband Landon, in their new house, and they haven't set up wifi yet. 

Blogging is sometimes complicated and unexpected, just like life. 

I separated all the church flowers into several small bouquets, at the bequest of my mom.

May was supposed to be my perfect month of blogging. I have an ad up at The Life of Bon, and I wanted my blog to look nice and shiny and well maintained for any new visitors. I had more wedding posts and travel posts planned, with lots of pictures that y'all apparently prefer. 

I was supposed to have a guest post at The Life of Bon two Fridays ago, but Bonnie ran into technical difficulties. I had stayed up late to write a killer post for my own blog that day that was authentic, but would still ease in potential new readers. I didn't want to scare anyone off with a feminist analysis of honeymoon sex, but I didn't want to be all lah dee dah I'm pretty look at me--I save that for Instagram. 

But fate intervened, and I'm trying to sway new readers with a late-night rushed post from my iPhone. 

This year was supposed to be perfect for my mom. She quit her stressful job, I got married in March, we celebrated my marriage at three receptions in April, my little brother graduated college in May, and my twin brother is getting married in October. Oh, and my parents finally sold their first house, which has been an albatross of a rental home for almost 30 years. 

And then she got diagnosed with brain cancer, less than two years after my twin brother's diagnosis. 

Yet, even faced with possibly the worst news of her life, my mom's faith never wavered. I'm not sure who has a stronger faith--Mom or Grandma--but they are both so strong, even in the worst of circumstances. 

Our minister came to the house on Monday, with an elder, and annointed my mom with oil. This is unusual for Presbyterians, but it is biblical, somewhere in James. My mom told our pastor that the insurance delay with the surgery brought her one of the best weeks of her life, one in which she got to spend time with her entire immediate family, including my husband and my FSIL. And apparently she reached a level of peace and clarity in her relationship with God that she had never known before. 

At this point, I'm dying to be back in the Midwest with my husband and the life we're building there. I want to return to a routine of work, chores, Star Trek: Voyager, sex, friends, and my blog. When I fly back on Saturday, I will have been in my southern home state for two weeks, half of that time without Beau. 

But I've learned that sometimes you can drop everything. You can throw your schedule and your lists out the window to focus on what's important. We think that our jobs and our chores and our daily schedules are so so so important, but they're not. 

Unless you're a neurosurgeon, then yes, you are important, and thank you for now having saved two lives in my family. 

So sometimes I will blog four times a week. Sometimes I will blog only four times a month. It is important to me that I take some time to write about my life. 

But it's more important for me to LIVE my life while I can, a lesson I hope not to relearn anytime soon. 

Jumbled Thoughts on my Mom's Cancer

Tomorrow... well, today, since it's after midnight, my mom will finally have her surgery, after the whole insurance debacle. She and Daddy met with the neurosurgeon out-of-town last Thursday, and they felt very good and confident after meeting with him. We hope she will be discharged as early as Saturday.

It's been good if weird being at home (the South) for over a week now. Beau left on Sunday, since he had to go back to work this week. I go back to the Midwest on Saturday. The whole family being together was nice, but stressful. Like I love my aunt whose visiting, but sometimes I want to strangle her. But other times she's so interesting and tells me the best stories about her own feminist activism. Strong personalities. My family is full of them, and when we're all together and super-emotional, it's a little chaotic. 

One of my mom's best friends created a hashtag and requested selfies for my mom. We've received pictures of family and of strangers holding up signs in Paris and all across the United States. Everyone is praying for my mom. I've cried a lot, humbled by the outpouring of love.

I really miss my husband. Sleeping alone sucks. He was such a comfort to me while he was here. 

I won't be totally alone. I'm spending the next three nights with Rose and Landon. Silver lining and stuff. Landon is in a play. Rose saw him Opening Night, but we're going again Thursday night. It will be a nice distraction after spending all day in the hospital, most likely.

This is super stream-of-consciousness, but I just have all these thoughts about my mom and cancer and our family and I don't know what else to write.

Book Club Friday: Bitterblue, a Young but Good Queen

It has been a long year and a half since I first reviewed Graceling and Fire by Kristin Cashore. This week, I finally got around to reading Bitterblue, a sequel to Graceling.

Note: Both the summary description itself and my review contain extremely mild spoilers for both Graceling and Fire, since Bitterblue should be read after them. 

via

From the author's website: Eight years after Graceling, Bitterblue is queen of a kingdom that was under the spell of a madman for thirty-five years. At eighteen, Bitterblue is still learning how to rule the kingdom. The influence of Leck—a violent psychopath with mind-altering abilities—lives on. When Bitterblue begins sneaking outside the castle to walk the streets of her own city, she meets two thieves who hold a key to the truth of Leck's reign. And one of them, with an extreme skill called a Grace, holds the key to her heart. 

Based on the Amazon reviews, I was a little apprehensive about reading Bitterblue, but I enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed Graceling and Fire. 

What I like most about Cashore's writing is her ability to write such complex and distinctive characters, especially the women. Bitterblue is just as brave and intelligent as Katsa and Fire, but in a completely different way. Bitterblue is young and lonely, desperate to improve her kingdom, but overwhelmed by the magnitude of the task. She soon learns that not all is as well in her kingdom as her advisers have insisted. 

While the plot might not be as active or exciting as the other novels, it is equally intriguing. It is also much darker than the other books, as Bitterblue discovers the extent of her father's evil deeds. 

Even though I own these three books in paperback, they're so good that I might invest in hardcover copies of all of them. That's how much I love these novels.

*Amazon Affiliate links, blah blah blah

Pray Like You've Never Prayed Before

Last Wednesday my parents called and told me that my mom has brain cancer, with a Grade 4 tumor.

This is the second person in our family to get brain cancer. My twin brother was diagnosed with a Grade 2 brain tumor two years ago. And yes, my younger brother and I plan on speaking with the neurosurgeon this week to see if we need genetic testing or an MRI, because this much brain cancer is straight-up weird. 

Almost the whole family spent today together. My twin brother and future sister-in-law showed up at the house Saturday night. My aunt and I showed up late Sunday night. Beau just arrived at the airport an hour ago, but he'll be with us first thing tomorrow morning, to avoid waking anyone up.

My mom was scheduled to have surgery tomorrow in our local hospital, but because her neurosurgeons (the same ones who operated on my twin brother in 2012) are out-of-network, her insurance won't cover the procedure. The neurosurgeons have already offered to waive their fees and do the surgery for free. Regardless, the insurance won't cover the surgery, even though the hospital is in-network.

She has to have the surgery this week. Postponing the surgery a day or two is okay, but this is a fast-growth, malignant tumor that did not show up on her MRI six months ago. She will need radiation and chemo afterward. The sooner she can have this removed, the better.

We are trying to figure out an acceptable combination of neurosurgeons and hospitals that will be covered by insurance and will have the experience and technology necessary for a successful surgery. We are all extremely upset that she can't have her neurosurgeons, in our local hospital, perform the surgery. 

Please pray for my mom and my family. Please pray that the insurance gets worked out. Please pray that everything will be okay.

5 Lies Told by Modesty Culture

It's that time of year again. The weather is finally warming up, even here in the chilly Midwest. We traded our boots for our flip-flops, wool hats for straw hats. My husband and I even bought a new grill and celebrated a recent warm night with pork chops and bell peppers with my brother-in-law P and his wife E.

Of course, with the hot weather and the switch to seasonally-appropriate clothes come something slightly less cheerful...

All the admonitions that girls should dress modestly or else.

During my bikini series last year, I learned more than I ever wanted to know about modesty culture. Today I'm critiquing five of the worst and the most common lies told by proponents of modesty culture. 

photo via

1) Women are responsible for men's lust.

Women. It is impossible for you to control how another person thinks or feels. Literally the only way you can stop any man in the world from noticing your existence is by not leaving your house. Ever. You cannot anticipate what will or will not cause a man to lust. Ankles used to be quite scandalous while generous decolletage was NBD. Don't let anyone tell you that your mere existence in a female body is cause for male lust.

Some Christian bloggers have sorta wised up to the flaws in this argument. They start their writing with a throwaway paragraph or two insisting that only men are responsible for their lust... BUT. There's always a but involved. Men are responsible for their lust, BUT women need to dress modestly to help them. Their scriptural basis for this is usually a horrible misinterpretation of Romans 14, which I addressed in detail last summer in my post "My Bikini Answer: All Women Cannot Prevent the Lust of All Men."

They all assume that Christians are called to modify their daily behavior to prevent the potential sin of every single person they ever meet.

Well, no, that’s not exactly it. They all assume that Christian women are called to modify their daily behavior to prevent the potential lust of every single MAN they ever meet.

No. Stop asking women to anticipate the weaknesses of every single man ever. It is not our responsibility to keep your thoughts pure. 

2) Any woman who causes a man to lust has committed a sin.

Wait, what? First, this is based on the premise that women are responsible for men's lust, which I just pointed out is ridiculous. Second, this is again a horrible misinterpretation of scripture. Look at Matthew 5:27-28. A typical translation is as follows.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (NSRV)

Anyone who claims a woman sins if a man lusts after her is a person reallllllly fixated on the two words "with her." As though she has somehow consented to this adultery of the heart. Quite often, a woman doesn't even know if a man has lusted after her. What is her sin again? Being female in public?

Furthermore, this article examines the Greek and explains in detail why most translations of these verses are so bad. The author explains the true meaning of the verse this way.

The look is not the problem (nor is the presence of a beautiful woman, which some of that day tended to blame as the real problem); no, these are assumed. What is remarkable (given the popular misinterpretation) is that Jesus likewise assumes the presence of sexual desire in the man as a given, and that sexual desire isn’t seen as the problem. Instead, Jesus addresses the matter of intent, of volition, the purpose of the look. The issue is not the appetite itself but how a man directs this natural appetite and inclination...

In modern terms, it’s the difference between seeing a woman and being attracted to her—a natural part of the God-created appetite and a good indicator that one is alive—and actually considering or seeking an illicit activity.

Which, by the way, is really similar to my point last summer that sexual attraction is not lust.

3) Modesty isn't about strict dress codes--it's a heart issue.

If people actually believed modesty was a heart issue, they would stop talking about the need to dress modestly. They would discuss the importance of living within your means, being generous with your gifts, not driving expensive cars or wearing flashy jewelry. If modesty were a heart issue, pastors would question country club memberships, debutante balls, and lavish charity events. 

But when was the last time someone said that modesty is a heart issue, and then followed it up with anything except a conversation on women's responsibility to dress modestly?

Modesty actually is a heart issue. That's not a lie. It becomes a lie when a proponent of Modesty Culture tells it, because it's just another attempt to control women's clothing.

I was a debutante. I was a debutante at 19, when my boobs were huge, and I couldn't hide them. People talked to me about my boobs. No one talked to me about the temptation to feel sinful pride in being a debutante. I was only aware of it because my mom confessed her own struggle with pride after our invitation, which helped me recognize and squash my own prideful thoughts. Modesty should have been a heart issue, but all anyone cared about were my boobs.  

4) Dressing immodestly shows a lack of self-respect. Dressing modestly reveals your dignity. 

Whatever happened to: "Don't judge a book by its cover?"

Here are all the reasons a woman might wear a bikini:

• It's hot outside
• A bikini is the only type of swimsuit that fits her body
• She couldn't afford a different swimsuit
• It's her favorite color
• She's a professional volleyball player
• She wants female attention
• She wants male attention

But you cannot know why a woman is wearing a bikini, or any other type of clothing, just by looking at her. You can't. 

The opposite is true as well. A woman can wear a buttoned-up cardigan with loose slacks, and no one can just assume she's broadcasting self-respect and dignity. For all you know, she wears buttoned-up cardigans to church to cover up her tattoos.

5) A man's opinion of your appearance is the only opinion that matters. 

Honestly, this is the biggest and most harmful of all the lies told by Modesty Culture.

The irony, of course, is that Modesty Culture claims to be the counterculture to the objectification of women. Except instead of valuing women based on how sexually appealing we are with all our skin showing and boobs flaunting, Modesty Culture values women based on how beautiful we are with our tasteful expensive clothing that still emphasizes our femininity, if not our female bodies. 

Modest is hottest, right?

I'm not gonna try and say I never think of my husband when I pick out an outfit. But... um... huh. Actually, I just spent two minutes trying to think of the last time I wore anything just for him, and I drew a blank. Bikinis in Puerto Rico were not for him. My wedding day lingerie consisted of an expensive strapless bra necessary for my dress and hot pink panties that secretly matched the rest of my accessories.

The truth is, I'm usually thinking a million things or one thing when I get dressed. Either I'm balancing the weather, the occasion, the necessary bra, the potential accessories, how long has it been since I wore this?, the adaptability, etc. to pick out my clothes OR I throw on the first thing that is clean and comfortable, which is why I end up wearing the same outfit two or three days in a row. 

I don't dress for the male gaze.

If objectification of women is wrong when we tie their worth to their fuckability, then objectification of women is wrong when we tie their worth to their purity, which is still their fuckability, just saved for after marriage. 

Conclusions: 

Women, you cannot control men's thoughts or their actions. ♥ A man's lust is not your sin. ♥ Modesty actually is a heart issue, so listen to your heart. ♥ Self-respect includes knowing yourself well enough to pick out your own clothes. ♥ God loves you for you, not for your appearance. 

And if you don't believe in God, your opinion of your appearance is the only one that matters.