My Bikini Answer: Sexual Attraction is not Lust

Beau is a very supportive boyfriend. Not only does he not mind me writing all about our love and non-sex sex life on the Internet, but he reads all of my blog posts faithfully. He then gives me feedback on my writing. Sometimes he points out the occasional typo, but mostly he just tells that me I'm a wonderful writer, and that he'll happily be a SAHD in the future when I'm a world-famous author. 

A few weeks ago, I wrote about going to the pool with Beau and my besties, Hardy and Lauren. Who love the nicknames I gave them, by the way. Beau read it while we were skyping, and then this conversation happened.

Beau: Well... I definitely noticed Lauren in a bikini.

Me: But you weren't lusting after her.

Beau: Uhh...

Me: Were you thinking of her as a sexual object who only existed for your pleasure?

Beau: No.

Me: You just noticed that my best friend is hot and looks good in a bikini?

Beau: Yes.

Me: That's not lust, babe. In fact, I think my next bikini post will be on the differences between attraction and lust.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Modesty culture does not distinguish between healthy, biological sexual attraction and unhealthy, objectifying lust. As usual, I am not the first to write about this, and I do want to acknowledge what else has already been eloquently stated on this topic. However, I also want to differentiate even further and consider appreciation, attraction, and lust as three distinct reactions to a bikini-clad body (or really, any "attractive" human being).

Appreciation: Good-looking people are not all identical. Obviously beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that, but even if you look at a sampling of Beautiful People, they are not all the same. Brad Pitt is conventionally attractive. So are Will Smith, Orlando Bloom, Patrick Dempsey, Ryan Gosling, etc. I look at all of these men and acknowledge they are Beautiful People. But I'm personally not attracted to all of them. They are not all My Type. I appreciate all their good looks, but I am not attracted to all their good looks. If you've ever told your best friend how hot she looks, or your younger brother how handsome he is (and you weren't lying to be nice), then you understand. You can appreciate someone's attractiveness without being attracted to that person. 

Just for the record, this is me with the majority of my female friends. (The majority of my male friends too, for that matter). Just because I'm attracted to women, and I think my female friends are attractive, does NOT mean I'm automatically attracted to all my female friends.

Sexual Attraction: When I see Will Smith or Orlando Bloom, I get these feelings. Physical feelings. And when I see Beau, especially when he's looking at me in that way, these physical feelings are like a tingling sensation all over my body, but especially in my lady bits. This is sexual attraction. It is a natural, biological response. In fact, it is a natural, God-given response. If we never felt sexual attraction, we wouldn't want to have sex. If we never had sex, we could never procreate. And God's most awesome creation would have ended at Adam and Eve.*

via

Lust: I am guilty of lust. Yes, women are capable of lust. When I go to tumblr and look at photo sets of Naya Rivera, which are often collections that focus just on her perfect tits or splendid ass, I am lusting after her. I am not seeing Naya Rivera as a talented, kind-hearted person worthy of dignity and respect.** I am looking at her body and thinking about how much I enjoy it. I am objectifying her. This is lust, and this is the sin God calls us to avoid.

The Panty-Grabber, Rape Jokes, and Vulnerability

The night after some creep stole my underwear, I went to Lauren's apartment to have dinner with her and Hardy. Wine in hand, we sat around while dinner simmered on the stove, and I told them all about my ordeal. Their response was just what I needed. They sympathized with me completely. They asked all the right questions. They were appropriately shocked and disturbed. 

After dinner, and several glasses of wine later, Lauren coined the phrase "panty grabber." We had been joking about several topics, and making the little "shame, shame" motions with our hands, when she did the gesture again, saying, "Tsk, tsk, panty grabber!" And I about died laughing. We started repeating it over and over (I mentioned the several glasses of wine, right?), and Hardy came in, completely bewildered. I'm sure he thought we were crazy.

•  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •

Bad comedians claim that any joke, no matter how offensive, should be okay to tell, because humor and free speech blah blah blah.

Average comedians think maybe some subjects shouldn't be used in jokes.

Good comedians know that any topic can be the basis for a joke, if done correctly. 

A good comedian can joke about rape. Unfortunately, bad comedians tend to be the ones mostly joking about rape, making assholes of themselves, and screeching FREE SPEECH as though they have a clue. 

If you ever want to joke about rape, Lindy West wrote an excellent guide to doing so. In a nutshell, joking about rape, or other offensive topics, is okay when the rapist, or rape culture, is the butt of the joke, NOT the rape victim.

•  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •

Vulnerability is not my strength.

I like to be strong. Independent. Confident. Carefree. 

I don't like feeling hurt. I don't like feeling scared, or unsure, or alone, or nervous. And if I do feel these things, I'd rather not anyone know. I'd rather come off as cold or indifferent or angry than admit I'm in pain.

But I'm trying. I've learned how to be vulnerable with Beau, and I have a few other close friends to whom I've opened up. I've written some vulnerable posts here, and I have it on good authority that they're among my best. 

I'm an eternal optimist. I'm all about the silver lining. So when I think about the panty-grabber, I prefer focusing on my ability to take this horrific event and write two blog posts about it.

•  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •  •

So what do the panty-grabber, rape jokes, and vulnerability have in common?

I was strong for the first few hours after my underwear was stolen. But then I broke down into tears over the ordeal. I was more composed when I saw Hardy and Lauren the next day, but I was still upset, and they validated my feelings.

First with Beau's support, and then with my friends' understanding, I felt better. My fear was real. My pain was real. My reaction to the situation was not a joke. But I still reached a point when I could laugh about it. 

Lauren unwittingly helped me with that by referring to the creep as the panty-grabber. Just that little, silly phrase removes his power over me. No, I don't plan on doing my laundry in my apartment building anytime soon, but I feel more like he's just a pathetic loser than a terrifying rapist-in-training. 

The panty-grabber tried to hurt me, but it turns out, the joke is on him. I have a drawer full of new sexy panties courtesy of Beau, and the women in this building are all now aware of the panty-grabber's existence. So the panty-grabber might have momentarily thrown me off-balance, but I've already repaired the damage and prevented him from any future thievery in this building. 

I'm still strong, hot, and awesome, and he's just a sad little creep who's destined to die alone.

Love Is...

My boyfriend spending his afternoons working on my car.

Me sitting outside with my boyfriend, watching him work on my car.

My boyfriend buying me a year's supply of my favorite tea, which isn't found in stores.

Fast Lane by Celestial Seasonings is the most delicious tea ever

Me doing my boyfriend's laundry with my own.

My boyfriend falling asleep with one hand in my hair, holding on to it like a beloved bear.

My boyfriend wearing a shirt to match my outfit.

My boyfriend remembering to ask his friend to take a picture of the two of us in our red, white, and blue.

My boyfriend watching a stupid T&A cheerleading movie with me because sometimes I like to watch movies that pass the Bechdel test that also cater to the male gaze.

My boyfriend going to work early so he could come home early and spend time with me.

Me not being visibly disappointed when his parents showed up early too and postponed our plans for alone time. Even if I did tweet about it.

My boyfriend taking me to the reservoir at dusk first to see the sunset and then to see all the lightning bugs.

Me writing a blog post in which I brag about how wonderful my boyfriend is.

A new series I plan on doing periodically, just to talk about some of the cute things my boyfriend does. And the nice things I do for him. How have you given or received love this week?

Book Club Friday: Princess Series (Books One and Two)

If you've ever checked out the books in my library, and then also clicked on my Fantasy Fiction Recommendations, then you've possibly seen my brief mention of the Princess Series by Jim C. Hines. I read the first three books in the quartet two summers ago. Last fall, I finally had the opportunity to buy all four of them, but only recently have I had the time to reread the first three to prepare to read the fourth.

In a nutshell, Hines has taken the classic stories of Cinderella, Snow White, and Sleeping Beauty and completely turned them upside down and inside out. Instead of three passive princesses waiting for their princes to come, these three women routinely go on dangerous missions for the queen.

This week, I will review The Stepsister Scheme and The Mermaid's Madness. Later I will review Red Hood's Revenge and The Snow Queen's Shadow.

  

Images via goodreads.

From the book/website:

Cinderella–whose real name is Danielle Whiteshore (nee Danielle de Glas)–does marry Prince Armand.  And if you can ignore the pigeon incident, their wedding is a dream come true.

But not long after the “happily ever after,” Danielle is attacked by her stepsister Charlotte, who suddenly has all sorts of magic to call upon.  And though Talia–otherwise known as Sleeping Beauty–comes to the rescue (she’s a martial arts master, and all those fairy blessings make her almost unbeatable), Charlotte gets away.

That’s when Danielle discovers a number of disturbing facts: Armand has been kidnapped and taken to the realm of the Fairies; Danielle is pregnant with his child; and the Queen has her own very secret service that consists of Talia and Snow (White, of course).  Snow is an expert at mirror magic and heavy duty flirting.

Obviously, I loved this book, and not just because kickass princesses are my favorite. It's an exciting story with moral shades of gray, AND Hines writes a surprising twist about Talia's character, revealed near the end. Any retold fairy tale will have its fair share of twists, but this particular one is extra-feminist... I love the different rules involved with magic and spells, the different kinds of fairies, the world-building, everything. 

From the book/website:

There is an old story — you might have heard it — about a young mermaid, the daughter of a king, who saved the life of a human prince and fell in love.
 
So innocent was her love, so pure her devotion, that she would pay any price for the chance to be with her prince. She gave up her voice, her family, and the sea, and became human. But the prince had fallen in love with another woman.

The tales say the little mermaid sacrificed her own life so that her beloved prince could find happiness with his bride.

The tales lie.

In this book, Hines adds another fairy tale to the mix, that of the Little Mermaid. We all know the Disney version is sanitized, but Hines's retelling is even darker than the original tale. The undine (mermaid) princess Lirea kills her human prince and then succumbs to madness.

Another brilliant book full of twists and turns, not to mention a lot of unresolved sexual tension. Also figuring out the real villain... Lirea is a murderer, but she's also crazy... What made her this way?

I highly recommend these books to anyone who loves fantasy fiction, retold fairy tales, or strong female characters. If you're like me, you love all three, and these books are pure perfection!

As usual, I'm linking up for Book Club Friday!

My Bikini Answer: I Am Not Cake

Okay, so this is definitely turning into multiple posts. Consider the real-life story to be an intro to all the posts. Then each post will include some quotations from the original offensive text, some quotations of other commentary, and then my own thoughts.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

 
Y’all.

The CRAZIEST thing happened on Saturday. My besties Lauren and Hardy invited Beau and me to hang out at the pool with them. I wore a bikini. So did Lauren.

And nothing happened.

When Hardy hugged me hello, he didn’t suddenly lose control or grab my boobs or my butt. When Beau hugged Lauren hello, he didn’t suddenly lust after her or treat her like a sex object. And when Lauren and I hugged hello, not a single guy whipped out a dick to start an orgy.

It’s almost as though Hardy and Beau (and the other dudes who were at the pool) are human beings, not animals, who are capable of seeing women in skimpy clothing without immediately needing to be sexual with them. In fact, they’re capable of TOUCHING women in skimpy clothing without that touch or their thoughts turning sexual.

So I guess it’s not so much that the craziest thing happened on Saturday, but that it’s totally crazy that nothing happened.

Or at least, that’s what the author of the viral post “The Bikini Question” would have you believe. Apparently all men are visual creatures who are incited to lust by a woman’s body. Apparently all women should wear one-piece bathing suits… no, wait, apparently we should all wear shirts and shorts over our bathing suits… But wait, I’ve been complimented on my legs before, and my hair, and the tattoo on my foot… Does that mean I should go swimming in a burqa? If women have to dress a certain way to keep men from lusting after them, that’s the logical conclusion… right?

Those paragraphs were a nice combination of hyperbole and sarcasm, just in case y’all didn’t catch on to that.