Monday, July 8, 2013

The Panty-Grabber, Rape Jokes, and Vulnerability

The night after some creep stole my underwear, I went to Lauren's apartment to have dinner with her and Hardy. Wine in hand, we sat around while dinner simmered on the stove, and I told them all about my ordeal. Their response was just what I needed. They sympathized with me completely. They asked all the right questions. They were appropriately shocked and disturbed. 

After dinner, and several glasses of wine later, Lauren coined the phrase "panty grabber." We had been joking about several topics, and making the little "shame, shame" motions with our hands, when she did the gesture again, saying, "Tsk, tsk, panty grabber!" And I about died laughing. We started repeating it over and over (I mentioned the several glasses of wine, right?), and Hardy came in, completely bewildered. I'm sure he thought we were crazy.
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Bad comedians claim that any joke, no matter how offensive, should be okay to tell, because humor and free speech blah blah blah.

Average comedians think maybe some subjects shouldn't be used in jokes.

Good comedians know that any topic can be the basis for a joke, if done correctly. 

A good comedian can joke about rape. Unfortunately, bad comedians tend to be the ones mostly joking about rape, making assholes of themselves, and screeching FREE SPEECH as though they have a clue. 

If you ever want to joke about rape, Lindy West wrote an excellent guide to doing so. In a nutshell, joking about rape, or other offensive topics, is okay when the rapist, or rape culture, is the butt of the joke, NOT the rape victim.

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Vulnerability is not my strength.

I like to be strong. Independent. Confident. Carefree. 

I don't like feeling hurt. I don't like feeling scared, or unsure, or alone, or nervous. And if I do feel these things, I'd rather not anyone know. I'd rather come off as cold or indifferent or angry than admit I'm in pain.

But I'm trying. I've learned how to be vulnerable with Beau, and I have a few other close friends to whom I've opened up. I've written some vulnerable posts here, and I have it on good authority that they're among my best

I'm an eternal optimist. I'm all about the silver lining. So when I think about the panty-grabber, I prefer focusing on my ability to take this horrific event and write two blog posts about it.

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So what do the panty-grabber, rape jokes, and vulnerability have in common?

I was strong for the first few hours after my underwear was stolen. But then I broke down into tears over the ordeal. I was more composed when I saw Hardy and Lauren the next day, but I was still upset, and they validated my feelings.

First with Beau's support, and then with my friends' understanding, I felt better. My fear was real. My pain was real. My reaction to the situation was not a joke. But I still reached a point when I could laugh about it. 

Lauren unwittingly helped me with that by referring to the creep as the panty-grabber. Just that little, silly phrase removes his power over me. No, I don't plan on doing my laundry in my apartment building anytime soon, but I feel more like he's just a pathetic loser than a terrifying rapist-in-training. 

The panty-grabber tried to hurt me, but it turns out, the joke is on him. I have a drawer full of new sexy panties courtesy of Beau, and the women in this building are all now aware of the panty-grabber's existence. So the panty-grabber might have momentarily thrown me off-balance, but I've already repaired the damage and prevented him from any future thievery in this building. 

I'm still strong, hot, and awesome, and he's just a sad little creep who's destined to die alone.

4 comments:

  1. So sorry you had to experience a panty-grabber. I love the way you let yourself experience the various emotions, before sorting the pg- into place as the pathetic loser he truly is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. I'm actually impressed that I didn't just wallow in my room with a bottle of wine and a book. It was honestly a very difficult ordeal--talking to all the tenants without crying, letting Beau see me cry, talking to my friends about it--but I think not hiding from it all has helped me put it behind me.

      But I'm still going to have Beau install a third lock on my apartment door.

      Delete
  2. AMEN. good for you for getting to this place of strength and resilience.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! It's true what they say--what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

      Delete

Thanks for reading and commenting!

Anonymous commenting disabled while my mom is sick.

Comments are moderated because I receive a lot of spam, and I think CAPTCHA is annoying. I reply to most of your comments within the comment section because it inspires discussion between readers. For first-time commenters, I try to reply by email.

Yes, you can comment anonymously. Yes, you can disagree with me. However, as of 05/31/2013, if you are commenting anonymously, and your words are hateful or abusive, I will publish these at my discretion. I like that my blog can be a forum for discussion, but anything that blames or mocks survivors of sexual assault will NOT be tolerated.

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